If you want career, financial, and social success, don't beat up your opponents too badly while smiling. This advice might sound odd or even obvious, but not adhering to it can have tremendous negative consequences.
Anyone who has ever jet-skied knows it's impossible not to smile while riding the waves. Well, I can't help but smile when I'm playing any sport because sports bring me immense joy—sometimes to everybody’s detriment.
However, since none of us are turning pro, there's no need to take sports so seriously when playing as adults. We're there to have fun and avoid injury!
At 47, all I want to do is play a sport and walk away injury-free. It's a scintillating feeling of getting away with something–in this case, pain and suffering.
Beating Up Your Opponent Badly Can Show Low Emotional Intelligence
When I worked in finance from 1999 to 2012, I would regularly play tennis with clients. Tennis was a way of getting to know someone while doing something fun.
Tennis is tricky because for both sides to have fun, they need to be at a similar skill level, within about 25% of each other. If you're the better player, you can get bored if your opponent can't keep the ball in play. But if your less-skilled opponent is a client, you need to have fun and keep the points close.
Instead of beating up your client badly, play “business development tennis” and keep the points close. Your goal is not to pummel your opponent and make them feel like failures. Instead, your goal is for both sides to have an enjoyable experience.
However, if you're the better player, you can't make it obvious that you're purposefully keeping the points close. Otherwise, your opponent may feel patronized, potentially damaging your relationship.
Being a good “business development player” takes practice and skill. Only the least emotionally intelligent person will regularly beat their clients in any activity.
A Saturday Recreational Match
Although I coached high school tennis for three years, I play tennis mainly for fun. If we're playing doubles on a weekend, it's just to have a good time with friends.
One Saturday morning, I played doubles with three regular club members: Henry (age 59), his long-time hitting partner Jim (age 60), and a younger member, Bob (age 34). Bob, the best player, warmed up with me (age 47). None of these names or ages are real for privacy purposes.
Before starting the match, I suggested mixing up the teams for fairness, but Henry and Jim were happy to take us on. I set a betting line at 3.5, meaning if Henry and Jim lost 3-6 or better, they would win the set. It's my way of keeping things interesting and motivating as the favored team. Because the teams were not fair with me playing with a younger player who played Division 1 tennis.
Although we guys like to do some light smack talking, setting this Vegas line perhaps was my first mistake.
We Smoked Them
We beat Henry and Jim 6-2 in the first set. Afterward, I sincerely asked if we should switch teams, but they wanted to try again. All good as giving your opponent a chance to try again is the right thing to do.
I set the betting line at 3.5 again and we beat them 6-2. Jim was visibly frustrated the entire second set, constantly complaining about our lucky breaks and his team's missed shots. He even threw his racquet once as he scowled at his teammate. Yet, after two sets, they wanted to play us AGAIN!
At this point, there were a couple of other fellows who had been waiting for us to finish for the past 15-20 minutes. We started warming up at 8:30 am, and it was already 10:12 am. We were only supposed to have the court for 1.5 hours per the club's rules.
Feeling the pressure of the other members waiting, I suggested playing a 7-point tie breaker instead of another set, even though another court was free. I also told my partner Bob that it was probably best not to win again given how upset Jim was. Bob agreed.
The Berating Begins
As soon as I stepped up to serve in the tiebreaker, Jim screamed, “Hold on! I'm not ready yet!”
No problem. I stopped, bounced the ball, and began my serving motion again.
Then Jim shouted, “I told you I'm not ready yet! Wait until I'm ready before serving!”
At this point, I was miffed. I shouted back, “The receiver is supposed to play at the pace of the server.”
We then started playing the tiebreaker and lost 4-7 after about 10 minutes.
We shook hands at the net, and while packing up our things, Jim got in my face and said, “Don't ever do that again!”
Confused, I asked Jim what I had done.
He said, “You quick-served me twice! Stop with the gamesmanship! Just stop.”
I was taken aback because I never intentionally tried to quick-serve him to gain an advantage. After he told me to hold up the first time, I presumed he was ready for my serve since he had time to say “hold up” and see me prepare my setup.
“Jim, I'm just here to have fun on a lovely Saturday morning. I didn't intentionally try to quick-serve you. Also, I've been trying to stop foot faulting per your criticism last time we played,” I responded.
With Jim, there is always something he's complaining about. And if you are his partner and miss a shot, he will most certainly let you know how disappointed he is in you.
Jim then retorted, “I don't believe you,” regarding me trying to game him. Both Henry and Bob jumped in to defend me, saying they didn't think I was trying to quick-serve him either. But Jim wasn't having it and walked back to the locker room.
Importance Of Losing Or Keeping Things Close
What was going to be a fun Saturday morning turned out to be a disappointment. Even though Bob and I lost the tiebreaker, Jim was still upset, perhaps because he realized the tiebreaker didn't mean much. But the thing is, the entire match didn't mean much! It's just recreational tennis played by good-enough athletes.
In retrospect, I should have told Bob to play the match close after the first set, given I knew Jim had a history of complaining. Jim is an extremely competitive player who takes weekend tennis much more seriously than Bob or me. As someone who played tennis professionally for a brief period, losing badly to a couple of non-ex pros may have hurt more.
I probably shouldn't have introduced the Vegas line either, as that could be construed as insulting, even after they rebuffed my suggestion to make the teams more fair. Any of my other buddies would have taken the Vegas line in stride, but not Jim. So much pride! Nobody likes being told what to do.
When I noticed Jim complaining beyond normal in the second set, I should have had the emotional intelligence to know perhaps something else was bothering him in his personal life. Maybe an injury was getting the best of him. As a personal finance writer who has read thousands of comments on Financial Samurai, I know sometimes, angry comments are projections of something else bothering the commenter that has little to do with me.
Although I've played with and against Jim a dozen times before, I don't know him well, except that he's a father who got ATP points in doubles when he was in his 20s. So naturally, I decided to look up what he did for a living to understand the negative repercussions our altercations may have.
Potentially Blacklisted In The Future
It turns out Jim works at a private high school down south. Oh crap! There go my kids' chances of getting in. If we apply, surely Jim will now blackball us because I supposedly quick-served him in a meaningless tiebreaker one Saturday morning.
Although my kids would never apply to that high school, this is a great example of how relationships can be ruined if you beat your opponent too badly. We're talking career limiting move here folks!
Jim could have easily been a senior official at a high school in San Francisco, which my kids might eventually apply to. Or Jim could have been a senior executive at a large company that could have put a stop to me or my kids getting hired. Although it's not fair to punish children for the sins of their father, it still happens all the time.
The world is small. It's not worth upsetting people in real life or online. Even if you feel you did no wrong, it may be worth apologizing if you are not yet financially independent. You never know how your new enemies could limit your potential for career and financial success.
Better yet, you may want to just revert back to business development tennis and purposefully keep the match close or lose.
Have the Emotional Intelligence to Understand People's Personalities
The “problem” with me is that I don't take things too seriously, especially weekend tennis. Some people are more competitive and combative. It's up to you to recognize these traits in your opponent before playing.
Because I don't take my sporting activities seriously, I may inadvertently offend those who do. This is my fault, as I need to adjust my seriousness to the people I play against. At the very least, I need to not smile when winning against a serious opponent.
When I was working and less wealthy, my sensitivities towards others were heightened. I was an expert at business development tennis, often purposefully losing close matches without my opponents suspecting a thing.
Today, I'm older and wealthier with little in-person business to conduct. As a result, my emotional intelligence on the tennis court has degraded. It may degrade for you too once you are FIRE. Since I was a kid, I can't help but always stand up for myself and speak my truth. However, next time, I might just agree with my opponent and apologize.
It's not worth getting into an argument and feeling bad about the situation. Take it from me, a guy who just spent an hour and a half typing up this post because I felt unsettled about the conflict.
I assume Jim will eventually get over it, and maybe even apologize. But I won't know until the next time I kick his ass!
Reader Questions
Have you practiced “business development tennis” in your activities before? Do you feel that emotional intelligence declines once you have more money and less fear about the power others have over you? What would you have done if you were me and Jim started accusing you of trying to game him? Have you encountered angry recreational sports opponents before?
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Jim is definitely a poor sport and should not have lost his temper on a recreational Saturday morning. There’s always one of those recreational players who gets way too upset over nothing.
it is highly likely he is going through some problems with his personal life.
if you cannot control your emotions, then you’re gonna be miserable and letting the world dictate how you should feel and act.
Back in 2008 when I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and didn’t think I would live another six months, I had tremendously less fear about the power I thought others may have had over me. Not because I was FI, but because I didn’t know how much time I had left! I started saying “no” to a lot of work things I would have just taken care of in the past. “I’m not doing that” and “Life’s too short for toxic people” became my two key catch phrases. I still helped out where *really* needed, but I was no longer the doormat I was in the past. I think people respected that (?) – they certainly stopped asking me to do stupid “busy work” stuff. lol
I’m glad you are still here! And I hear what you are saying regarding the power people have over you and no longer the doormat.
Check out this post! Are You Dirt? Stop Letting People Walk All Over You!
I too struggle with playing my weekend and weeknight sports activities with too much vigor. I need the athletic outlets since I stare at computer screens all day. Funny side note: My wife and I stopped playing mixed doubles in tennis as we are both too competitive to pull it off gracefully. I need some friendly trash talk to let off some steam from the stressful work days. Thank you for another interesting read Sam.
Playing with one’s wife can be tricky! Hence, why I rarely see it happen during USTA league tennis matches. Unless, of course, your wife is Steffi Graf or someone. But then, I’ve never seen Andre play with her in a competitive match either.
This is why I love hoops. Trash talk is part of the game and expected. Follow my 3 step protocol: tell them what you’re going to do, execute that, and then tell them what you did to them.
I’ve practiced “business development skiing” quite a bit. It’s a no-brainer to ski to level of your guests or friends in town. Most of the time they don’t even realize that I’m skiing down for them, which is the goal. With friends, it’s all about the chair talk and good feelings. Sometimes they assume my partner is the better skier, because I let them lead when we are skiing with another couple. Skiing is of different than tennis and I haven’t been accused of gaming someone. I have only encountered a negative reaction when I was younger and a friend wanted to ski my home mountain and talked a big talk, so I took them to some favorite spots and they struggled. Now I always start out easy when playing mountain guide with someone new.
You have “FU” money now. Don’t worry about pissing Jim off. He needs to be taught a lesson no matter how long the match needs to take.
Let Jim tell you when he’s ready for your serve each time. No more excuses. I wouldn’t say a word to him. No smile, no comments, just play and let him understand how serious of a player you can be too.
Better yet find another opponent and leave Jim out of the group. Perhaps he will then get the message.
Leaving Jim out would be good at least because he comes late 100% of the time and never buys balls!
Your comment reminded me of this post: Once You Have F You Money It’s Hard To Tell Others To F Off
Thanks for responding. It’s frustrating repeatedly having to deal with people that act like Jim. Being nice and respectful to people is one thing. However when someone repeatedly crosses the boundaries of acceptable behavior, it’s probably time to cut your losses and move on to other more reasonable opponents.
I was also going to suggest maybe Sam should stop playing with “Jim” given Jim’s history. Life is too short and you life energy too precious to spend it on people you know will be toxic (as evidenced by Jim ALWAYS finding something to complain about).
Yes, life is too short to play with unpleasant people.
Although, I have to admit, it would be satisfying to beat him again, and take my slow time serving.
Beating good players is a wonderful challenge.
Being able to control your emotions is a huge competitive advantage to winning. It’s obvious, despite Jim’s experience, he does not have a strong grasp of his emotions. And that is going to negatively reverberate in his career, his tennis, his marriage, fatherhood, and his friendships.
I’m glad you kept your cool. The people who don’t keep their cool are low class.
Sam let’s face it you are a competitive person. Most successful people are. Most of your articles are about success and competition to win in investments and in life. So when you compete in sports with wealthy people they want to win.
Oh yes, I am a competitive person. But I’m also an easy going person when playing recreational sports or doing some fun activity. None of this stuff matters. What matters is having a good experience with good people. I have a feeling that my easy-going nature sometimes makes my opponent want to beat me more. Bc when they lose, they wonder WTF happened!
The point of every match, race, contest, argument, debate, conversation, and interaction is not to win as such. Playing in a way that fosters a growing exchange of higher-level opportunities is the ultimate victory.
Good game.
I would like to share a snippet from a compelling book that has helped to shift my thought perspective and paradigm so that I’m able to be more unflappable and cool/calm/collected when dealing with difficulties with whoever….whether it’s the unappreciative spouse, annoying co-worker or rude stranger. Stay strong and resilient, and you do you and enjoy every moment and days with your kids!
Don’t Take Anything Personally. That’s the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements.”
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….
But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.”
Sam,
Did you copy/paste my response from your fatherhood post to what is posted verbatim in the above reponse?
Wasn’t sure who Dan is and if someone else did that.
Thanks. -Don
Yes! I responded to your original comment saying that I would because it was so pertinent for this latest post.
I get the point.
However, Jim is one of those types who is never satisfied. If it wasn’t the “foot fault” or “quick serve”, it would be something else. You can’t waste time trying to placate them. If he’s really the level of arsehat to take a disagreement over a tennis match into the professional realm, then it’s best to just avoid him, since you’ll run afoul of one of his moods eventually anyway.
A reasonable person would enjoy the opportunity to learn from someone better and appreciate the Vegas odds. That is the type of person that would benefit from the emotional IQ that you displayed.
Yeah, I guess I just like harmony, especially when we are doing a fun activity. It is completely counterproductive to get all bent out of shape about a fun weekend activity.
I guess I don’t see you much because he lives in San Mateo. But I’m sure I’ll still run into him on occasion.
I’m hopeful the next time I do run into him, he’ll be pretty chill. We shall see!
Slight disagreement: You say you need to adjust your seriousness to match your opponents.
I agree if you are adjusting *down*. But I don’t think it’s incumbent on you to raise your level of seriousness to match an opponent’s.
In keeping with your theme, I’d say you need to take account of their greater seriousness, but you don’t need to match their energy.
The flaw comes in if you find yourself in a match with a ridiculously serious opponent and you match that energy, you may end up not getting any enjoyment out of the match yourself. (And you’d never play them again. :)
Personally, I’d rather be respectful of the greater seriousness/competitive nature/intensity, but still reserve the right to enjoy my time on the court.
You’re right, adjusting up might make the whole match way too serious and not fun. At the same time, maybe my opponent will appreciate the seriousness because it is a sign of respect to try your hardest.
Everything is a little tricky when someone has a different type of demeanor than you. Someone with high emotional intelligence, adjusts accordingly.
Makes sense. Adjust up..if you so choose. And if you’re in a match with someone over-the-top and you don’t feel like dealing with them? Well, then, I think I feel a pulled muscle coming on. Lol. Peace.
Sam, firstly, I want to say that this is a great article and a great story. I want more stories like this! Please! I agree with everything you say about emotional intelligence and letting your opponent win for the long-term benefit. I, myself, practice emotional intelligence by letting my 10-year old daughter beat me when playing checkers. Though, I must admit I am not emotionally intelligent enough to let her beat me in poker.
Back to you story – I disagree with you that you should have let Jim win and/or be more emotionally intelligent with Jim. Jim acted like an asshole in this particular game and has a history being an asshole before. I wish you would smack him in the tie-braker, too, to really crush his spirit – he deserved it – assholes deserve to be crushed and punished. You are wealthy, Jim has no influence on your and/or your children’s destiny. Even if you happen to hypothetically apply to the San Mateo school and he would blacklist your kids, you would find another, even better school. The whole point of being wealthy is the ability to punish assholes without the fear of repercussions.
P.S. God, I dislike Jim so much, I would never play with him again if I were you. Your article invoked really strong feelings in me – great story!
Yury, thanks for reading and telling me you enjoyed the story! I enjoyed writing it as it helped me work out my own feelings about a disappointing situation that was completely misconstrued and unnecessary.
But I’m thankful this experience helped remind me about the importance of emotional intelligence and navigating tricky scenarios and different personalities.
To thyself be true, if Jim was a client while I was working, I would have acted more deferential. And that’s just the way things are when you’re still trying to climb the corporate ladder, make friends, or achieve financial freedom.
Yes, because I am not beholden to anybody for money or a job, I can self-select to only hang out with people I like and easily get along with.