It's hard to be a great parent and a great employee or entrepreneur at the same time. As a result, many parents are wondering whether they should pick career or family? Something has to give. This article will help you think through both choices so you can make the best decision possible for your family.
I'm sure some of you will disagree with my stance since you've done a wonderful job at work and at home. However, Unless you believe being a great parent includes being away from your kids for 12 hours a day while your little one gets ignored at a daycare facility, we've got different definitions.
And if you're rich, hiring a nanny or au pair to take care of your kids while you pursue making even more money might not count as great parenting either. At least if you're poor, you've got an excuse to go to work.
Before every parent reading this post gets too pissed off, let me acknowledge we don't need to be great at both parenting and work. Being good is generally good enough. Further, being able to overcome our guilt of pursuing one or another is what we might really want.
However, if you want to try to be great at either your career or at parenting, then it's often beneficial to go ALL-IN. Let's look at the choice between career or family objectively.
Deciding Between Career Or Family
This is not a post about how to be a great parent. Because unlike work, parenting is very subjective. There are no titles or pay increases, only endless care you must provide in hopes that your child enjoys their youth, learns new things, and grows up to be a good person.
After only six years of being a parent to two children, I'm still learning how to be a great father. All I can hypothesize is the more time we spend with our children, the higher likelihood that we may become better parents, all else being equal.
I realize some parents have to work full-time to pay the bills. During the pandemic, things were particularly difficult for working parents especially when schools were closed for long periods. Goodness knows I still feel burned out all the damn time! However, parents must also own up to their responsibilities.
Having kids is a conscious choice we've made. Therefore, it is up to parents to juggle career and family.
More Family Time Brings More Awareness
After spending 18 months sheltering-in-place and homeschooling my two young children, it is clear that spending more time with our children is better. The bond becomes stronger. Kids learn more. And you get to understand all of your kids' idiosyncrasies.
Spending more time with your child also makes you keenly aware of your child's unique needs. As a full-time parent, you end up morphing into a bunch of specialized roles.
For example, you basically become an all-in-one teacher, nurse, physical therapist, visual therapist, and occupational therapist. You want to ensure your baby is getting everything they need.
A Parental Ranking System Based On Caregiving Time
We can set up a loose parental ranking system based on time spent caregiving. This is for the good of your child (not yourself).
Here's a look at the parental ranking system from ideal to least ideal for the child.
1) Both partners stay at home to raise their child, also with support from relatives. Neither parent needs to work for money. This is obviously hard to do for most families.
2) Both partners stay at home to raise their child, while also being able to work from home. Even though both parents are working from home they can still take multiple breaks and play with their kids.
3) One partner stays at home and has help from a relative, nanny, fellow parent, or friend. A classic childcare arrangement, usually spearheaded by the mother.
4) Both partners go to work, leaving their child with a close relative like a grandparent. Still a great system if the grandparents or relatives are physically fit and really into childcare.
5) Both partners go to work, leaving the child with a child care provider. Not bad if the child care provider is a professional who loves children.
6) Both partners have busy jobs that require constant travel for days or weeks at a time. A nanny, au pair, or relative takes care of the children most of the time.
7) A single parent who must work, and therefore leaves the child with a relative or daycare (bless y’all for being able to juggle everything). Being a single parent is the hardest job in the world. You've got to do what you've got to do.
The idea is that more childcare is better than less. But you might have a different opinion.
Overcoming The Guilt Of Not Spending More Time With Your Children
The average amount of time a parent spends with their kid is about 120 minutes or less in America. If you have to juggle work and parenthood, getting help from a au pair or nanny is very beneficial. But of course, getting help costs money. At the very least, if you want to eradicate guilt, then try to spend more than two hours a day with your children.
Please don't see the rankings as a judgement call either. We all have got to do what we got to do to survive. Further, we can all take steps to improve our situation if we want.
If you want to overcome the guilt of not spending more time with your children, then try to beat the average amount of time a parent spends with their children. This way, at least you know you are doing more than the average person.
I used to feel bad having children late. But now I realized older parents can actually spend way more time with their children due to greater financial independence! I have to put in the effort, but it’s great to know it’s possible.
Brain Size Differential Of Toddlers With Different Care
To help illustrate the importance of love, attention, and time spent with a child, below is an extreme image. It's not the average.
The brain on the left is a normal three-year-old brain that received normal care and attention. The right brain is from another three-year-old that experienced extreme neglect and abandonment. In other words, spending time with your children and caring for them matters.
Try Your Best To Balance Career And Family
You can be a good parent in any of the above scenarios except for the last one. At the end of the day, you can only try your best and make the most of your current situation.
Remember, this logical parental ranking system isn't to massage your ego. This ranking system is for your children, not for you.
If you're mad at the ranking, then look at your family situation and try to make some changes.
Prioritize Career Or Family?
Before I became a father, I already suspected I couldn't become a great dad if I continued to work 60+ hours a week in investment banking. I spoke to plenty of colleagues who worked 60+ hours a week. They all lamented about never having seen their kids grow up.
Many parents, especially working mothers, also told me they felt a tremendous amount of guilt being at the office all day. When I asked why wouldn't they just take a break from work, they always said they couldn't quit the money.
It wasn't just the people from banking who said this. The same refrain was echoed by the people I spoke with in private equity, venture capital, management consulting, and technology.
Despite the good pay, there are plenty of miserable folks. It's unsettling to feel a constant tug between career or family.
Guilt is mentally draining and can really weigh you down if left unchecked. It's important not to overlook your mental health if you're feeling overwhelmed.
Career And Family Planning
I recognized my inability to simultaneously give my best to both work and fatherhood. As a result, when I was 33 years old I started to seriously plan for a career transition.
This was one year after I had started Financial Samurai. Even back then I could already see its potential to one day free me from corporate bondage.
The whole idea was to have something to do at home while my wife and I took care of our little one together.
She would ultimately join me in early retirement. Since time spent with your baby/toddler is a key variable for being a good parent, having two stay at home parents seemed better than having just one.
We both negotiated severance packages to provide us a financial buffer after work. Further, I diligently focused on building as much passive income as possible to support our lifestyles. With the addition of supplemental income from this site, we have been able to both be stay at home parents since 2017.
The 2 – 5 Year Timeframe For Parenting
Dilemma: For years, I thought the best solution was to forsake my career and focus on being a good father. This is one of the reasons why I waited so long before deciding to have kids. I felt I needed to save way more money than I realized because I was never going back to work. I regret having waited so long.
Solution: What I now realize is that if you want to be a great parent, it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Instead, all you really have to do is give up at most five years of your career to make things happen.
Related: How To Get Into An Elite Preschool Or Private Grade School
Why Give Up Five Years At Most?
Age five is when most kids start going to kindergarten. Once they're in kindergarten, you no longer have to spend all day with them. Given you now only have to drop them off and pick them up, you're welcome to go back to work.
If you feel five years is too long of a period to be out of the workforce, then there's another solution. You only have to give up your career for 2-3 years because age two is usually the earliest kids can attend preschool.
Being out of the workforce for 2-3 years won't impact your career very much in this more understanding world. You should have little problem getting a similar type of job with similar type of pay should you wish to reenter the workforce after 2-3 years of full-time parenting.
Further, the labor market bounced back two years after the pandemic began. Corporations are offering more flexibility to work from home to try and retain employees. Employees are quitting at the highest rate for better opportunities. Further, the idea of FIRE is becoming obsolete due to more work flexibility.
Preschool To The Rescue To Help Working Parents
A preschool day lasts between 3-9 hours, but it's usually recommended not to leave your kid in pre-school for longer than six hours or else they'll be too tired, too cranky, or too homesick.
The only hitch is that preschool at age two is sometimes only two or three days a week. Most preschools are five days a week only once the child is three or four years old.
If you don't have kids, you probably won't be thinking about these timelines because you've got so many other things to think about. Giving up your career to raise your kids is not easy. With preschool, you only have to give up 2.5-3 years at most.
We were thinking about things like buying the right home, getting an umbrella policy to protect our wealth, remodeling, getting a safer family car, life insurance, taking pre-natal vitamins, proper feeding, right size diapers, doctor visits, and more.
But if you know you'll only have to be out of the workforce for 2-5 years maximum, you won't have to save and invest as much. You'll also be able to be more confident having kids earlier, which may make it easier on the mother's body and safer for the well-being of both mother and baby.
If you exit the workforce for 2-5 years at a younger age, you'll correspondingly be that much younger when you restart your career. After all, many people who stop work and go to graduate school for 1-2 years seem to have no problem finding work again.
Related: Have A Net Worth Goal Before Having Children: How About $1 Million
Balance For Career And Family
I know some of you are thinking I overanalyze things. Millions of people just wing it all the time and are fine. Well maybe not, since there are so many messed up kids and divorces.
But this article isn't for me since I'm already a father who doesn't plan to go back to work ever again. Let's check back in in the year 2030 to see whether I'm still as enthusiastic about being a permanent stay at home dad.
This article is for those of you who are considering when is the right time to have a kid, when to have more children, how will having kids disrupt your career, how much you need to work, save, and invest to ensure your family is taken care of, and for those who want to be the best parent possible.
I wish someone clearly explained to me the 2-5 year timeframe during my most gung-ho career days. I would have been much more serious about trying to start a family when I was 32, instead of trying at age 36-37.
One of my biggest regrets was not having children sooner. Given you will love your children more than anything else in the world, you want them to be in your life for as long as possible as well.
That said, there are a lot of benefits doing being an older parent as well. Namely, you may not have to stress as much about money. Further, you can spend way more time with your children during their first 18 years of life than younger parents.
Parenting Is Hard Work
Being a full-time parent rivals the toughest jobs in the world. You need a tremendous amount of patience, endurance, and calmness about you because there is no reasoning with a baby/toddler. Sometimes I daydream of going back to work to take a break from fatherhood!
At any moment, my kids could injure themselves or worse. I would say in comparison, most jobs are a walk in the park compared to taking care of a baby/toddler. No wonder why so many parents can't wait to get back to work after their parental leave is over!
Now that I've spent almost six years as a stay at home dad with two children, I can unequivocally tell you that it was the best time spent. I wouldn't trade any amount of money to not have that time with my kids. They grow up so fast. Once that time is over, you can never get it back.
Related: The Cost Of Raising Many Children Is Not Just The Money
The Best Career Plus Parenting Combination
In conclusion, I believe the best combination for families is to have one working spouse to insure financial security and one full-time parent to insure maximum childcare. If the full-time parent can be a full-time parent for 2-3 years until the child attends preschool, this combination is best for the child and the full-time parents career.
A great preschool is usually a place of joy and learning for a child. Your child will get to do new things they might not have done at home, such as participate in art classes, physical education classes, music classes, and so forth. The preschool has trained and motivated educators whose job it is to provide the most enriching environment for your child.
Of course your child won't receive the most amount of love and attention compared to when you were taking care of them at home. However, your child will be able to learn important social and survival skills.
Going back to work after having a baby is not easy, especially if the pay isn't much greater than childcare costs. You must do the math and decide what makes the most financial sense.
My hope is that more parents find employers who provide more flexibility when it comes to childcare. Increased employer flexibility is one of the main benefits of the pandemic. Please find an employer that supports both your career and family life.
Related post: Love Or Career? Which Will You Regret Not Having Most?
Recommendations For Parents To Balance Career and Family
1) Get term life insurance.
If there's one thing the pandemic has taught us is that tomorrow is not guaranteed. All parents need to get a term life insurance policy to cover all liabilities and expenses until their children are independent adults. The easiest way to compare quotes is by checking on Policygenius.
My wife as able to double her life insurance coverage (to match mine) and pay less with Policygenius. Policygenius gets qualified life insurance carriers to compete for your business. As a result, you can see all the customized quotes all in one place.
One of the mistakes we made was not having the same life insurance coverage amounts. This made no sense since we both take care of our children, manage our investments, and keep this site running.
2) Stay on top of your finances.
College tuition is now prohibitively expensive if your child doesn't get any grants or scholarships. Therefore, it's important to save and plan for your child's future.
Check out Empower's new Planning feature, a free financial tool that allows you to run various financial scenarios to make sure your retirement and child's college savings is on track. They use your real income and expenses to help ensure the scenarios are as realistic as possible.
Once you're done inputting your planned saving and timeline, Empower with run thousands of algorithms to suggest what's the best financial path for you. You can then compare two financial scenarios (old one vs. new one) to get a clearer picture. Just link up your accounts.
There's no rewind button in life. Therefore, it's best to plan for your financial future as meticulously as possible. It's better to end up with a little too much, than too little!
I've been using their free tools since 2012 to analyze my investments and I've seen my net worth skyrocket since.
I also strongly encourage you to teach your kids about personal finance. Money-smart kids are more likely to grow into money-savvy adults, be more independent, and reach greater successes throughout their lifetimes.
3) Negotiate A Severance
If you want to be a full-time parent, then you should negotiate a severance. Don't quit. If you negotiate a severance, you can get a severance check, and potentially subsidized healthcare, deferred compensation, and worker training.
When you get laid off, you're also eligible for roughly 26 weeks of unemployment benefits, sometimes longer. Having a financial runway is huge during a transition period.
Conversely, if you quit your job, you get nothing. Check out my book, How To Engineer Your Layoff: Make A Small Fortune By Saying Goodbye. It teaches you how to negotiate a severance.
I first published the book in 2012 after I engineered my own severance. The book has since been expanded to over 240 pages post-pandemic thanks to tremendous reader feedback and successful case studies.
Use the code “savefive” at checkout to save $5. Negotiating a severance to be a full-time parent was one of my best decisions ever. Our children grow up quick!
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Financial Samurai is one of the largest independently-owned personal finance sites that started in 2009. Everything is written based off firsthand experience. Career Or Family is a FinancialSamurai.com original post.
Hi Sam , thank you for this article . Would you have any advice regarding what kind of alternative work a doctor could do from home ? I can’t do medical work , I resigned to be with my seven month old . I’m so lost regarding what I could apply for since frankly all I know about is medicine . Please advice ! Thank you – from a desperate doctor mama
I’m number 7 which is apparently the worst ranking but weirdly enough I see myself spending way more time with my daughter than so many couples working.
Like I notice they drop the children off every day the minute the day care opens and pick up last minute before close.
I also notice they got their babies in the day care at what, 1 month old??? Because they both work? That is so odd to me.
I went back to work when my daughter was 9 months old, but I took her to work with me. Until she was three that is and then she started day care. The last two years ( she just turned five) she has gone to day care but I’m a professional and I still cut corners on my full time hours to drop her late or pick her up early or pick her up for lunch then drop her back. I love love the time we spend together.
I live in a remote area too so no family to ring up for a last minute whatever!
Based on caregiving, I’ve worked full time and been a single mother since she was nine months old but she really has had only two years of her first five in day care and I minimise her time in there. Also got no travel time to work as I live five minutes from where I work so we are lucky.
I think my daughter and I have the best time together ever and we are so close.
I feel sad for them babies with two working parents getting four different workers a day change their nappies.
Think I’ll stay on my ranking seven!!
“You can be a good parent in any of the above scenarios except for the last one.”
I guess , in addition to my comment I got so carried away saying how much my daughter rocks my world I forgot why I went to comment! Turns out I actually can’t be a good parent. Dammit ; )
I love your attitude! Thank you for sharing and being a great parent!
Wow some really brutal comments here. Though I don’t find the article relates to my personal experience very much at all, I can still appreciate the points you raised and didn’t actually find anything offensive or controversial at all. That coming from a single mother who’s juggled study and a hoard of multiple casual jobs at times and still relying on a partial amount of social welfare to get by. If I had the chance to do it over again, your way sounds way more ideal. That said, I stumbled across your blog when I was trying to find anything regarding mum leaving kids with dad to pursue a higher paying career (kind of switching the traditional socio typical gender roles), and becoming the every other weekend and half holidays parent. Yeah I know, the search bar did everything but role it’s eyes at me (funny that)! And your blog was the only thing that came up amongst a barrage of different “10 side hustles stay at home mums can do to earn extra income around their husbands incomes”. I’ll save you the suspense, 100’s of surveys a week is not what I would have guessed either. I obviously didn’t put in the right keywords or something. Truth is leaving the kids despite now being 12 and 14 is harder than I thought it would be. I’ve fantasised about escaping the area that has kept me imprisoned since the relationship broke down and I became a single mother restrained by court orders with no flexibility that allowed for both raising small children and the ability to financially fund a healthy work, life and rest balance. Wow I’m not real great at getting to the point am I? *writes it down on list of things to improve on*.
Ok so my question is, the passive income you mention. I have looked into this and time again get led down rabbit holes that end up being a complete waste of time. With no savings and living week to week much of the time, is there anything you recommend that’s worthwhile pursuing. I guess you might even word it as a possible “side hustle” (lol) around my low income earnings that might just help to bump up my income with minimal time constraints in the long run? Obviously private property is out, I can barely afford my rent 6 months of the year. But anything else come to mind? I must have watched 200 different you tube videos and sat through 100 different free online seminars on how selling mugs through Amazon or entering into some bizarre pyramid scheme would provide the solutions to my questions if I could just manage to front up $2000 to start off with. Time I’ll never get back gah.
Anyway I enjoyed your article. Good luck with the kids, sounds like you have your act together, good for you (I genuinely mean that). Thanks in advance if you actually managed to persevere to the end of my comment/question. I hold no resentment if not. I would have probably done the same haha.
Nice to hear from you. Yes, this is a touchy subject with family and Money is always a personal thing.
I’m not sure about your exact situation, but are there possibilities to jump to a better employer for more pay and work flexibility? If not, can you ask for a raise if you haven’t had one in a while?
How do you spend 2 1/2 years before 7 AM and after 10 PM writing on this website before I left my day job in 2012. From this website has come numerous opportunities, such as writing, a best selling personal finance book, doing consulting, and earning online income.
So, if you have not yet already, I would suggest starting a website for free and building your brand online. If you do, and share your story, there will be unexpected opportunities that will come your way.
Best of luck!
Where I live in Austria, I took 1 year maternity leave to take care of my child. The best time ever. My husband was working but he missed on this special bonding time. When she was 2, the Pandemic hit and I was able to work from home, which I loved as I could take care of her and not give her over to the system. We tried and she hated Kindergarden. I intend to find a job which allows home office, so that I can earn, but also be there for my little one. I don’t care what science, other people or the society thinks. But in my gut I know that people in day care cannot take care of her as I can. Children need parents.
Wow, you opened up a can of worms the first time this article was printed. My son is 27 and I was 37 when he was born. We had already accumulated enough savings for me to choose to stay home full time until he was in 2nd grade. I choose part time work after that, which allowed me to do a lot of volunteer work for the schools and the booster club fundraising for the activities my son was interested in, in middle and high school.
I don’t know about studies on the effects of parents staying home vs. working but I did notice that when my son was in high school in AP courses I knew most of the other parents whose kids were in these classes. These kids were all college bound, all involved in music, sports, robotics, drama, speech, etc. And the majority had one stay at home parent, or at least a parent who had stayed home during the early years and both parents continued to be heavily involved in their kids activities.
Every child wants to receive love from their parents, not just from a nanny. Balancing career and children is not easy, so many couples live a DINK lifestyle these days. I do not support this idea. To each their own.
This article is quite opinionated. I think we can change our paths, but the things we truly have power over are sometimes limited. What we do have the ability to do is respond in positive ways and parent the best we can. I have a hard time relating to this article because I feel like I started in a place with very different circumstances. But it did get me thinking and appreciating what I have.
All opinions welcome. What is your situation?
Not sure how I came across this article. I guess I learned my lesson about googling things. Your background is FINANCE. Not child development. I have a Master’s degree in child development and the ONE picture you referenced from a scientific article is a picture from an article about children who were left in a crib for months on end (severe neglect). Absolutely no relevance to your article about working parents unless they plan to keep their child in a crib until they return home from work. You have no expertise and cite ZERO scientific research. Please stick to finance and taking care of your beautiful children. Hope nobody is suckered into this arduous sales pitch.
If you have a Master’s degree in child development and offer no advice or wisdom, what’s the point? Telling someone you don’t know, what to write and how to think is very myopic. Freedom of thought is a beautiful thing. Don’t squash it in others. Sharing our knowledge helps all of us grow.
If you are having some issues you are dealing with, please know you are not alone. The pandemic has been a difficult time. Also, I would gladly read the papers you’ve written about child development to reveal blindspots and knowledge holes.
Related post: If You Love Your Spouse, You’d Make Them Financially Independent
This is something I’m literally facing every single day. I work in a tech sales role and am envious of the time my partner spends with my daughter.
I feel guilty when I don’t spend time with her, I’m still wfh for the most part.
Personally I’m considering taking a step down to relieve the stress/pressure and guilt.
I have no idea how people in sales roles do it.
Cass,
Please do share your wisdom. Your comment is very similar to Fox News’ Laura Ingraham comment who told Lebron James to “shut up and dribble” just because she disagreed with him.
Would you happen to be a privileged white woman as well? If so, we call these people”Karens” in America.
I hope you’re putting your Master’s degree to good use.
Education is about learning all different points of view.
What a misleading and misinformed article. Hey potential parents you *only* need to give up your career, earning potential and industry knowledge for 2-5 years! Then you can hop right back in: no one will notice your employment LOA! Do you honestly believe the BS you’re selling. Newsflash you didn’t quit your career when you started running a financial blog from home and going to graduate school isn’t the same as quitting your job to change diapers for two years. When people say they can’t quit their jobs because they need the money that doesn’t make them greedy that makes them practical. To live off savings/investments is a gamble. To raise a child with no money coming in is a high risk to say nothing of losing employement assisted health insurance. To assume you can walk back into your field after five years of no work related experience is naive. This advice should only be followed by trust fund families.
I’m surprised nobody has mentioned in the comments that he says you only need to give up five years max…but that’s if you only plan on having one child. Most couples want their children to have siblings, and often have multiple children. If you were to have 3 kids every 3 years, and waited until the youngest was 5 in order to go back to work, that’s 11 years out of the work force. If you have 3 kids every 2 years, that’s 9 years out of the work force. I’m in my late 20s planning on how to balance being with my children and having a career. Even if I started now, at a young age, I wouldn’t be “starting” my career until nearly 40. This was a major flaw in this article.
Obviously, you have to adjust accordingly. I said at most five years, and that’s for the majority of families. Preschool generally starts at age 2 or three, which can be full-time. So the median number of children at under two per American household, you would get to five years.
But if you want to have three children, obviously, you need to make some sacrifices. No parent would rationally think they can do it all with no childcare help with three children. Something has to give.
When my children began preschool, I decided to do more work online and write my bestseller, Buy This Not That. Instead of spending a typical 40 hours a week working, I spend 15 to 20 hours a week so I can spend more time with my children.
To your point about parents wanting their child to have siblings, why is this? We all know plenty of people who are not close with their siblings or worse, have an acrimonious or litigious relationship with their sibling(s). Wanting your child to have siblings is misguided. The question should be: do you want to parent multiple children and are you willing to put in the additional effort to do so?
Thank you for such an honest article without word mincing. My kids are 2 and 3.5. Just had a big morning trying to ship them off to childcare/kinder. They go 4 days a week. They are demanding kids, high energy, high effort, high maintenance. And so is my job. Took 3 years off and decided it was enough, mental health and all, I’m a better mum when I get some me time (by me time I mean work time, I need the balance and I also need to grow the business which is to say I’m not an employee but working to take over the business.) every hour matters because it’s a big sacrifice and investment, sleep is sacrificed, with maybe 6 hours of sleep per day with interruptions every 2 hours for kids. Trying not to feel guilt because it’s not helpful unless you do something about it. It’s just a wasteful emotion. I want to make a difference in the world too, make an impact, and the inefficiency is killing me. Inefficiency of hours that are spent neither with quality time with kids nor on quality work (especially if someone at work is talking slowly about some unimportant issue.) Some days I’m flying and others feel like the mojo is lost somewhere among the toys and kitchen that is constantly in need of tidying, and damn if that isn’t really hard. Ok. Thanks for listening to the little vent. Ready now to go make the most of the day and then the most of the kids. And to work out how to be a better mum. That is the number one priority and should be.
Thank you for sharing! I find it really helpful as we have been going through a similar situation. Our daughter was born in September, 2021. Best thing ever happened in my life! Not that long ago, I used to work for a company that required travel frequently (occasionally same day notice) and overtime. My work schedule changed almost everyday. The constant uncertainty really stressed my wife and I out since she became pregnant. Covid made it even more complicated. My previous employer for some reason did not allow me to take FMLA and the manager wasn’t on my side. At one point, I was thinking of quitting my full-time job for a year to become a stay home dad. Working only one FT job, nevertheless, barely brings in enough income on Oahu. Eventually, I resigned but I couldn’t afford to be a stay home dad, so I had a new job lined up right away. Luckily, I now work for a major US company that gives me a set work schedule. I’m working on getting more passive income so maybe one day I can early out to spend more quality time with family.
No problem and congrats on your daughter. YAY! Being a parent is the toughest thing ever, especially the first 12 months of life. But things will get better.
And if you’re living in Oahu, I am so envious! Was just there in December seeing my parents and I’m trying to figure out how to get back.
I wanted to add another perspective as a full-time working mom looking to make a career change. I stumbled on this while googling looking for perspectives on cutting back work hours as my kiddo is heading towards school age.
My husband and I both work full-time and my son has been in daycare since he was 7 weeks old. It was a tough decision, but a really positive one for our family. At the time I was working a job that I loved deeply and we couldn’t afford to lose half our income for me to stay home. There was no way we could swing the health insurance cost. We researched and toured several care locations before we found one we loved and our son went to school there. It has been wonderful! We loved the infant teachers and felt that our kiddo was well taken care of by two ladies who loved him very much. It also allowed him to learn to build trusting relationships with others at a young age. He is now 3 and loves going to “school” with his little friends each day. It is hard, but not as hard as it was in the beginning.
At this time I am looking to make a transition to a career in education where we will have breaks aligned once he hits school age. The biggest challenge we have faced has been unexpected closures of his daycare due to weather and Covid related problems. We don’t live near any family and have had to rely heavily on a combination of babysitters and friends to help during closings. The last year taught me that one of us needs more flexibility in our schedule to be able to best care for the family as a whole. While I know that education jobs don’t provide flexibility, they do provide a matching schedule for school closings so I can care for my son and still be able to focus on my work.
I love being a mother and wouldn’t trade the experience for the world, but I do not feel that being a stay-at-home parent was the right choice for me. My mother stayed home with us for years and while I enjoyed the time with her I also saw how much she did when she went back to work. I am proud of how she built a business and became a very successful entrepreneur, but she still sees herself as a mother first even though her children are all grown and in our 30s. Weekends are our time together as a family and my husband and I protect that time with an intensity that is hard to describe. He has lost out on promotional opportunities because he refuses to be on-call on the weekends. That is our time together and when we get to give our son full attention. I am not an expert in child development and have learned a great deal from parenting my son, but I am also thankful for professional caregivers at his school who put together engaging activities and educational opportunities for him to learn and grow daily.
I am looking forward to having more flexibility to take care of my son when his school is not open and being able to parent him with less anxiety about meeting his needs. Having two stay-at-home or work-from-home parents may be a wonderful option for many families, but we have found a great deal of peace and joy in our current two-working-parent household.
Thanks for your perspective! There is probably no greater joy a child who loves going to school! Every parent needs to figure out what works for them. Glad things are working out for your family.
I quit work when my daughter was 6 months old. She was cared for by family but I wanted to be there with her, caring for her, watching her grow…I’ve looked back over our YTD income over the past 20 years and we had some very hard, low income years. But we look back now and thank God we made it. We stuck to our plan of him working and me being with the kids. And he always chose a night schedule in order to be home more. My daughter is a sophomore in college now, the time I spent with her was priceless. My son as well, he is 16. We sent them to a private college prep school where they only attended 2 days a week K-6 and 3 days a week 7-12. It was perfect. My son is currently homeschooled/co-op/college classes. But, now that my daughter is gone, having a blast at college, we look back and we are very thankful for our choices. We sacrificed a lot, but those babies were so (still are so) worth it!
I just recently turned down a great offer for a f/t job (I’m not completely content in my p/t situation – it’s not engaging my mind enough). That is what led me to your article. Something you said helped to reconfirm my decision to stay home and continue working p/t. I love the time I’m spending one on one with my son. Because he is the youngest, the quietest and most east going, he didn’t stand out above his sister. Now, we have this amazing time to just focus on him. We can tell he loves it, and we especially love it. He specifically told his dad, “I need more time with you”, so my husband cut down on his side job to spend more time with our son. These kids are such a gift! We do not do everything perfectly as parents, but we sure try hard. With a lot of love, a lot of open conversation and a fantastic amount of prayer. Thank you for your article. It was helpful.
Wonderful to hear you enjoyed your time raising them. I don’t think we parents will ever regret it!
I don’t think I will. The time is flying by with my little ones 2 and 4.8 years old now.
Thanks for sharing and stopping by.
Hi, I believe most women would love to take 2-5 years off, but it is not possible. It is already impossible to save. Look at where inflation and housing costs are taking us now? I wanted to move closer to work but now that is impossible.
Also, consider in some industries women are screwed if they take 2-5 years off, example in the financial industry you will lose your Finra licenses. I have actually wondered if there is a way to put these licenses on “maternity” hold and have them in place once a woman returns. If not, is this grounds for a legal case?
Leave it to a man to declare that leaving the work force for five years is no big deal and you can just pick up right where you left off.
As a stay-at-home dad since 2017, I can empathize with your worry. But blaming me for sharing my thoughts and experience b/c I’m a man isn’t going to help your situation. Better to adopt an abundance mindset.
The limit is 5 years at most… but realistically, 2-3 years, since that is when most kids are eligible for preschool. One way to stay relevant, if possible, is to continue doing freelance work or entrepreneurial work as a stay at home parent.
Related post: The Average Amount Of Time A Parent Spends A Day With Their Children Is So Low
The problem I have with this is what about teaching your children work ethic? They learn from example and seeing Mom and Dad go off to work to put food on the table is a good example.
Plus with daycare and preschool kids get to be with other kids which they often like.
Please don’t get me wrong every parent should think about their career and how much time it is so they have time with their kids.
But I think to seeing parents work at their jobs and learning money doesn’t grow on trees can also be valuable life lessons for kids.
I am just not so sure seeing two parents not work is a gold thing.
I’m thinking to take a break from my career for taking care of 5 yrs old and 2.5 years old. I reached to your page to look for wisdom from other parents. When kids start going kinder and preschool, does it still worth leaving the career for parenting? because when they get older, say teenagers, they spend more time with their friends. When they get older and if I want to go back to work, it may be difficult to get the same salary I used to make. I guess I’m in fear of insecurity of finance but I would like to make myself available to pick up, drop off and do the home work for my kids even it’s for a couple of years. I might be just greedy for the perfect life.
You have inferred that a single parent who has no choice to work and is doing the best they can to provide for their child is worse than a couple who both work or a couple with one stay at home parent.
That’s not fair! I should be able to do everything as a single mother just as much as a loving couple.
If you look at a general view of how responsible a single parent’s children are vs a full time at home parent – I think single parents raise much stronger kids. Also research proves that working mothers raise more responsible children.
I agree. Many single parents do a phenomenal job raising kids.
I don’t know that I necessarily agree with the parental ranking, because there are a ton of variables that have been left out. How flexible is the job? How easy is it to take time off? What about health insurance? How family friendly is the company? How much travel? Jobs that are more project based (e. g. It doesn’t matter so much when you work, just as long as the work gets done) can be ideal. For example, if a single parent had flexible job with great health insurance, unlimited time off (some jobs offer this now), help from a relative, she/he could be more available than two parents who both have inflexible, demanding jobs where they have to punch a time lock or do a lot of traveling.
But keep in mind, this article and the ranking is just one guys opinion.
I’m not sure I agree with the most important time for a child being before Kindergarten or not working at all either, but I do agree with spending more time or quality time or putting a priority on parenting above your work. We adopted our son when he was 2 years old, my husband and I both worked full time. Since March 2020 (COVID) my husband has been down to 25 to 30 hours a week and I work from Home now (32 hours a week). My son has benefitted greatly with us spending more time with him since the start of COVID – 19 last March. We are in hybrid mode so he is going to 3rd grade 2 times a week and home 2 to 3 times. My husband does the morning shift and I do the afternoon. Because he is doing so much better I believe I will try to continue to work from home forever. I don’t know if it is as much as Not working that he has benefited by, but more of putting him first before my work. The hardest part for me was to except not being as good at my job for the time being. So I think that is my sacrifice, but am rewarded often when my son loves being with me.
–Amy
Honestly, I could not get through the first few paragraphs of this. How condescending and shaming of parents who HAVE to work while their kids are young. I wonder if there are good points made later on, but I’ll never know, because the tone sounds toxic to start with.
It’s not many parents fault that we have kids. We deserve to be able to raise our kids and make as much money as we want. It is the responsibility of the teachers to care for our kids during the day, not the parents as we go and make our money!
A teacher’s responsibility is to teach.
I agree, my husband is mentally ill, can only work part time. He will get SSDI soon, but guess what we have to stay poor to get benefits. There is an income limit to medicaid too. He can’t work full time. Very few jobs, if any, will give you full benefits unless you are working full time. We have two small girls and I would literally give the world to stay home with them. I can’t trust my husband to stay home with the girls because of his mental illness. But we’d have to live with his somewhat unstable parents forever. So I guess we’re f*cked. Thank you. Some people don’t choose their situation.
The person who wrote this article is a moron and thinks that single parents are either selfish or just stupid. I came here because I wanted to know if it’s possible to have a great relationship with your kids even when you have to work full time.
I’m a Sahm mom in a bad situation and your telling me that my relationship with my kids will basically be the worst. I guess I could just rack up a ton of debt and then my kids can pay for it when I’m dead and gone. Because apparently staying with them All Day is the only way I can be a great parent.
I don’t think you’re selfish or stupid at all. Life happens to all of us. And we make do the best we can with each situation.
And yes, I absolutely believe you can have a great relationship with your kids even if you have to work full time. I wish you and your family the best of luck.
Related: The Average Amount Of Time Parents Spend With Their Children
Agreed. A disgustingly judgmental and I’ll informed article based on zero research and only anecdotal evidence. Moreover, who says the parents with kids at home are doing anything educational/better than childcare? Or that parents working for their own sanity and well-being might not be better for the child than that parent staying home? Plus the blatant impracticality/impossibility of staying home for many families. Research actually shows that good quality childcare centres are better for kids than staying home and as someone else mentioned, research also supports the benefits of single mothers who work. I also think the very real and long term negative impact that extended time off can have on a person’s career can’t be overlooked (the author suggests in a comment freelancing etc but this may not be an option and even if it is, it’s a lot of work to get freelance jobs for some and working that around a child when you haven’t organised care could be very hard). I can’t stress enough how harmful the messages on this page are. Do what works for you and your family, be it care, staying home or working and that’ll be what’s best for your child.
The truth hurts. The “do what works for you and your family” is NOT helpful to the parents out there trying to decide what is best for their family.
And you just disagreeing without providing any research or evidence is unhelpful. If you are struggling to raise your children, please keep an open mind. See a psychologist if you have to.
Take responsibility. And yes, spending more time with your children is better than spending less. Only an irresponsible parent would think otherwise.
“ It’s not many parents fault that we have kids.”
Then whose “fault” is it? God’s?
Just the fact that you are not taking responsibility for your kids probably makes you an irresponsible parent.
Because what else are you blaming other things for as well?
Take reaponsibility and grow up!
This is a silly article based on personal opinion. I didn’t read past the point of your thoughts on what the best order is for parenting. I believe this is all depended on life situations and family’s and some children are obviously in a better spot when they aren’t home with 2 parents. Makes me wonder if you have kids even…. like what lesson would my kid learn if we both stayed home and no one had to work for anything .
Yes, life situations are different. I think most would agree that spending MORE time with you children is better than spending less. If this concept is silly to you, then we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
But to progress in thought, it’s worth thoroughly reading a different point of view. Otherwise, we’ll just end up stuck in our own echo chambers.
Related: Your First Money Memories Might Dictate The Rest Of Your Financial Future
Totally agree with you. Sounds like real Tomfoolery and ignorance. Maybe they should mention about Oprah’s single mom life; somehow she turned out more than decent and from your super erroneous and clouded image. You as a writer remind me of the idiots in Peoria, IL at the attachment parenting group who shamed me the natural single mom and the test tube baby career single mom that we can’t be true attachment parents. 13 years later my daughter and I can take about anything, in her TEEN years. Well gotta say these opinions of yours are terrible just like most nuclear family elitists. Those who liveth path straight and narrow have the worst advice to give
Oprah, Amy Coney Barret, etc. They dont raise their own kids, they pay people to do it for them.
Don’t think Oprah has kids.
Hes saying take off only a couple or few years not the children’s whole life.
I am really worried at the moment. I do not want to leave my nine months little boy at home and go to work. My husband is working full time and I have to get back to work for immigration purposes but I am really not ready. I am feeling sick and anxious.
I’m sorry that you are feeling this pressure. I arrived at this article feeling guilty about work/life balance for my 5 year old who began child care at 6 months. I can tell you that finding the right child care is a Godsend. The search will be difficult, but when you find the match it makes a world of difference. The author’s assessment of all child care being essentially neglectful is not accurate. Can you work part time, or set up a schedule that enables you to still enjoy quality time in the afternoons/evenings?
I was surprised to read that kids can join day care as early as 2 years old. I am going to look for a place to bring my daughter to child care. It would be beneficial to get this early education for her.
Thank you for all that you have written, as a mum who had a child at 17 and supporting my husband for him to finish his degree and working non stop, now at age 27 I got my long service leave and we just had another baby and we have decided we are in a financial position where I can be at home and share these moments you mention with my second daughter that I missed the first time. It feels strange not working but it’s so nice to have quality time with my girls and I have returned to university to finish my degree which will take 4 years so I’m glad I’ll be able to have this special time and totally agree, especially if we have another baby. The first five years are so important and time you can’t get back with your children, if you can take the break, humble yourself you don’t need all the best gadgets, cars etc quality time is worth so much more! I always have my first daughter say how happy she is that I’m finally able to drop her off and pick her up. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy sitting at home but then realise how awful I felt missing all those important milestones. Thank you for this honest and raw blurb I really enjoyed reading it and it has given me more reassurance of my decision to return to my studies and be a sahm right now.
I think as well as emotional support, financially supporting your children is extremely important. We have a 2 and 4 year old. We knew a woman who was a SAHM for years and then her husband passed away and she had an extremely rough time financially for a long time trying to support her children. That had always been my husband and my fear and as such we’ve both always held fulltime jobs. We’ve been on split shift for years as well as a year of fulltime grandparent support so neither child has ever been in daycare. I don’t ever judge how one chooses to parent a child and having one person stay away home isn’t always the best option. We have extremely robust 401ks, rental houses and savings accounts as well as owing our own house to help pad our lives if the unthinkable ever happened. We do it all for our kids to ensure they are well taken care of. My husband splits the care of our kids 50/50 so we both put in a lot of time with them during the weekday as well as our own family time on the weekends. This all goes to show that every family’s choices are their own and having one person stay at home is not always the best option for kids. I honestly think the one family income viewpoint is a very antiquated view of the family unit and not one a financial site should be pushing as the best way to raise children.
I only read a portion of this article and it made me feel sick. I think you should put a warning that this is a post for people who believe in “more time spent with parents/family is the best for children”. I am a full-time working mother who needs to work to make living since my husband wouldn’t make enough to support the family. I went back to work crying while my son started going to daycare. I give all my love and time outside of work to him yet feeling the guilt. I am doing best possible I can in the situation we are in, it is extremely disappointed to see someone like you trying to convince others that your decision is the right choice for your children. Should I believe that my son won’t be good enough no matter how much effort we make because of the time not being spent with him as parents? Also, I would like to see where you get the data to create the “parental ranking system based on time for the good of your child (not yourself)”? I just wanted to let you know that you could hurt people’s feelings with your post. I understand that you want to believe and validate (and possibly advertise) your own theory.
It’s just my opinion that spending more time with our kids during the first five years is better than less time.
And if it makes you feel better, so many of my peers who work FT say it’s the quality of time that counts and not the quantity of time.
Feel free to argue what you think is the ideal solution to making money and caring for your children. Thx
So basically you’re calling your own father a bad dad, because according to you he was virtually absent. Though you seemed to have done well for yourself despite that. I agree that being there for children the first five years, if not at least 2 or 3 is the way to go before going back to work, but this is not the choice for everyone and I have seen children of working parents grow to become resilient and independent. You shouldn’t baby your kids too much either, they will suck on your teet for life and become very dependent and never want to leave home. I have friends like that unfortunately that still act like babies in their 30’s and still live at home, unable to keep a relationship. Like with everything in life there is a delicate balance to it. You should love your kids to the maximum, but you shouldn’t stop dreaming, because you don’t just stop dreaming when you have kids. People still have aspirations, and they don’t just stop when you have a child. It’s not just about money sometimes, it’s about making a difference, and if we all stay home, all of that passion would just be wasted. There is a way to be a good parent and work an amount of hours that is enough to make money but at the same time, not so much so that you can have time with the kids. All but the last situation listed on your list are good parents. Some parents HAVE to work. I thankfully work from home, and I can be with my 4 year old, but I have never stopped dreaming that’s for sure. My husband is self employed as yourself with his own business and is able to dedicate a lot of his time to the baby. Children are more important than money, but real people have real bills to pay and have to keep a roof over their heads. God bless all of the parents who are trying to be great parents and are because they care enough for their children to try to be