I don't think there's enough support for fathers and stay at home dads. Men also don't share their issues and feelings as readily as women for some reason. As a result, I'd like to change this by sharing more fatherhood stories and raising awareness about what many fathers go through in silence. This post is about a son who doesn't love me, but a daughter who hopefully will. My daughter is over 1 now and I feel blessed to have her.
After publishing my post, Nature Will Dictate When Is The Best Time To Go Back To Work, a reader named Mike reached out to empathize with my situation. In the post, I had written about constantly being rebuffed by my then 27-month-old son, despite only wanting to love and play with him.
As a father to a three-year-old son, Mike told me he hasn't been able to connect equally with his son as his wife has. When his son was born, he decided to quit his job indefinitely to take care of him. He was burned out from work after 10 years and thought now was as good a time as ever to take a break.
At about the 16-month-old mark, however, he noticed a change in his son's behavior. No longer did his son latch on to him. His son started developing a stronger preference for his mother, despite she having stopped nursing at the 12-month mark.
As the months went on, his son's ambivalence towards his father grew. At first, his son would want to play with him for two hours before calling for mommy. Then that time period shrank to one hour, then to 30 minutes, and now only to 5-10 minutes.
It didn't matter if he greeted his son with a big smile and a bowl of his favorite yummy foods. He couldn't capture his son's loving attention for longer than 15 minutes. At least 60% of the time, his son would also end up crying while with him to the point where he'd have to go away to prevent a full-blown, head-banging meltdown.
This, in turn, put a strain on his marriage. He started getting jealous of his wife for receiving so much of their son's love. They were also constantly exhausted and never had any alone time.
Mike felt like a tremendous failure because not only did he feel like an ineffective father, he was no longer providing financially for his family.
After 18 months of being a stay at home dad, Mike gave up and decided to go back to work. He didn't want to get rejected everyday anymore. He would much rather face the stresses of work.
A Son Who Doesn't Love His Father
Mike then told me something powerful, “I have a son who doesn't love me, but a daughter who hopefully will. My wife is seven months pregnant and I'm praying things will be better the second time around.“
In this moment, I realized, I too, longed for a second child. I wanted to try again, this time, as a wiser father who has learned from his mistakes.
I congratulated Mike on #2. But I could sense his trepidation that his daughter may develop in the exact same way as his son.
It's safe to say that a toddler doesn't know what love is. Their minds are racing at 100 miles per hour, trying to comprehend emotions and all that's happening in the world.
But when you are a father who gets constantly rebuffed over and over again, eventually you might feel that your child does not love you. You cannot help the way you feel. You just do.
As someone who put his career on pause for 18 months to spend every day taking care of his son, Mike wonders whether it was all worth it. After all, kids don't remember much before the age of three.
Undaunted, Mike hopes that he should at least get a precious 18 months of bonding with his daughter before she, too, no longer wants to spend time with daddy.
Single-Parent Household
What's dangerous about how nature can create this lack of bonding dynamic with the father is that the father may want to spend less time with his children while young. If a child was always sweet and wanted to spend time with his/her father, surely fewer fathers would abandon their families.
Take a look at this chart by KidsCount.org highlighting the percentage of children under age 18 who live with a single parent either in a family or subfamily. It does not discriminate between single moms or single dads.
Roughly 34 percent of all children in America live in a single parent household. The data somewhat makes sense since the national divorce percentage is somewhere around 40 – 50 percent.
Below is research by the Pew Research Center which shows that roughly 21 percent of children under 18 live with a solo mother, up from 12 percent in 1968
Below is a further break down of the percentage of children who live with a solo mom by race. Anothet Pew Research Center analysis found that 30% of solo mothers and their families are living in poverty compared with 17% of solo father families and 16% of families headed by a cohabiting couple. In comparison, 8% of married couple families are living below the poverty line.
I never understood how a father could abandon his wife and little one. It made no sense to me why couples would divorce before their kids even entered kindergarten. But I absolutely understand why now!
Kids are exhausting. They create a wedge between parents. Resentment grows when there is perceived or a real imbalance in workloads. And it certainly doesn't help when a hard-working, loving father, can't receive the same amount of love back from his children.
It is only natural to want to spend time with people who want to spend time with you. If a child, for years, rebuffs his father's love, maybe the father might become more distant. Maybe the father might even leave.
By the time the child comes around to realize how great it is to have a father, it may be too late.
Men Are Trying To Be Good Fathers
Contrary to popular belief, there are plenty of men who feel the tremendous pressure of being main breadwinners, great husbands, and terrific fathers. It's just not talked about enough.
A dad guilt epidemic is spreading because most fathers are not stay at home dads. As a result, they are constantly struggling with the guilt of working too much and not spending enough time with their children.
There must be some truth to the sayings, “mama's boy” and “daddy's girl.” My hope is that Mike's son and my son will one day realize that having a doting father is awesome.
But until then, we'll keep our heads down and focus on being the best fathers possible. I've slowly seen my son show more affection as he gets closer to three. I'm hopeful his affection will only continue to grow before he wants nothing to do with me as a teenager.
For fathers out there who feel like they aren't connecting with their young children or making a difference in their children's lives, here are some bullet points to consider.
When You Feel You're Not Being A Good Father
- The Greek philosopher Aristotle once said, “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” No matter how ineffective you feel as a father, your presence, guidance, and love makes all the difference during the early years.
- It is natural for your child to bond more with mommy in the first three years given the biological connection. A child will gravitate towards the parent who spends the most time, provides the most love, and provides the most food.
- Sooner or later, if you are a good parent, your child should come around to appreciate your presence. You must hold on long enough until he or she does. Don't give up. Give your child at least seven years to come around.
- While waiting for your child's affection, keep busy by being a provider in other ways. You can always improve your household's finances and provide for a better living environment. The separation of tasks is important.
- Ask mommy to encourage your little one to spend more time with you. Not only will she welcome the relief, it may encourage your child to open up more. You'll also feel better that mommy is trying to balance the love scale.
- Don't look back and regret not having tried your best. Even if your son or daughter turns out to never show the affection you want, at least you'll know there was nothing more you could do. The same goes for having a child who doesn't do well in life. The only way you can avoid letting guilt eat you up is by trying your best at parenthood. If your best isn't good enough, then so be it.
Fathers, do you have a son who latched onto his mother and rebuffed you no matter how hard you tried to connect? If you have a daughter or also have a daughter, did you notice a better relationship with her? Is there a scientific reason why a son mostly just wants to be with his mother after the nursing period is over?
Update 4Q2020: My son is 3 years and 5 months old now and he's still hot and cold. Sometimes he's extremely loving, other times he wants to do his own thing. Now that I have a daughter, I'm putting a lot of hope in her that she will be loving.
Related: Career Or Family? You Only Need To Sacrifice For 2 – 5 Years At Most
Hello
My son has just become a dad – in a new glam ma -and he has told me things that sound like what you’re experiencing.
Firstly, good on you for saying what you feel – women do need to know this – it’s often news to us. I don’t know what it’s like to be a man my sons have let me in on their issues and I am so glad they have. Men don’t understand what is like to be a woman either so these discussions are fantastic.
Secondly, babies need their mum differently to how they need their dads. If you look at it like that it’s less painful. As your children grow into their personalities who you are is what they will love not what you’re doing for them. When children a little they need concrete things but as they grew they seek out less tangible qualities. You love different things about your parents and you probably get on better with the one for some reason.
Try and remember this, your actions often won’t solicit the response you want. That’s because the person you act upon doesn’t see the world exactly like you. You might buy your partner flowers because it’s a lovely gesture but if they don’t care for flowers they might not gush when they get them. That’s not personal it’s just their reaction.
Your children will love you don’t worry about that. I know because unless they have a mental health issue they will know you are always there. The fact that you care so much will be what they love for sure.
Trust me.
It’s nice to hear that men (thank you Mike) in this generation (born around the 80’s) are aware of their feelings and more importantly desire to share and learn from other men in their community (whether online or local).
I have 4 kiddos age ranging from 1 – 11 and each kid is completely different from the other and their relationship with me or my wife is also unique. I had/have so much to learn and recently I gathered a nugget while spending time with a few older men who I allow to speak into my life.
They often reminisce; stories past of life with kids at home, too much work not enough time to give to each one and the very normal complication of married life coupled with their own expectations, yet again cast aside for someone else’s “emergency”. Recently tho, one of those kind gentlemen described how love is so very different to us all and kids are no exception. They way we offer love correlates how we receive love and thus how we receive love is multi factorial, whether family roots from (how your parents received or gave love, their parents, ect) or life circumstances (trauma, negative life events) or just our DNA.
And so, what I gathered was this: love is subjective to the giver and receiver and identifying the way our kids give and receive love is important on a level equal to discipline or emotional support. So, the quest to find how they love they most effectively receive love is a crucial part of the parenting journey.
I have 3 kids under 7 and they def gravitate towards their mother, but that is nature bc mothers are nurturers. As my oldest learns more, he gravitates toward me. We play sports and do things his mother won’t or doesn’t like……men def lose their priority with the woman though as kids come, instead of being the main focus he is now 3rd or 4th in the depth chart. Men leave bc they feel unloved, unvalued, and as a money tree. Limited sex and burning cash will make any man go crazy. Not to mention working for some lunatic boss to earn a check that is swallowed hole by the dependents. Having kids in America no longer makes sense to me, they are amazing but the cost of raising them plus the power women have w the courts make having kids and marriage a losing proposition.
Now that I have two boys now(3 y/o and 6 month old) I try to be a great dad by feeding, playing talking and just being there for them. I expect when they older especially when they get to high school to detached from me and my wife for a bit just because they are teenagers but also have them be aware that we are always going to be there for them.
Currently, our 3 y/o is probably attached to both my wife and I about equally(maybe 60/40 in favor of my wife) but he loves being around us. When we discipline him, he simply forgets about it almost instantly and wants to hang with us but I’m sure that will change when gets to grade school and will resent the parent that discipline him.
I’m pretty sure you’re a great dad so far to your son Sam and doing the best you can. I mean you write posts about your son’s development and his preschool so it shows you really care for him. Just keep doing that and I’m sure you’ll be just fine.
Hi Kris! Congrats on number 2! :)
Hope you and mom are getting some sleep. If you have some tips on the best way to raise two kids, I’m all ears.
Cheers
I’ve been reading your blog for many years, but I believe it’s my first time to comment. I just can’t resist because this post resonates well with me. I have a grown-up son who I love dearly, but hasn’t talked to me in four years; it’s really sad. His mom and I divorced many years ago, but he spent most of his teen and collegiate years with us. My wife and I sent him to college debt-free— we paid 100% of the tuition. Shortly after graduation, he took a job in the city where my ex lives and never heard from him ever since. Last time I heard of him, he was doing very well. I’m very happy for him, but we somewhat feel betrayed. I try not to look back because I honestly tried my best to become a good father to him.
Sorry to hear. What about sending him an email or calling and ask if you can take him out to dinner or something and catch up? Or does he just not respond?
Surely a son would love to have a relationship with his father…. no?
Our son used to prefer me, his mom until he was 6 years old or so. My husband is an amazing dad and it was hard to see how our kid would sometimes rejected. When I was away on business trip things were different. They got along great and enjoyed their time together. Now that our son is older he likes spending time with the dad more: they go fishing, run errands, work in the yard and etc. It’s so nice to see them finally bonding. It’s possible that in the few years the attachment will shift and I’ll be seeking attention I’ve been enjoying for years. :)
Great to hear! I’m hopeful the same shift will happen with my son. But I also don’t want my wife to feel the rejection that I felt at times since she’s invested everything in our boy.
It is great you see joy in their relationship!
When my wife gave birth to our twin boys I was constantly on the road and I was home only three nights in a week. After one year I started my own business and ever since I have been at home every night. I did notice our sons were closer to my wife at the time when I was constantly absent but that is normal. After I stayed at home more, one of our sons started being really close to me and I don’t think there was a particular reason for that. The other one was really close to his mom, and we kind of got used to it and even made jokes about it.
They are 7 years old now and that is still going on. One of them really likes me and the other one really likes his mom. They are not identical twins and one has my looks and acts 100% like me and the other one has my wifes looks and my wife’s character.
Funny thing is that the one that looks and acts like my wife prefers me over her, and the other one prefers her. Isn’t that interesting?
Two years ago we got a third son and he likes both of us equally. To anyone out there that thinks their children “don’t like them”: I really would not understand it like that. It’s just a preference and a matter of comfortability. I wouldn’t worry much about it because kids tend to change a lot over time and while they might not want to play with you, they will eventually show their love fo you in one or another way.
Some food for thought, whether you agree or disagree. Best of luck Sam!
We have a 5 year old son and a 1.5 year old daughter. Sometimes, they prefer my wife, and sometimes they prefer me. We just roll with it and provide the best love, care and warmth that we can. It’s nothing something I personally stress much about. I try to be fit in the four F’s….Family, Fitness, Finance and Faith.
https://www.wordfoundations.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/why-children-need-stanton.pdf
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/podcast-555-dandelion-children-vs-orchid-children/
I have a son and a daughter. My son is the sweetest little guy to everyone but not liking his dad too much. My daughter is definitely a daddy’s girl. Kids changes and go through different stages.
I am planning to resign next year to dedicate fully to my daughter’s education and well being as she is now 6. For many families, the decision of who to stay home is base on income. As my husband makes more than I do it does not make sense for him to stay home. (a side note is us paying more than 200K in taxes and hit with AMT which didn’t seem to make sense for me to work, as my whole income had contributed to taxes, while no one really looks after the kids)
My daughter definitely prefer her dad. I am stricter and not playing with her as much as I also work full time and a lot of my weekend time dedicate to house chores. But I am looking forward to spending time with her and give her the gift of my time. All parents can do is to give unconditional love and try to provide the best for the children no matter what happens
Off-topic, but how does your “whole income contribute to taxes” and just curious on your thoughts on timing working/not-working vs. income/taxes.
My wife’s income of $10k per year is taxed at the highest rates across the board, so we have this discussion all the time. At this point she is working part-time because she enjoys the work, talking with her adult patients and the short “break” from the kids.
Not sure if you have the chance for part-time or not, but you may want to consider, if possible. For her, it’s not about the money, but the mental reward.
I think you will have no regrets leaving your job to spend more time with your children.
The time really flies and I have no grass myself. The moments are priceless.
I feel for this dad, even thou I’m a mom I’m in the exact same situation. My 2.5 year old son has a strong preference for my husband over me. Play time, bath time, holding him, making him a bottle, reading a book … if dad is around he wants him to do all of it. When he was born we both took our parental leave, I breastfed him for 9 months, we both work full-time and he was with nanny since 6 months old. I have no idea why things are the way they are, it’s very hard, but it happens to moms too, it’s not exclusively a dad problem.
Sorry to hear that. It must be very difficult for you. Some of the advice in the comments section are great. Please have a look. I think things will get better!
Best of luck.
Meh. Kids are all different, it’s neither nature nor nurture but both, and in varying degrees.
My first daughter was a daddy’s girl who, as an infant, would not tolerate being set down, demanded bedtime stories right up through The Lord of the Rings (when she was old enough to actually understand it), and wanted to play anything, dolls, toys, cars, trains, board games, multiplayer computer games, and so on.
Daughter number two didn’t like to be held by anyone (other than her older sister), had no use for being read to and just wanted to go to sleep at bedtime, and would only play a limited period of time with adults before telling them things like: “it’s okay for you to go now, daddy.”
Yet they’ve both turned out to be confident capable young women and everything a father could hope for.
My son is 9 months old and his smile lights up when he sees me and he follows me out of rooms. It’s great.
I am not looking g forward to a time he is ambivalent toward me.
I’ll keep this article in mind to stay present during those time.
He is always watching.
I wonder if it’s just the personality. Some people are just naturally better than others with kids.
My son was attached to me much more than my wife when he was young. Maybe part of it is because she couldn’t nurse him. He was on formula very early on. Anyway, I connected with my son right away and he preferred me for a long time. I’ve always been better with kids and animals. My wife is good with adults and seniors. We just connect better with different types of people.
Now that our son is a bit older, I’m stricter and tougher on him than his mom. So he prefers his mom more these days. I’m perfectly happy with that.
Anyway, just keep trying to be a good dad. The kids will figure it out at some point. I’m sure your son loves you very much. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to show it yet. Keep at it.
Wouldn’t it make sense your son has latched on to you more because you were the stay at home dad while your wife worked?
Nursing is probably makes a difference.
It’s great you have a great relationship with your son.
First 2 years the kids preferred me (mom) though we were both around a lot. After that it kinda changes by age/activity. I’m good for talking and my husband good for action. I also tend to be the nurturer and he really pushes them to do their best. But they gain from both of these dynamics. We try to focus on providing the love, the rules, the opportunities to grow, and not get too tied up in their constantly changing likes and dislikes.
That’s good to hear. The issue with men who stay at home is that there is this tremendous conflict between being a child care provider and earning money. So if the man decides to stop earning money and become a childcare provider, yet is rebuffed by his children, then that feels terrible.
Is your husband a stay at home dad?
No but he works from home. I have limited energy for carting kids/homework etc but do well w quality time. My husband grew up in S. America and has great memories of his father spending lots of time w him so he does the same. He pushes them a lot and I see them thrive. Whereas I’m more laid back. Different strokes.
Sam, would you be open to the possibility that Baby Samurai is manipulating both you and Mrs. Samurai? You have something in your spousal relationship that Baby Samurai can never have. Baby Samurai is testing boundaries, and competing with you.
You have all the power and control in the household; money, transportation, bedtime, menu, what to watch and what to play, pre-school, etc. Think about your own relationship with your father, and the chafing you feel at his comments and judgment (i.e. “maybe you aren’t good enough” or “the logo looks amateurish”). You will always be his son, and he wants better for you even if he uses reverse-psychology or is blunt.
Sam, you have family that loves you, right in your home and the home you were born into. You mean a lot to your friends, and readers. We are on your side, and confident this frustrating time will pass for you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Your son is quite lucky to have you and Mrs. Samurai as parents.
Very possible and good perspective. He is definitely old enough and smart enough for manipulation now.
Will keep this in mind. I’m pretty much a softy, which is why I probably should develop a balance of sternness too.
I am the dad of a 3 years old girl and a clinical psychologist.
Every baby is different of course but what really matters a lot in their development is what a parent believes. If you think your baby is smarter than average he/she will become more intelligent and if you think he she is slow you can imagine the consequences.
I suggest to stop focusing on the baby and trying to rationalise about his/her behaviour and to start doing something to stop feeling rejected. I can assure you that as soon as you change the way you feel you will start noticing changes in your relationship with your baby.
I know that it may not be an easy thing to do, but the secret to make the relationship work is to focus on yourself and changing the way you approach your baby.
It doesn’t make a lot of difference why your baby is “rejecting you”, but what really matters is to understand that if you keep believing that your son rejects you that is exactly what you’ll get and things will get worse as he/she grows up……
I’ve been there and I had lo learn the hard way that in order to improve the relationship with your baby YOU are the one that has to change. The bright side is that even though it is not an easy thing to do, it can be done and you can have full control about it.
Good perspective! I believe it. Although, I’m assuming that many parents think their kids are smarter, better looking, etc than they really are. Dunning-Krueger in effect.
Any specific tips on how to stop feeling rejected and how to change our mindsets?
thanks
You already changed your mindset when you left corporate america and became a successful full time blogger. So the good news is that you did it already and you can do it again.
I would start by speaking openly and express how you feel with the mum and ask her to help you out. If this is not enough or it can’t be done or it doesn’t work, I would think about doing a few counselling sessions. Best to find a counsellor thorough the suggestion of someone in your network that you respect and trust a lot.
Believe me, the fact that you are so open in speaking about it means that you already halfway toward the solution!
Sam,
As a child I distinctly remember missing my mother and thinking of her on my first day of kindergarten. I don’t think it’s unusual for children to gain an extremely strong bond to their mother.
That being said, now as an adult, my mom is still the saint I always knew and loved – but I can now say that my father is one of my best friends. You’re trading love in infantcy for a relationship with your son as an adult. It will be worth it, although it will probably be another 18 years before that relationship blossoms.
I haven’t gone through all the comments, so this may have already have been brought up, but it’s actually very developmentally appropriate for children to go through a time where they have a preference of one parent over another and be extremely attached to that one parent. This will likely happen with the second child as well, however it depends on the child on how long the phase lasts. This can be difficult for the parent who is not the “preferred parent”. Maybe knowing that this is part of development can be helpful? However, if that parent constantly feels rebuffed, they could start to develop “blocked care”. Blocked care literally changes your brain and can make you feel resentful and have less empathy towards your child. Your own childhood can also have an impact towards your chances of developing blocked care (I’m a newer reader and don’t know anything about your past, just throwing that out there). I would really encourage you and your reader to google Blocked Care (and blocked trust that can start in the child) and see if it is something that seems to fits your situation.
~ from an Internet stranger, but also a licensed clinical social worker
Good advice! Just read about blocked care here for anybody else interested. https://thechildpsychologyservice.co.uk/advice-strategy/blocked-care/
Wonderful you are a social worker. Thank you
Hopefully it can help others!
I think that there will always be a stronger bond between a child and his or her mother because of the typical bonding (especially if breast feeding) that the father just does not have the opportunity to do so.
Paternity leave, if even an option, is typically far shorter than maternity leave.
I will tell you firsthand experience because of a divorce that there is an incredible bias against the father as well when determining custody arrangements.
Typically the dad gets the standard “daddy visitation” schedule where the child spends the entire school week with the mom and the father gets every other weekend.
For the court to flip the visitation rules the mother usually has to be almost unfit in the eyes of the court and even that is debatable. I’ve seen stories where the mother was given primary time with the child and was a drug addict etc.
I certainly felt discriminated against by the court because of my gender. Even opposing counsel was trying to place the race card citing studies that said Indian fathers in India are abusive of their female daughters. It made my blood boil when I heard that argument in court.
Despite trying to convince the court that my wife had mental issues it fell on deaf ears. Only 6 years later when my ex continued to deteriorate did intervention occur and my daughter was then given back to me.
Kids are interested in different things at different times in their life. Just because a young child has a preference to a certain parent doesn’t mean they don’t love you… especially at a young age. There’s not a whole lot of reasoning or judgement there they just act out emotions at the time.
Best Advice I’d give is play different games with your children than your spouse does. Don’t “compete” at the same stuff and let your kids decide the games/fun as well.
Apologies, for maybe I missed the point of this post, but this write up sounds like a Dear Abby or dating advice column.
I have 3 kids and each one is different and has expressed themselves in changing ways as they grow. I’m not sure which one loves me more nor do I care. I do my best to be a good parent so they can launch successfully into the world.
Please re-visit this post in 10 years when Mike’s kids grow up and he has to deal with more pressing problems than figuring out why his toddler just isn’t that into him.
My experience with two children —— a daughter then a son —— is that they bond with the primary caregiver most when they are small. For our daughter, that was me because I stayed home with her. For our son, that was his dad. However, as they grow older, children will discern who is the most understanding. They want a parent who listens to them and respects their thoughts, wishes, and opinions. My son switched favorites later, when he realized that I was more understanding of his needs. I read a lot of parenting books in order to achieve that bond with him. I encouraged his dad to do the same but he never bothered. Also, I do think toddlers are a little like cats; they want to be the one who approaches you. They shy away from too much neediness or attention. With his wife gone or keeping busy with something else and therefore unavailable, Mike could ignore his son and be absorbed playing with some blocks or another favorite toy or game. Let son watch Mike play by himself for a while without noticing him at all. If Mike is patient and really absorbed in his play, eventually his son will become curious and approach him. It is key to let the child be in charge of the interaction, including the length of it. Before I had kids, it amazed me how all my friends would be fussing and cooing over someone’s toddler, and the toddler would ignore them and single me out to interact with because I was the shy one who did not approach. “Rebuffed you no matter how hard you tried to connect” was the clue that these fathers may be taking the wrong approach, because you cannot try too hard to interact with a cat or a toddler. Be patient, be present, and wait for them to be ready. Thank you for all your insightful articles.
Wise words and great analogy. Thanks!
I think my kids always preferred me when they were little. But I was also a SAHM. I do recall my son saying he wanted to marry me when he was 3 yrs old. Apparently that is not unusual. Perhaps that is what this little boy is going through. That son of mine went on to be very independent and successful. Never a momma boy. My husband connected with our kids through sports. That is not something I am good at. But they all played competitive sports from 5yr and even into college. That is something they share. I was more or less the tag along/cheerleader in a passive sense compared to him. Now in their 20s, the relationships have shifted more as they have other friends, finances, etc and are independent. This dad should not feel less loved. I hope he is the prince charming to a little girl so she knows what her future husband should be like (something I wish my husband was besides focusing on sports).
Children are humans and humans (like most animals) connect uniquely with every individual they meet (moms and dads included), and that connection strengthens and weakens to varying degrees over time. It’s just the way it goes.
And I absolutely disagree with “you cannot help the way you feel.” We are not helpless creatures, but rather the contrary; and to believe we are bound by the first, likely irrational, emotional response to the incoherent and quite-nonsensical opinions of a 3-year-old is crazy talk.
My advice? Stop, put it into context and remember you are talking to an irrational 3-year-old. Time is a wonderful thing and your relationship will likely be completely different a year from now.
Can you share some tips on how to control the way you feel? What are some tips on how to always feel happy, for example? Thanks!
Logic, rationalization, context and time. And unless there is mental illness or abusive conditioning involved, logic and reasoning will prevail over thoughts and feelings (assuming we are talking about mature adults).
My boy yesterday felt it wasn’t fair that the Cancer kids at CHOC were getting free presents from the Police and he wasn’t. Did I feel that way? Of course not, why? Logic, Reasoning and an understanding of the context of the situation. I felt happy, he felt sad and slighted. That doesn’t just happen. We learn or don’t learn how to feel.
His context? Kids getting presents and not himself. No understanding whatsoever of the literally dire situation the poor children are in. His logic and reasoning? If they get presents, I should get presents. I could have felt the same way, but I have learned not to, just as he did yesterday.
Guess what we spend the next 10 minutes doing? Not feeling sad, but rather discussing the situation, why kids are at CHOC, what Cancer is, whether or not Santa visits hospitals, where the chimney is at the Hospital, etc. We ended the conversation with him asking how we could buy some kids some toys too. So I think he understood to some degree. Not sure I have to worry about him feeling slighted or sad that he didn’t get his share anymore.
Well articulated. My wife and I frequently have this conversation. Her point being “you can’t help the way you feel.” To which I usually respond, “yes, initially.”
Due to genetics and upbringing, we’re all wired certain ways. That said, after our initial “hard-wired” reaction, we can all put things into proper context with time. Not easy, but we can all do it.
I have a baby daughter whose very attached to me but she’s slowly warming up to her dad. Sometimes when she throws a tantrum and she can sense that I’m not happy about it, she would push me away and look for her dad. It’s very strange that such a small baby can have such a large personality! I’m not sure if she’ll be a daddy’s girl later, but I sure was one myself! :)
I’ve talked to so many parents about personality, and they have all said the personality their babies displayed stick with them through their entire lives!
I might be in trouble, because my boy is so determined and headstrong. For example, he would flail his arms and legs like he was galloping his his baby chair starting around 6 months!
I wonder how your husband feels? Can you ask him for me? thanks