The Biggest Flex By Men Is Not What You Think

“Flexing” is a slang term that means showing off or boasting about one's accomplishments, possessions, or skills, often with the intention of impressing others. For example, someone might “flex” on social media by posting pictures of their new Porsche or sharing stories about their achievements.

Personally, I'm not a fan of flexing—what’s the point? It often invites disdain from others. Instead, I prefer practicing stealth wealth and playing dumb, which helps minimize unwanted attention both online and offline. After a certain point, it’s better to blend into the crowd than stand out.

But as a man, I understand the desire to boast about our accomplishments because it's a competitive world. I've got to share some credentials on Financial Samurai, otherwise, who's going to bother taking me seriously?

Further, If nobody knows what you've achieved, life for you and your children may be much more difficult. In many ways, achieving a certain level of status is necessary for survival.

The Biggest Flex By Men Is Not What You Think

Some of you might think the following are the biggest flexes by men:

  • Driving a rare and expensive car you can actually get in and out of without your knees giving out.
  • Living in a mansion in an exclusive neighborhood surrounded by people who look and think like you.
  • Showing off six-pack abs like Luigi Mangione in your profile picture.
  • Having an extremely attractive spouse who makes you feel both proud and slightly insecure.
  • Flying first class or private while lecturing others about their carbon footprint.
  • Working from home in your pajamas and taking meetings from the pickleball court.
  • Running a sub-6-minute mile without needing a defibrillator afterward.
  • Winning an award for being awesome, handed out by the same circle of people who always give each other awards.
  • Speaking on national TV so often you can’t even eat a meal in public in peace.
  • Becoming a national bestselling author while struggling to care for your family.
  • Having a full head of hair with no gray strands at 50, defying the passage of time.
  • Earning a PhD from an Ivy League school just to make sure everyone calls you “Doctor.”

These things are nice to have, especially the six-pack abs when you're middle-aged. However, contrary to what I’m seeing on social media, these aren’t the biggest flexes.

Being FIRE (financially independent, retired early) became a flex—it’s hard to beat the appeal of no meetings and no boss. Time is more valuable than money, right?

However, the biggest and latest flex I’ve noticed is having a wife who doesn't need to work. To fully provide for your woman now seems like man’s greatest achievement according to social media. After all, if you truly love your wife, you would give her the gift of freedom.

Check out one example from TikTok.

It’s funny because, since 2010, I’ve been thinking the opposite: having a wife who fully provides for the man, while the man gets to twiddle his thumbs at home is the greatest flex!

Vote in my poll now or at the end of my argument to determine which is the bigger flex. There are many flexes, but I’m asking which of the only two choices you thing is bigger.

Which is a bigger flex by men?

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See past posts on this subject:

How To Convince Your Spouse To Work Longer So You Can Retire Earlier

My Secret To Retiring Early With $4 Million And Two Kids In An Expensive City

The Secret To Early Retirement Is So Simple And Logical (2010 publication!)

Why the Biggest Flex Is Having a Working Wife Take Care of You

Reflecting on my past posts, it’s clear that I’ve often considered flipping traditional gender roles and imagining a world where more women are the primary breadwinners. This idea initially took root around 2010 when I was burned out from work and eager to retire early. I yearned for relief from the relentless pressure of earning money.

However, the strongest catalyst for envisioning women as providers has been the profound influence of the successful women in my life.

Surrounded by Powerful Women

At Credit Suisse, my immediate Managing Director was Kathryn. She was nothing short of inspiring—promoted to MD in her mid-30s while raising three children. Kathryn’s ability to balance demanding clients and a thriving home life, all while remaining approachable, left a lasting impression. We still exchange holiday cards to this day.

Before Credit Suisse, I worked alongside Michele, a Managing Director on the Latin America desk at Goldman Sachs. She once reviewed and approved my request to trade options. Michele thrived at work for 32 years, becoming a Partner. To even get a job at Goldman, I had to pass the gatekeeper, Kim Purkiss, their lead recruiter who decided if I’d make it to Super Day interviews.

Before Wall Street, my aunt was a role model of achievement. With a BA from Brown University and a PhD in marine seismology from MIT, she now heads a scientific research department. She still travels the world, advancing her field and supporting her family.

And, of course, there’s my mother. She worked tirelessly in the U.S. State Department until she retired at 60, setting an example of dedication.

A Natural Conclusion

These women didn't need men to provide for them. They could easily stand on their own and provide for their men. My wife kept working for three years after I retired before joining me in 2015 at age 35. She didn’t rely on me financially for anything. In fact, for almost three years, I got on her work health insurance plan after my COBRA ran out. We were deliberate in planning out our future together as a team.

Surrounded by such driven and accomplished women, it felt natural to think that the ultimate flex is not driving a flashy car but being supported by a working wife. After all, if these remarkable women could excel so brilliantly in their careers, why not reimagine what partnership and support could look like? Their success was normalized in my mind at a young age, but the same is not true for everyone.

Being cared for by a successful woman while focusing on other pursuits—whether parenting, writing, sports hobbies, entrepreneurship or simply enjoying life—feels like a powerful paradigm shift. It’s not about shirking responsibility but rather embracing a modern partnership.

Mothers with children with working husband

Flipping Traditional Gender Roles Is the Bigger Flex

The idea of a husband not letting his wife work isn’t exactly groundbreaking—it’s been the traditional gender dynamic in families for generations.

Historically, when couples have children and one parent stays home, it’s more common for the husband to hold a paying job while the wife takes on the unpaid role of managing the household. This isn’t a controversial statement; it’s simply the way things have been for decades. Besides, being a stay-at-home parent for the first 5 years of a child’s life is way harder than most knowledge jobs!

If you attend a school event and chat with other parents, you’ll notice that families with a working husband and a stay-at-home mom are much more prevalent than the reverse. Because this setup remains so common, it doesn’t really stand out as a “flex.”

A much bigger flex is breaking away from these traditional norms. Having the wife as the sole breadwinner while the husband takes on the primary caregiving and household duties is more rare. It challenges conventional expectations and signals a rethinking of traditional roles.

Interestingly, while there’s been a gradual increase in stay-at-home dads in recent years, the percentage of mothers who stay at home remains roughly the same as it was in 1989. Due to these diverging trends, dads now represent 18% of stay-at-home parents, up from 11% in 1989. This shows that societal norms around parenting roles are slowly evolving.

Percentage share of dads are stay-at-home parents

More Men in the FIRE Movement Have Working Wives

Since helping to kickstart the modern-day FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) movement in 2009, I’ve noticed a growing trend: many men who claim to have achieved FIRE still have working wives. While some acknowledge their wives’ contributions, their roles often go unmentioned during podcast interviews or media features. Even more perplexing is why the host or journalist doesn’t ask about their wives’s significant contributions.

Why the omission?

If I had a working wife who earned an income and provided subsidized healthcare while I managed the household, I’d celebrate her! And if she were also a mother juggling career and parenthood, she’d deserve endless praise. Balancing a career with the demands of parenthood—especially during a child’s early years—is incredibly tough. Parental guilt often weighs heavily.

If you’re a stay-at-home husband or father, embrace it. You’ve won the lottery if your wife supports you financially. Don’t downplay her contributions—shine a spotlight on them! Acknowledge her efforts and achievements with pride.

Stay-at-Home Men Unite

Stay-at-home men, it’s time to challenge the stigma. There’s no need to downplay your role by claiming you’re “retired” when your wife’s paycheck is your passive income source. Own your position with pride.

By normalizing and embracing the role, you can inspire more men to pursue their desire to be household caretakers without feeling societal pressure. If women want to focus on their careers and financial independence, we should celebrate and support them.

It makes sense for women who aspire to long-term careers to support more men staying at home. Behind every working spouse is often an under-celebrated but vital partner managing the myriad tasks that come with raising a family.

What mothers do at home and the hours they spend

Support Women’s Financial Independence

Women are outpacing men in college enrollment and advancing in leadership roles across industries, government, and society. For a higher Return On Effort, it makes sense for more women to work longer and earn more money than men.

Importantly, more women than ever are financially independent—a trend we should encourage. As the saying goes: “A man is not a financial plan.”

As a father to a daughter, I hope she chases her professional dreams with vigor while also finding a loving partner. If that partner happens to be a responsible man who chooses to stay at home and raise their children, fantastic. It’s a team effort.

However, the role of a stay-at-home dad comes with responsibilities. If a man fails to pull his weight around the house or be an engaged father, the arrangement won’t fly. In such cases, I’d have a candid conversation with him—man-to-man—and remind him to honor his Provider’s Clock.

The percent of all college degrees held by females versus males 1968-2027

Men At Home Need To Be Careful Not to Take Things Too Far

Unfortunately, unflattering examples perpetuate stereotypes, hindering broader acceptance of this role.

If your wife loses respect for you, your marriage may begin to unravel. Not earning money for the household is fine, but a man must remain useful and find meaning in his role.

The “Loser” Husband Stereotype

Take the example of a 41-year-old man worth $2 million in liquid assets, generating $125,000 in passive income annually. Despite this financial contribution, his wife called him a “loser” after he retired. This is the kind of story that damages the perception of stay-at-home husbands or boyfriends.

My FIRE journey - Wife called me a "loser"

If he’s spending his days getting stoned and playing video games with friends, it’s no wonder his wife feels frustrated. Yet, consider his backstory: he spent 18–23 years working after high school or college to amass his/their wealth. He has every right to kick back and relax for a year or two after retiring early.

Still, staying idle indefinitely isn’t the answer. Instead, he could focus on meaningful pursuits, whether managing the household, volunteering, or working on a different hobby besides video games. Heck, he could even flex to his friends how his wife supports him—though the reality is that his financial contributions play a significant role in their household stability.

By reframing the narrative around stay-at-home men and rejecting the “loser” stereotype, we can create more acceptance and respect for men who choose this path. But men must also step up to demonstrate the value they bring to their families and relationships.

Let’s Normalize Stay-At-Home Men

Society often expects men to be breadwinners, excel professionally, contribute to chores, and sacrifice time with their children. These pressures lead to stress and burnout, leaving less room for fulfillment.

Many men would gladly embrace the role of stay-at-home dads, allowing their partners to focus on careers. Normalizing this choice dismantles outdated gender roles and creates healthier, more balanced households.

Let’s build a world where roles are based on individual strengths and preferences, free from societal judgment. Happier families and true gender equity start with embracing these shifts.

Which is a bigger flex by men?

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Related post: How To Get Your Parents To Pay For Everything As An Adult Child

Readers, what do you think is the bigger flex for men: supporting their wives so they don’t have to work, or not having to work because their wives are the primary providers? If you believe there’s a stigma against stay-at-home men, how can we work together to eliminate it? Can you respect a stay-at-home man who isn't productive and mainly just consumes?

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That's Just Me
That's Just Me
1 month ago

As a successful woman, I don’t want to be taken care of like a pet by a man. I was married to a guy who wanted exactly that and I was suffocated. I think the big flex is being able to travel freely together and work on projects that light you both up.

Todd
Todd
1 month ago

My wife and I have been married 30 years. We started a business together when we were first married and started a family. She “hasn’t worked” since 1998 with the birth of our first son. Since then she raised 5 children, homeschooled all of them through graduation and supported me in our business, which we sold to private equity 2 years ago. Ready to retire soon at around 60 with zero financial worries. Could not have done that without her by my side.

Geoffrey Beardall
Geoffrey Beardall
1 month ago

We (especially those in states like CA) are constantly told there are countless people out there not doing what they really want to do because they are suppressed by societal expectations. Nah. There is the truth that people are generally tolerant of choices and behavior that isn’t harmful or too weird. Come on, if a few guys decide they would be more fulfilled being a stay at home dad, fine who cares. If women want to focus on their career and not be the primary care giver, fine who cares. There is also the truth of human nature. Women are naturally more disposed to be the primary care giver and men are naturally more disposed to compete and succeed at a job not as the primary care giver. There is no sinister old-fashioned patriarchal conspiracy to shame men and women into either choice.

Some one
Some one
1 month ago

No self respecting man would sit at home and change diapers while his wife is out everyday earning. Thats just fundamentally lacking in basic honor. She is vert likely to find herself an actual man outside who is not leeching off the income of his wife while staying home watching Barney with the kids.

Chris
Chris
1 month ago

No, it’s not. (Just sayin).

He would be failing at his biological, intellectual and emotional duties on this planet.

Further, I doubt that example actually exists as these two primary goals (amassing wealth and being the primary parent to children) are diametrically opposed. Not saying it is not possible, just not likely.

I love my adult kids and enjoyed helping raise and teach them about life but had no interest in devoting my entire life to them at any stage. Frankly, I don’t think that is healthy for either parents nor the kids. Very glad however that I found a partner who desired and wanted a role closer to that. Our lives are great because of our partnership.

SoCal dude
SoCal dude
1 month ago

It’s a modern world and partnerships should modernize.

I’ve been a provider most of my life – not just to my now wife (we have been together 13+ years) but also prior to my parents/siblings. I’ve seen her through med school and residency and put in crazy work since I was in HS.

I’ve been going through a tough patch with my business since mid 2023 (at that point – I was not paid on a large invoice and it wiped out all my profit in 2023). My income, outside of my passive income, is literally 0 because while my business generates a 7 figure gross profit a year, I can’t seem to get it profitable again yet. I’ve made 7 figures a year net to me personally most of my life since 21, saved a solid portion of it, and thoughtfully invested it. The passive income is significant, though not as high as my wife’s income as an MD who earns 500k a year.

Her income has been such a blessing for us. I’m proud and grateful to her because this allows me to stay focused without being forced to make any rash decisions. I’m not a future SAH dad or someone who considers himself FIRE – I’m just in a weird place. It’s very nice to have a partner who can do this.

All this said, thanks to our passive income, she was able to go to 0.8 FTE a few months ago. In a few years, she should be able to go to 0.5 FTE for best of both worlds which is her ideal. Not working is not interesting to either of us. She could technically do that now, but tbh she wants a house 2x the price of our current home, we live in SoCal, and I need some time to figure things out with my active income. I think I’m going to sell my business to a strategic and leap into the unknown to see what else is out there for me. I’m a lifelong learner and quite excited to pursue a new path, which I can do thanks to her active income combined with my passive income.

The reality is, without each other, neither of us could have the life we have today. That’s icing on the relationship cake, as our foundation, mutual friendship, and love is strong.

Tom
Tom
1 month ago

At the time I voted, I was surprised to see 62% of FS readers voted that the bigger flex was dude providing for a woman. Maybe I was just surprised more people didn’t have my perspective…which is kinda what this article is about, eh? As a kept man in my 50s, I’m flexing my not-sixpack (ok, maybe 4 in good light) while pointing at my wife!

After over a year of me blissfully drifting through time while my wife works and I don’t, we both still have fun with me introducing her as my sugar mama. We’ve given up trying to explain ourselves to the confused, slightly disgusted faces people usually make when they hear my wife is working and I’m not, so we just smile and change the topic of conversation.

The global social norm has been for the man to be the hunter-killer and wife to manage the home and kids. Zog kill, Zog drag bloody carcass to female, female make fire, feed Zog, feed little Zogs, Zog go back out find more meat.

As I’m typing this, I’m eating a delightful sandwich my wife made before she went to the store to get more food. Zog eat, Zog mate go hunt-kill, Zog comment on FS and try to fix Christmas ornament he broke while Zog mate hunt.

Times have changed. Have we? My wife can make money pushing buttons in the comfort of our spacious cave. Ain’t no need for either of us to wrestle wildebeests so Zog & mate can have a sandwich.

I respect my wife’s choices and she respects mine. She’s working because that’s what she wants right now, and I’m not because that’s what I want right now. We discuss our choices, listen to each other, support each other, and try to adjust our plans and care for each other as our lives and needs change over time.

I wouldn’t be with a woman who thought the only right way to live was me working and her not working. But hey, that’s just me. If others are comfortable with something different, live it! I’m happy for you if you are content and you don’t need to hurt me to be happy.

As Rodney King once said, “We’re all stuck here for a while, you know, let’s try to work it out.”

ben
ben
1 month ago

I’m all for women being the primary breadwinner.

Can you figure out a way, however, to get them sexually attracted to men who make much less money?

And that’s the problem – women won’t pursue romance if a man doesn’t live up to our culture’s expectations of ‘bringing home the bacon”

And for many men, what’s the point of working 60 hours a week if not for a woman’s attention? As women are only attracted to fewer and fewer men, more men will pull back.

The only win here is for men when their wives divorce them, maybe we’ll eventually see a male Mackenzie Scott..

HVJ
HVJ
1 month ago

I second this. Being financially stable on my own has always been a priority for me, as I’ve seen what can happen to women who rely on others without a backup plan. As a result, I accumulated a high net worth and because I didn’t need someone else to provide financial security for me, the things that were most important for me in a partner were kindness to others, intelligence, work ethic/drive (not determined by actual pay), and love of travel. We are a team and we each bring different strengths to the relationship.

letro
letro
1 month ago

We worked as a team of two for 6 years dating and 46 years married.
Some observations and perhaps useful practices:
Keep people out of your home including family !
Max visit 4 hours and we are taking visitors out to lunch.
If family says we want to visit overnight ask their prefered hotel and book it.
Keep your life private, period !
Shut down unsolicited opinions !
Never discuss health, money, msm nonsense and your careers.
I notice my nieces and nephews age range 23 to 43 are following some of these ideas.
NOTICE married 46 years.
We enjoyed our careers WIfe OBGYN and Husband scientist.
Keep Smiling and Happy Solstice.

Blackvorte
Blackvorte
1 month ago

Biggest flex is children isn’t it? Either you have enough $ for a spouse to be home or you can afford high priced childcare

George
George
22 days ago
Reply to  Blackvorte

It sounds like you are saying the biggest flex is “affording” children. If that is what you mean, then no. If you want to flex related to your children then let’s assess when they are 30 years old and we can determine how much of a flex is deserved.

lisa corbett
lisa corbett
1 month ago

I believe the best flex is to do away with expected “marriage” right off the bat. I realize men’s egos would be smashed in most cases but most of my girlfriends around 65 years old, found they were financially stunted by their husbands. I have 3 million in real estate (not nearly as much as many who visit your site) and most guys I know are puffing up with wonderful stock gains or knocking on my door when the market dips! hahaha!
I wonder what the stats are on motivated women vs men these days. I feel women could be catching up in wealth pretty quickly if not already there. I graduated in 1982 so your chart shows as one of the women at the beginning of “the climb!” So PROUD!

I forgot to say – I’ve never been married. I guess I’ve watched way too many episodes of “Meet. Marry, Murder.” ha ha!

E L M
E L M
1 month ago

The biggest flex is options. Spouse worked hard, and then couldn’t. (Parkinsons). I was the stay at home parent. Someone had to be flexible with 4 kids and a house. I had more education, and am more detail oriented. Spouse had a staff, and had me for payroll, planning and emergency staffing. I still stick to details (like meds, money and tax) now that we are retired.

Joe
Joe
1 month ago

Agree about this being the bigger flex. Gonna test out reactions to this in 2025 in a small way; was granted a sabbatical after reading your Engineering Your Layoff book. We have a toddler so I am looking forward to odd stares at 11am on a Tuesday from people who think I should be at work.

WZ
WZ
2 months ago

The biggest flex is freedom. I’m not about caring what other people think. I do, however, like that I can do, or not do. Go, or not go. No one owns any of my time. And no one owns my wife’s. Freedom is the flex.

Liam
Liam
2 months ago
Reply to  WZ

Amen. I didn’t create wealth so I could have even more obligations/expectations put onto me by others. That’s too close to “crabs-in-a-bucket” thinking.

Will
Will
1 month ago
Reply to  WZ

Yes, freedom is the goal and the ultimate flex. People really get puzzled and confused when they find out I don’t have to work anymore. They make weird comments and they ask how my investments are doing, then I laugh and tell them my investments are doing awesome! Again they look at me puzzled.

They think that I am lying or playing some kind of game because they can’t imagine a person like me, just an ordinary guy with an old car could just quit work and not go to another job anymore. Most Americans are so deep in debt for mortgages, cars, vacations etc they cannot imagine the other scenario where instead of paying interest we get paid in interest from various investments. That is the ultimate flex that really confuses people.

I am not married and don’t plan to be so this article doesn’t really apply to my situation, but I worked hard for almost 20 years to buy time and owning my time is the ultimate flex ever and one that I cherish everyday!

letro
letro
1 month ago
Reply to  WZ

Yes I remember a power company class on the most important “thing” in life. This was two days of question answer & exercises. I raised hand one hour in to be respectful and said FREEDOM.

Andy
Andy
2 months ago

Yeah, sorry but I am on the side of traditional gender roles. The biggest flex for a man is to provide and take care of family and work hard to be a good role model.

Everyone is touting how wonderful it is for women to do it all, for example be a surgeon and a scientist AND be a mom taking care of kids. (Which I have seen) Or be a CEO or CFO, and be a Mom taking care of kids. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely fine with anyone or any woman who wants to do that (In fact I hired a woman to be a CEO). But ultimately no one can do everything and have 2 or 3 jobs and do them all well. Women do need to take time for childbearing which can impact work. Also all those who are pushing women to do all these things may not realize the immense pressure it puts on women to do even more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman or ‘traditional’ wife who wants to raise a family and take care of kids and household full time. In fact that is a beautiful thing and can provide immense satisfaction for women who are naturally more nurturing on average compared to men.

People can try to deny the natural differences between man and woman and pretend that no differences exist, but it is laughable to not acknowledge the natural differences between the sexes. Why are 95% of construction workers men? Why are 85% of nurses women? Are these horrible discriminations that have prevailed over years? Should we get women lifting crates and plywood and tile and pouring asphalt would that make everyone on the left happy? Should we also start a program to recruit men to be nurses and take care of newborns in nurseries?

The sooner we come back to reality and acknowledge that there are real differences between sexes and those biological differences result in different predilections for work and family responsibilities the happier we will be. Of course everything in populations is a histogram or bell curve, so some women will be wired to work and grind full time and that is awesome.. but on average most women want a man to provide.

Andy
Andy
2 months ago

I work full time, wife works part time, we have 2 children

Rising Timber
Rising Timber
2 months ago
Reply to  Andy

I don’t disagree with the biological differences and desires between men and women. But there’s a clear distinction between a man providing and a man bringing home a paycheck. A paycheck can be one example of a way of providing, but our modern day societal norms frame it as the most important, if not the only way for a man to provide. And that’s a a disservice.

And if we’re talking biology, is a woman more attracted to a man who sits in an an air conditioned office all day writing software code and making $350K, or a stay at home dad who teaches his sons to remodel their home, who takes them hunting and teaches them to track, harvest, and butcher an elk, and who provides a years supply of meat for their family?

My only point is, our society puts far too much emphasis on paychecks, and not enough emphasis on the other ways a man can provide for his family.

Andy
Andy
2 months ago
Reply to  Rising Timber

Totally agree man, there are many ways that men can provide. There is the saying ‘bringing home the bacon’ which usually refers to money, but it could literally be bacon or ‘putting food on the table’. A farmer or hunter providing food for family is an amazing way to provide. A man could also provide saftey and protection which is another great way to provide. Certainly doesn’t need to be financial depending on living situation.

I always like to relate to analogies in animal kingdom (because I think we are driven by animal instincts much more than we would like to believe). In a pride of lions, the females many times go on the hunt, and the male lion king may not even hunt, but he provides safety, intimidation, and protection for the pride. On the other hand and very interestingly many birds mate for life with one mate. There was a great streaming cam of two nesting bald eagles earlier this year. While the female eagle was keeping the eggs warm for 24 hours during a long snowstorm the male eagle went out and brought her back a fish and left it for her to eat. Pretty sure she felt provided for at that time, which links up with love and likely why they have been a pair for many many years.

Finding harmony is key and there are many different balances and situations, but I think both partners need to feel they are benefiting in some way and satisfying some instinctual needs in order to have a lasting relationship.

CMAC
CMAC
1 month ago
Reply to  Andy

In my 20 years practicing medicine, I’ve worked with many male nurses who were just as empathetic and compassionate as the females nurses. I’ve worked with other medical providers of differing sex, race, and creeds and they were equally excellent. We are all products of our environment and products of the generation we grew up in. However, some of us lack the neuroplasticity to adapt to changing times and end up yelling at the clouds in their twighlight.

Andy
Andy
1 month ago
Reply to  CMAC

I never said male nurses weren’t empathetic, it’s just that women prefer nursing on average more than men, are you disputing that? Ever ask yourself why that is?

Who said anything about race and creed? Why bring that up even? Yeah I guess its just me who is yelling at the clouds and not the other 77M people who voted republican in large part because we were tired of Woke ideology of thinking that every single person of every sex, race, and creed are all the same and everyone is equally excellent. From the homeless felon drug addict to the top neurosurgeon, they are equally excellent right?

Yes times have changed, maybe you should use some of your great neuroplasticity to adapt to the current change returning to a meritocracy, hiring and promoting people for their qualifications and merits, not their race and gender…

BonjourHi
BonjourHi
2 months ago

Your point on “Six Pack” and “Running” may come from a trend or advice that tells men to include “going to the gym” as a hobby to attract women. I am a heterosexual woman and found this trend unsettling: The men may not be that interested in exercising, but they blindly followed the advice solely to talk to the opposite sex.

On flashy cars: I’d say that if men does not make a huge deal on the fancy ride, it may be ok. I don’t want to oppose to people driving fancier cars than I do.

EMMANUEL ELIJAH
EMMANUEL ELIJAH
2 months ago

Absolutely spot on! And here’s a thought: what if these stereotypes aren’t just social constructs but also deeply tied to how industries market and profit? For instance, the ‘strong provider’ male stereotype feeds into industries like finance and life insurance, while the ‘nurturing caretaker’ female stereotype fuels the childcare and beauty sectors. Are we embracing these roles, or are we just being sold a carefully curated version of them?

EMMANUEL ELIJAH
EMMANUEL ELIJAH
2 months ago

True

EMMANUEL ELIJAH
EMMANUEL ELIJAH
2 months ago

Totally agree stereotypes can be real obstacle to progress. But don’t you think that breaking out of them sometimes requires a bit of a push from society? Like, wouldn’t policies or incentives help balance the scales when certain roles are still as of-limits for some people? Just curious how far you think we should go to challenge those norms!

Canadian Reader
Canadian Reader
2 months ago

This reminds me of the “soft girl” trend I recently read about.
I’m not sure what the answer is in terms of the bigger flex, but being married to a husband who has always taken amazing care of our family, I’m motivated to compete with him by also earning money and putting a lot of effort into our community/house/ parenting. I’m working harder than ever on all fronts to remain a viable, attractive spouse. I’m not really sure if relaxing and doing nothing is possible if you have kids because they watch everything we do and we are their main teachers.
If we didn’t have kids, I would sit and do nothing! Haha

Kate
Kate
2 months ago

Great article Sam! I think the biggest flex is both spouses being financially free and having options to do whatever they want. That could be work or no work at all. Important to have the other spouse respect that decision and be cool with it. You want to play pickleball all day great! I am going to work in a local business because it gives me a sense of meaning.. excellent! Whatever floats your boat.

really enjoyed this one, and reading other people’s comments too.

Rising Timber
Rising Timber
2 months ago
Reply to  Kate

This.

I fell in love with my wife because she had the ambition to pursue the life that she wanted, and she offered the support for me to pursue the life I wanted. We’re equally involved in our finances, in parenting, and in homeschooling our kids. We would each be happy and successful individually, which is what makes us so great together.

Life is too short and too precious to live by societal norms. Question every one of them, especially the most pervasive. And then decide what’s best for you.

David
David
2 months ago

Whenever you can live comfortably on a single income it’s a flex, regardless of who earns it. As for normalizing stay-at-home-dads, I’m not sure what you’re going on about. I’ve got 2 friends whose wives are the breadwinners by a large margin (specialist doctor, Big Law partner). The pressure “to be the provider” comes from women, not other men, so you’re preaching to the choir here. If you follow the marriage statistics, a key driver for women filing for divorce is earning more than their male partner. If there is any stigma, that is why.

David
David
2 months ago

Are men voting that way because they care if a man works or doesn’t, or is it because they know they need to provide to keep their wife from leaving them eventually? Big difference.

David
David
2 months ago

I voted to be provider. In my experience, which is validated further by endless dating-related TikTok videos from women, they want men that earn more than they do, regardless of their own income level. And since women ultimately choose who they will be with and who they will stay with, it’s up to men to adapt to their desires. Things are changing though. They definitely want men that will share in the indoor household chores and be more hands-on with child-rearing than in the past, but they still want that higher earner. I’ll leave it there. Thanks.

Yetisaurus
Yetisaurus
2 months ago

Sam, you did a good job of walking through some of the nuances with this. It’s a nice flex by either spouse to provide for the other, but it’s mandatory in my view that the non-working spouse carry their weight around the house, and that the earning spouse not use their breadwinner status to control the non-working spouse.

The stereotypes of male/female roles drive me bonkers on this. I have no problem with a stay at home dad so long as they’re actually doing the same things that a “traditional” wife/SAHM mom would. I think some men fail to pick up that mantle and some women fail to recognize that men can fill those roles and not be “losers.” We can all do better on that.

Jamie
Jamie
2 months ago

Leave it to Sam to take an unexpected viewpoint. I agree that dynamic may work well for some families. But, we’re all so incredibly different and each family has to determine what works best for them. That was the major advice my brother gave me when I first became a dad. I had tons of questions for him, but he kept saying every family is different-you have to figure out what works best for you. It annoyed me at the time because I wanted concrete answers on everything related to parenting. But as any experienced parent can tell you, nothing is concrete when it comes to families and raising kids, and I get that now.

And as a side not, although I am in the minority, I strongly dislike apps like TikTok. I think they are brainwashing our youth and contributing to the mental health crisis. And what the heck is that weird thing on that guys beard? I can’t take any “influencer” seriously.

Mitch
Mitch
2 months ago

Funny opening and good to throw out a contrarian view. But I kept waiting for you to say something complimentary about your own wife, in any type of capacity. She may feel snubbed for not making your list of inspiring women and also not being complimented for her current contributions if she reads this. Maybe you can sneak something in and delete this.

I do hear your points and can certainly see why the other women you mentioned were inspiring to you. But I’m just sayin’. My wife would kick my a— if I didn’t compliment her and then said something like I wanted her to take on a ton of responsibility so I could slack off. I’d be in the dog house.

Phil
Phil
2 months ago
Reply to  Mitch

Mitch, the best way to not to be afraid of your wife is to provide so much and so well a life that she could never criticize you for not giving her a compliment.

You can do it fellow King!

MB
MB
2 months ago

The biggest flex is to know your strengths and have options. My husband is a teacher and stayed home when our daughter was a baby. I have zero patience for kids. That was the right decision for our family. We’ve both worked enough and prioritized experiences over accumulating stuff. Now have the option to retire, downshift or do something meaningful in our 50s. My husband will retire from teaching. I will still work because I’m wired that way, but I’m choosing more meaningful work. The flex is having options– no matter what your gender or what society tells you.

Nathan
Nathan
2 months ago

I think there is a huge difference from being a retired millionaire who still pays the bills and being taken care of. Most career minded woman still have a very successful man. I fear there might be some set up for failure here telling men to be a proud staying at home w/ no income. Hypergamy is real.

Pete
Pete
2 months ago

I don’t think there’s a faster way to lose the respect of your wife than to be a stay at home dad while she works and assumes your role. It’s in the DNA of most men to protect, provide, and lead their family. Likewise, it’s in the DNA of most women to want to be a mom and the traditional responsibilities associated with being a mom. I don’t think this is ground breaking analysis, it simply conforms to the nature of men and women. I’d obviously disagree that being a stay at home dad is the biggest flex, but thought provoking as always.

Rob
Rob
2 months ago
Reply to  Pete

Couldn’t agree more with Pete. In summary, hypergamy.

Yetisaurus
Yetisaurus
2 months ago
Reply to  Pete

I could not disagree more about it being in men’s/women’s DNA. Societal expectations, yes. And unfortunately, it’s difficult to shed those norms once they’ve been so fully baked in.

HVJ
HVJ
2 months ago
Reply to  Yetisaurus

You nailed it. To me, the biggest flex is having the strength and conviction to choose the path that is right for you, regardless of ‘traditional’ norms, and excelling it. Not everyone wants the white picket house and 2.5 kids, but unfortunately too many choose that route out of familial or societal pressures. And men who refer to ‘most women’ wanting to only be a mom and housewife are likely basing that opinion on a time when women didn’t have many options otherwise (which wasn’t all that long ago).

Rising Timber
Rising Timber
2 months ago
Reply to  Pete

I don’t disagree with your DNA comments, but I’ll add that providing, protecting, and leading go far beyond earning a paycheck. Providing is also about presence as a father, not absence 40+ hours a week. It’s also physical and emotional support while nurturing a strong home. Protecting means safeguarding your family’s well-being, not just finances. Leading is setting an example of resilience and values, not clinging to outdated roles.

Being a stay-at-home dad doesn’t strip a man of these traits. In fact I’ve seen more examples of exactly the opposite, with many men who hide behind their paychecks as an excuse for not being a present, involved father.