When my son was born in April 2017, I promised to become a full-time father until he turned five. I was so serious about this commitment that I sold our largest rental property to free up time. This property was supposed to be our crown jewel for my wife and my retirement plans. However, something had to give.
When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the same promise to remain a full-time father until she turned five. Hooray for equality! That time is soon coming as she finally begins full-time school in September 2024. As I anticipate the transition from full-time to part-time fatherhood, I wanted to reflect on what it has been like being a full-time father for over seven years.
But first, some clarification on the difference between being a full-time versus part-time father.
The Definitions of Full-Time versus Part-Time Fatherhood
First of all, fathers will always be fathers, no matter what. However, just like with work, some fathers work part-time, and others work full-time. There is a spectrum of how we allocate our time to various responsibilities.
My definition of full-time fatherhood is when a father spends more time taking care of his children than he does on his job or other activities. For example, if a father spends 40 hours a week taking care of his three-year-old and 20 hours a week driving for Uber after his son goes to sleep, he is a full-time father. This father spends 60 hours a week between fatherhood and side hustling.
Conversely, a part-time father is a dad who spends more time on his job or other activities than on taking care of his kids. He might work 40 hours a week at an office job and then spend 2 hours with his kids after work and 15 hours a week with them on the weekend, for a total of 25 hours a week of child time. That's a long 65 hours a week of work and childcare for this dad!
Both Types Of Fathers Can Be Great
Based on these two examples, it's clear both fathers are doing a lot of work to care for their children and earn income. All fathers have what's called a Provider's Clock, where they are conditioned to provide to varying degrees.
It is also clear that being a part-time father is not a negative. Most dads work full-time to take care of their family. Meanwhile, spending 25 hours a week with their children is much more than the average dad in America spends with his children each week (~10 hours).
Obviously, if you're a physically and mentally able father who doesn't work much and doesn't spend time with your kids, that will probably be viewed negatively. However, I don't believe any father reading this site would choose to shirk both work and childcare responsibilities.
When you choose to be a father, you also choose to take on the vast responsibility of fatherhood. At the very least, all fathers will choose to go all-in on their work at the cost of spending time with their kids, or go all-in on childcare at the cost of making money. Both options may engender dad guilt as the father tries to find an ideal balance.
Main Goal: To Give Men Permission To Be Full-Time Fathers
I know there are men out there who have considered being full-time fathers but are nervous about the transition due to financial worries and societal judgment. My goal is to give men permission and confidence to be full-time fathers if they want to.
Just look at this chart from the U.S. Census Bureau that shows only about 2% of fathers are stay-at-home dads compared to about 23% of women who are stay-at-home mothers.
I'm positive if fathers felt less financial pressure to provide and society was more accepting of full-time fathers, the percentage would be much closer to the percentage of women who are full-time mothers.
Be Who You Want To Be To Feel Whole
Times are changing, with more women attending college than men and more women earning higher salaries than men. Yet, partly because of the male ego, the number of full-time fathers has barely budged since 1994. Men still feel embarrassed to be labeled as having the hardest job in the world.
This lack of self-confidence is why you see men who proclaim FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) but never mention their working wives who provide income, retirement benefits, and health benefits. There is also a great fear of letting their wives stop working, given the financial implications.
Pretending to be something you're not is a sad way to live. Being able to speak your mind and be who you want to be are some of the most powerful benefits of financial independence. This freedom to live one's true self is also one of the best reasons for living in San Francisco, where there is a greater acceptance of people of all types.
Reflections on Being a Full-Time Father
For any current or future fathers considering staying at home to raise their kids, let me share some perspective on how you might feel as a full-time father during the first three years of your child's life.
I use the three-year mark because most families have the option of sending their kids to preschool by then, although daycare is also a common childcare option.
For most daycare centers, infants can start as young as six weeks. However, more time allows for the establishment of a secure attachment with your child, complete healing of the umbilical cord, figuring out feeding and sleep patterns, developing a stronger immune system, and adjusting to a new life together.
1) There is no harder job than full-time parenthood
If you're a new dad, the challenges can be overwhelming. From bottle-feeding and diaper changes to burping, napping, and constant dishwashing, raising a baby keeps you busy. The first year might also be sleep-deprived as your little one wakes up every two to four hours.
When I worked in banking, the hours were long and the stress was immense. However, there were always breaks where I could unwind over coffee, a meal, or a business trip. Attending conferences overseas was so much fun! Despite working ~60 hours a week, that still left 108 hours to sleep and do whatever.
In full-time fatherhood, the hours can often reach 12-14 hours a day, or 84-98 hours a week during the initial years. You can try to nap when your little one is sleeping, but there is no guarantee you'll be able to sleep.
Meanwhile, the cost of looking away for more than three seconds could result in injury or worse for your child. From the paranoia of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) to drowning to slipping and bashing their heads on a table's sharp edge, the stakes are much higher for a full-time parent if they aren't doing their job.
If I miss a phone call from a large client, no big deal. I can always call my client back or email them. But there might not be any way back if you look away from a child.
Prepare for your limits to be tested repeatedly
If you want to be a full-time father, you must mentally and physically prepare for the ultimate challenge. Read as many books as you can about parenthood. Learn parenting techniques that require patience, understanding, and love. Get in the best shape of your life to keep up with your children's endless energy.
The first three years will push you to your limits. We’re talking potentially 6 am – 9:30 pm almost every day. You will hear screaming, crying, and whining multiple times a day for over 1,000 days in a row. As a result, your nerves will fry. Get noise-canceling headphones to help you survive your days!
2) You will have a harder time fitting in and feeling welcome
When you take your little one to the playground on weekdays, you will likely be the only dad among a majority of moms and nannies. Based on my observations in San Francisco, roughly 40% of the primary caregivers are moms, 55% are nannies or au pairs, and 5% are dads.
When the women are chatting about feeding and and other childcare topics, you will likely not be included. Hence, you will have to make an effort to get to know the other moms, nannies, and au pairs if you're looking to make friends. As your kid grows older, you'll see them regularly due to weekly classes. Hence, it'd be nice to get to know them somewhat.
If you attend any Dad's Night Out events, you may also feel embarrassed initially. While other dads discuss their careers and business trips, talking about your day with your children might feel awkward. Despite changing gender roles, there's an ongoing machismo among dads that may make you feel uncomfortable.
You can either lean into your full-time fatherhood role or mention other work endeavors you are pursuing. As a father, you can't talk about playing pickleball all day, as some moms proudly do. Instead, you must discuss some activity that provides value to society and earns money.
Took a while to be comfortable owning my status as a stay-at-home dad
For me, once my son started attending preschool full-time at age four in 2021, I told people I was a writer since I was working on Buy This, Not That. I could have said I was a full-time father, but I did not partly because I wanted to better fit in. I also didn't want to make dads feel awkward for being part-time fathers.
Luckily, after about a year of being a stay-at-home dad, your confidence will grow. Instead of feeling out of place, you'll embrace your role as a primary caregiver more strongly. As you wait for your confidence to grow, be proud of your status as a stay-at-home dad. Caring full-time for a vulnerable little one is a noble thing to do.
3) You'll long to return to work for a break from full-time fatherhood
With no direct income coming in for your labor as a full-time father, you may feel more stressed at times, especially if your wife doesn't earn much or doesn't work.
As a result, you'll frequently ask yourself when you should return to work. You'll do the math regarding the cost of daycare/preschool versus the cost of not working in your career.
The temptation to earn while you are still relatively young will likely overwhelm your desire to remain a full-time father, so you will likely transition to part-time fatherhood once your child turns three.
At three years old, you may gleefully or reluctantly start sending your kid to preschool full-time. If you only have one child, you will then feel a strong responsibility to go back to work and earn again, even if your wife is working.
However, if you have multiple children, you will naturally want to offer the same amount of childcare as you did for your first child, if possible. Hence, with two children, you may end up gutting it out as a full-time father for six years. With three children, your full-time fatherhood role may extend to nine years.
After nine years of being a full-time father, you will have a difficult time going back to work that pays you a similar salary to the one you left.
4) You will often feel like you're not doing enough as a full-time father
One of the most frustrating things about full-time fatherhood is that no matter how much you do, you will often feel like you're not doing enough. I'm sure full-time mothers feel the same way, as there is an endless amount of providing to do.
For the first two years of your child's life, you may feel like second fiddle to their mother. This may be true no matter how much time you spend with them. There's something about growing a child in your womb for nine months and birthing a child that creates an unbreakable bond between mother and child.
You'll feel daggers in your heart when your children choose to play with their mother over you. The more time you spend with your children, the more the rejection will hurt.
Thankfully, after our kids turned three-and-a-half, there was more of a balance of affection. So for full-time fathers out there who feel unloved on occasion, keep the faith that things will get better.
Your wife or partner won't always feel relief or happiness
In your unique situation as a full-time father, you may often feel like you're doing more than your fair share of childcare compared to other fathers. As a result, you might expect your wife or partner to feel happier and less stressed than other mothers.
Unfortunately, your wife or partner will still feel unhappy or stressed on occasion because there are endless childcare tasks she also needs to handle. If she also has a full-time job, her stress will persist since it's hard not to bring work home. Her unhappiness and stress will bum you out because you hoped to relieve her from such burdens as a full-time father.
Additionally, your wife or partner may only know what it's like to have a full-time father as a husband or partner and nothing else. Therefore, she may not appreciate your efforts as much as you expect, leading to mismatched expectations and potential conflict.
Full-time fathers must lower their expectations and remind themselves that being a father is a duty that doesn't deserve special recognition. After all, they chose to be a father.
More importantly, full-time fathers may consistently overestimate how much they actually do. This overestimation of care was my biggest blind spot as a father.
Despite being a stay-at-home dad, my wife still does way more than I do. I have the luxury of not having to handle nights, which is a blessing because our kids are terrible sleepers. When I want to nap after lunch, I can, because my wife is always home. Additionally, we had the tremendous help of Silvia, our au pair, during the pandemic.
5) Witnessing your child's milestones will make your efforts feel worth it
At this point, you might think being a full-time father sounds like too much work. Thankfully, witnessing all your child's development milestones is the greatest return of all.
You will witness everything from your baby's first babble to their first rollover. Amazing! Then, around eight months old, you'll be so proud when your child finally sits up on their own. At around ten months old, nothing will be as exhilarating as seeing your almost-toddler crawl to you for the first time. And then, when they stand at around the one-year mark and start cruising along the sofa, you will have the biggest proud dad moment ever.
Each milestone you witness will erase your doubts about giving up your career and income. After about ten sessions of trying to teach my son how to bike, hearing him scream with joy, “I can do it!” was priceless. The amount of satisfaction I felt seeing his triumph was worth more than any year-end bonus I made on Wall Street.
Now imagine during bedtime when your child, out of the blue, says, “Thanks for spending the day with me, Daddy. I love you.” That's when you feel a wholesome type of priceless love.
If You Want To Be A Full-Time Father, Try It Out
Embracing the role of a full-time father comes with its fair share of challenges, but you'll likely find it a rewarding decision.
Yes, your family will probably have less money with one less working partner. Yes, you will also lose status and prestige given society sadly doesn’t quite yet respect male caretakers.
I gave up many income opportunities to stay at home. We also got rejected from six out of seven preschools we applied to. That was a huge wake up call not to fall too far down the status ladder. At the same time, I found ways to generate supplemental income through Financial Samurai and write a WSJ bestselling book. You will find a way to earn and grow if you need to.
For older parents, becoming a full-time father is also a great way to make up for lost time. One of my biggest regrets was having kids late. By spending more time with them before they leave the house, you can compensate for your late start.
Sometime around ages 10-12, you'll no longer be their superhero as they'll prefer to spend time with friends. Therefore, you have about 10-12 years to be a full-time father before this opportunity fades away.
If Full-Time Fatherhood Is Not For You
If you decide during your journey that full-time fatherhood is not for you, you can always transition back to being a part-time father. Being away from the workforce for one to three years isn't too long, considering that many employees return to graduate school for two years and often come back with higher-paying jobs.
This mindset also gave me the courage to retire early in 2012 at 34. I reasoned that if early retirement didn't suit me or if I needed the income, I could have easily found another job at age 35, 36, or 37.
With the rise of consulting opportunities, you can gradually shift more of your waking hours toward work and less toward childcare as your children grow older.
For instance, once my daughter started attending preschool three days a week in fall 2023, I devoted more time to writing for Financial Samurai and completing my second book with Portfolio Penguin.
The Satisfaction That You Tried
Unfortunately, you are unlikely to feel happier as a full-time father due to the amount of work, stress, second-guessing, and patience involved! However, once your kids attend school full-time, you will feel satisfied knowing you tried your best.
In addition, how cool it is that your wife can never criticize you for not being there for the kids or doing enough around the household for the rest of your life! Whoo hoo!
Our children will one day go off on their own, leaving us to ponder how quickly time flew by. Hopefully, one day as adults, they'll appreciate their childhoods and all the time we spent with them. When that day comes, you'll realize all your effort was worthwhile.
My Transition To Part-Time Fatherhood
With my transition to part-time fatherhood in September 2024, I need to fill the 40-hour void with more productive work. Approximately 15 hours a week will be dedicated to writing for Financial Samurai, and five hours will be set aside for my sports hobbies, leaving me with 20 hours a week to generate active income.
This active income is crucial to supplement my passive investment income and cover my shortfall in desired living expenses. It also serves to renew my sense of purpose now that my fatherhood responsibilities have lessened.
Earlier this year, I experimented with part-time consulting, but it didn't work out as planned. The workload exceeded the agreed-upon 20 hours per week. Nonetheless, this experience has provided me with valuable insights into what to seek once I have more free time.
To all the men out there aspiring to be full-time fathers, give it a go! Don't worry about societal judgments. Ultimately, follow your heart and pursue what holds true meaning for you. Your kids will grow up faster than you know!
Reader Questions About Fatherhood
Are there any other full-time fathers out there? If you're currently a part-time father, have you ever thought about transitioning to full-time fatherhood? What's holding you back?
How do you reconcile the fact that by the time you might want to be a full-time father, your children may already be in school full-time and more interested in spending time with friends?
Do you think there's a better hybrid approach for fathers to balance childcare and income generation effectively?
Recommendation If You Want To Be A Full-Time Father
If you're looking to become a full-time father, try to get laid off with a severance package instead of quitting your job. This way, you'll have a financial runway to be a full-time father without as much financial anxiety.
My bestselling book, How To Engineer Your Layoff, teaches you how to break free from a job you no longer like with a severance package. Use the code “saveten” at checkout to save $10.
As a parent, getting a term life insurance policy is a must to protect your children. Get customized life insurance quotes all in one place at Policygenius. My wife and I got matching 20-year term life insurance policies during the pandemic. After we did, we felt a tremendous amount of relief knowing our kids would be protected until their mid-20s. The peace of mind alone is worth far more than our monthly premiums.
To expedite your journey to financial freedom, join over 60,000 others and subscribe to the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Financial Samurai is among the largest independently-owned personal finance websites, established in 2009.
Hi Sam, I’ve been a full time Dad since July 2018, when my daughter was 7 months old. I FIREd at age 44. I would say it took me a good 3 years to decompress from what had been an extremely high-pressure regional corporate life in Hong Kong. My life (and identity) had been wrapped in a rather warped life of business trips, putting out multiple fires daily around Asia, political stress, conferences, and powerpoint decks.
I had thought that ‘graduating’ to becoming a full time Dad would be a walk in the park. I greatly underestimated life as a full time Dad, and also how my social network would almost entirely change.
You are absolutely right that nearly all full time carers were women, and I was often lectured to by well-meaning mums, who associated me with their (apparently) hopeless husbands who didn’t know how to warm up a baby bottle, for example.
Some mums were cool with a Dad entering their social bubble, some were not. Shopping at a supermarket at 10am on a Tuesday morning, listening to the “musak” and wondering what was going on at the regular Tuesday 10am brainstorming meeting, would often ruin my mornings.
Even though I didn’t particularly like my job, it was my identity. When it was all stripped away, I had to do a lot of soul searching as to who I was, who I wanted to be.
And as mentioned, it took about 3 entire years, and I moved to Vietnam for 3 years to work it out. I am currently back in my home country, and having been building and selling houses and townhouses. Very different to what I used to do, but it’s more profitable than my old job and I still get to do school pickups, and take my daughter to the beach or for a bushwalk after school.
So glad you raised this topic, and all the best to you.
Thanks for sharing! Why did you choose Vietnam of all places? And what did you discover by yourself while you were there?
I had been to northern Vietnam before on a few business trips, and had the most peculiar sense of deja vu and sense of calm that I cannot explain. Moving there was unchartered territory, for somewhat who had led such a structured and rather one-dimensional life as a corporate drone. I found my feet fairly quickly, found a beautiful home, had a nanny, and enrolled my daughter at a gorgeous old French-Vietnamese school. I did some work with an NGO in my spare time while there, and took up kickboxing to release pent up bad energy that had built up over the years. The knives are always out in corporate land. I re-discovered humility, empathy, sense of humour, and just being able to smile naturally. My net worth doubled during this time, from investments I had made during the corporate years. What a paradigm shift. Thanks for the time into your newsletters, I read them all and appreciate the clarity you bring. Cheers. C
I spent 4 hours taking the kids swimming and then to lunch because I love them and enjoy being a dad. I also wanted to provide my wife a break.
The next morning, I came down to cheerfully to greet them. My wife said our daughter didn’t sleep well because of swimming and burger lunch. She’s had a long history of not sleeping through the night, so to blame me hurt.
Ugh. I felt so invalidated as a father. I’d rather go to work full time than get insulted this way from a wife who doesn’t appreciate my efforts.
I’m sorry to hear about this. Disappointing and frustrating. I feel your pain as I have felt invalidated before despite trying so hard as a stay-at-home dad for so long.
It’s easy to get taken for granted and then even blamed for our efforts. This is one of the reasons why I want to go back to work. Better work/life balance.
Two stay-at-home parents sounds nice in theory, but there can also be lots of conflicts both being at home all day. I wish my body could handle playing sports more frequently!
I completely understand and feel your scenarios of not being appreciated, and sometimes even dismissed and snarked at by my loving wife at times. I’m 49 and have two wonderful and amazing kids (girl 6, boy 9), and have been a full-time dad for a cumulative time of over 4 years. It’s been the most fulfilling, fun and rewarding time of my life so far.
I would like to share a snippet from a compelling book that has helped to shift my thought perspective and paradigm so that I’m able to be more unflappable and cool/calm/collected when dealing with difficulties with whoever….whether it’s the unappreciative spouse, annoying co-worker or rude stranger. Stay strong and resilient, and you do you and enjoy every moment and days with your kids!
Don’t Take Anything Personally. That’s the second agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic, “The Four Agreements.”
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….
But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.”
Wise words! I used your insights for this new post I wrote about an altercation I had.
https://www.financialsamurai.com/dont-beat-up-your-opponents-too-badly-while-smiling/
Sam,
Glad to be of inspiration for your latest post reagarding whiny, sore losers. :) These days, I try my darnedest to surround myself only with optimistic, forward thinking and good-charactered people. Life’s too short to be around folks that you don’t enjoy being with even if it’s family or close relatives or long time friends. You know what they say about a person being the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Sure, if it’s an occasional encounter (small percentage of my total time in a day/week/month/year) then deal with and power through it with a smile. Otherwise, it would be worth a mulling over to decide if that negativity is worth dealing with time and time again…much like a cost/benefit analysis but geared towards people. Hey, good luck and keep kicking that guy’s butt in tennis! You don’t owe him a damn thing. ;)
And to share an empowering quote I recently read…
“I am the Master of my Fate, I am the Captain of my Soul,”
― Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich
Happy Father’s Day fellow dads!
I’m a full time dad to 4 and 6 year old boys and absolutely love every single day. We’re also homeschooling them (unschooling, actually) so we’re even luckier in that we get to spend nearly every day / all day with them. Every day is spent outdoors, hiking, biking, camping, foraging, volunteering, and I am living my best life with them.
I worked extremely hard in my 20s so that I could soak in being a dad in my 30s and 40s. These years will fly by fast enough as it is, so my only goal as a father is to soak them in and witness the incredible human beings they blossom into.
Good stuff homeschooling! We did so for 18 months and it was incredibly rewarding. We won’t get that time back. And my how much quicker they learn when we offer tailored education to our kids based on how they learn.
Parenting is so much work no matter how you slice it. And dads are so important in kids lives, crucial. I was told early on in parenthood that every family is different and you have to do what works best for you. That really stuck with me because it’s so true. For the dads out there who are the primary caregiver, big props to you for being so involved with your kids. And for the dads who are part time, you rock too. Happy Father’s Day weekend to all the dads out there!
I hope more men feel OK being full-time fathers, especially as more mothers pursue the bacon.
I honestly find it kind of sad if both parents are working 50+ hours a week to try and make as much money as possible….. for what? To drive a nicer car or own a nicer home?
I’d rather spend more time with my kids and live in a cheaper home and drive an old car.
To each their own I guess!
I fully agree. If you offered me $100 million dollars to work 40 hours / week in an office until my kids turn 18, I wouldn’t think twice about turning it down. Money feels like a game of monopoly. Real wealth, to me, is the relationship I have with my family, and there isn’t enough money in the world to buy my time spent with them.
Yeah, I get the desire to earn more and more. But at some point, there has to be some regulation. Personally, I am miffed by decamillionaires and wealthier folks who still grind in the office and in meetings all day while they have young kids. Then, they end up hoarding their wealth, which is pointless.
psssst…. Sam…. I think your title is backwards….
It could be! But for me, I’m going from full-time to part-time. But it can be either way depending on where the the father is currently. Both transitions are tricky! But yes, since I talk mostly about becoming a FT father, you’re probably right.