In April 2017, I made a commitment to be a stay-at-home parent for the first five years of my son's life. When my daughter was born in December 2019, I made the same commitment for the sake of equality.
Research shows that the first five years are the most crucial for a child's development. Supposedly, 90% of a child's brain develops by age 5. Since I was unemployed anyway, I decided to transition into full-time parent mode.
Now that my daughter is finally starting school full-time in September five years later, I want to reflect on this experience—especially for those of you who are considering giving up your career to be a stay-at-home parent.
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Your Probably Shouldn't Give Up Your Career For Your Kids
Unless your spouse makes a substantial income or you’re already financially independent, giving up your career to raise your child may lead to more stress and conflict than it’s worth. The more ambitious you are, the less you should be a stay-at-home parent.
I fully understand why some couples divorce after having kids. Being a full-time parent tests you in every possible way. And no matter how hard you try, you may often feel like your efforts are neither good enough nor appreciated enough.
If your spouse doesn't appreciate you after you give up your career, you are going to be mighty bitter, perhaps more if you went to college! Going to work is much easier than being a full-time parent, especially if you can work from home and have a flexible schedule.
Before you give up your career for your kids, you must plan carefully. Do not think everything will work out the way you want because it probably won't!
Nobody Really Cares How Much Work You Do As A Parent
Nobody asked you to have kids, so nobody cares how much work you do as a parent. You could be up for 20 hours a day because your baby or toddler won't sleep, and you will get zero reward for your hard work.
On the other hand, if you're burning the midnight oil at work, your manager will eventually recognize your efforts. Not only will you likely receive words of encouragement, you may also get a raise and a promotion!
If you decide to be the stay-at-home parent, your spouse may initially appreciate your work. But over time, they will take you for granted because that's what they get used to. They might think, “Of course you have to take care of the kids because I'm busy earning money!” Never stop saying thank you, no matter how redundant it seems.
The working partner will have to deal with their own stresses at work and may think you have the easier job. This will make you annoyed, and perhaps even sad that your efforts are not recognized. You may much prefer commuting to work while listening to your favorite podcast, typing on the computer for several hours, and then grabbing lunch with colleagues instead of childcare.
To be a stay-at-home parent, you must love children and love the role of being a parent. If you are not at least 70% intrinsically motivated by parenthood, you will eventually become unhappy. The thing is, you won't know what your true intrinsic motivation is until after you give up your career.
Solution: Limit Your Stay-At-Home Parenthood To Three Years Max
In hindsight, committing to five years as a stay-at-home dad for each child was excessive. One year is good enough, with a maximum of two years for fathers and three years for mothers. By age three, children become eligible for preschool, which was our initial plan.
However, just before our son's third birthday, the onset of COVID prompted us to withdraw him from preschool, leading us to homeschool him for the subsequent 18 months. Then our daughter was born four months before lockdowns, so I was stuck at home anyway. I figured I might as well make the most of it.
One to three years is a long-enough amount to create a strong bond with your child. You'll see all of the amazing, priceless milestones like cooing, smiling, crawling, standing, walking, and talking. Before and after work, and the weekends are plenty to spend with your children. At the same time, you won't be away from your career long enough for it to suffer.
Ask yourself what will you be doing all day once your kids are in school full-time?
Within three years, you should still be able to get a similar job with similar pay where you left off. You'll also never have to wonder what it was like to be a stay-at-home parent. People job hop every two-to-three years all the time. Treat your time raising your kids full-time like any other job.
The other benefit of going back to work after one to three years is that it reduces the chances of your spouse taking you for granted. Only after you return to work will your spouse really appreciate how much you did at home. It’s always that way—you have to lose something to fully appreciate it.
Fathers Should Probably Limit Their Full-Time Parenthood To One Year
If you are a father, it is in your DNA to provide for your family. Given you can't breastfeed your children, you will often feel useless during the first 6-12 months of your child's life. You can do your best to wash the bottles, warm the bottles, take over several shifts so mom can rest, and more. However, your baby will likely always want mommy for at least the first six months.
Every day you spend being a stay-at-home father may feel counter to your purpose to provide. Unless your spouse is making big bucks, staying at home for longer than one-to-two years is not optimal. Your lack of income generation will put too much financial strain on the household, leading to more stressful times.
If possible, take six months off during your child's first six months of life, where both mom and baby are most vulnerable. Go back to work, and then take another 6 months off during the second year once your little one begins to move a lot.
Personally, the 2,700+ consecutive days of crying, screaming, and whining I experienced has taken its toll on my mental health. And after getting constantly rebuffed during the first three years of both children's lives, I often wondered, what's the point of me being at home?
But again, COVID happened, and nobody cares.
Reflecting on it now, returning to work or taking on a part-time consultant role after two years would have brought more balance and harmony to my life. It could have provided a space for me to escape childcare responsibilities without feeling guilty.
Then again, I tried going back to work part-time recently and could only last four months. Hence, finding the right fit is also paramount.
Two Parents At Home To Take Care Of The Kids Is Not Ideal Either
You would think that two parents providing childcare is better than one. However, spending too much time together can be overwhelming. It's like going on a cross-country road trip with your best friend. Afterward, you'll likely want a break from seeing each other for awhile or you might no longer be best friends!
Two parents at home for the first year of a child's life is a great situation. But after a year, one parent should probably find part-time or full-time work, at least for the sake of getting out of the house. My original belief of sacrificing five years of your career for your family was extreme.
It's important to have separation from each other to better appreciate each other. If one parent is a homebody, then all the more reason to find an activity that gets you out of the house at least five hours a day. Your marriage may suffer otherwise.
Being away for 10-12 hours a day would also have made it easier for me to accept being the children's second choice. It's akin to an A student getting a B without attending class—no problem! However, putting in so much effort as a father often created disappointment when the love I wanted was not reciprocated. Again, nobody cares but you.
What If You Have Multiple Kids?
If you have more than two kids, the economics of staying at home often start to make more sense. Raising three or more children is undoubtedly a full-time job. The sheer amount of scheduling alone can drive you insane.
One common strategy is to take about three months off after each child is born, then return to work. This approach allows you to bond with your newborn while maintaining your career. For health and family planning reasons, children are usually spaced two to five years apart, which naturally helps with balancing work and family life.
For parents with multiple children, the cost of childcare can be a significant factor. If you can stagger your return to work as each child reaches school age, you can gradually reduce your childcare expenses while staying connected to your career. This staggered approach also gives you time to adjust to the demands of each new addition to your family, providing a smoother transition back to work.
However, if you decide to be a stay-at-home parent for all your kids' early years, it’s important to plan for the long-term financial impact. Consider how long you can afford to be out of the workforce and what that means for your career and retirement.
Another consideration is alternating with your partner. Perhaps one parent stays home for the first couple of years, and then the other takes over. This way, both parents get to maintain their careers and share in the early parenting responsibilities.
For Your Sanity, Spend More Money On Childcare
If I could start over as a parent, I would have spent more on childcare. I was too proud and frugal to delegate too many hours of childcare duty. Why pay for help when you have the ability to do it yourself? We did pay for a night doula and an au pair, which were huge during the pandemic, but in hindsight, I should have spent even more to give ourselves more breaks.
If the stay-at-home parent needs relief, babysitting can provide full relief—not just for the stay-at-home parent, but also for the working parent who then doesn't have to shoulder childcare responsibilities for that moment. The working parent will also feel better knowing the stay-at-home parent is getting a well-deserved break.
Plus, babysitting is a part-time, non-permanent expense. Eventually, kids will learn to take care of themselves. Spending more money on babysitting could be the best investment you make for your mental health and marriage. It's much cheaper than a divorce!
The Risk Of Being A Helicopter Parent
If you're always around, you risk creating dependent children who won't learn to do things for themselves. For example, you might habitually zip up their jacket or put on their socks for them, taking away their opportunity to be self-sufficient. Keep this up and your kids might fail to launch.
Sending your kids to daycare or preschool earlier can foster independence. They'll encounter situations where they have to navigate conflicts with other students, learn to stand up for themselves, and figure things out without mommy and daddy around 24/7.
However, there is a trade-off. Sending them to daycare or preschool earlier may expose them to more illnesses. Many working parents, constrained by job demands, send their sick kids to school, creating a cycle of illnesses that can affect your child and, subsequently, you.
Before You Give Up Your Career To Be A Stay-At-Home Parent
If you want to give up your career, I'd consider doing the following:
1) Come up with a target date to return to work.
Think about how long you plan to be a stay-at-home parent. Will it be until your child starts school, or will it be longer? Pick an approximate time you plan to go back to work so you can establish the right expectations. The stay-at-home role is likely much harder than you think.
After eight years of being a stay-at-home father to two children, I'm realizing that having kids doesn't hurt my ideal FIRE lifestyle, but enhances it. Kids have a lot more free time and days off from school than you might realize. As a result, you can travel and spend more time with them. With more flexible work schedules, you don't need to retire early or achieve financial independence to spend maximum time with your children anymore.
2) Experience what your life will be like with one income.
Calculate your household budget based on one income and see if it’s feasible. Add a 20% buffer because unexpected expenses tend to pop up. Plan out how you will pay for the mortgage or rent, utilities, groceries, and other essentials with one income.
Go ahead and live off only one income for the entire time you or your partner is pregnant. You must experience what it feels like to live off less for as long as possible. It's the only way not to give into the temptation of going back to work after your paid parental leave is over.
3) Bolster your savings to cover up to three years of shortfall.
When you finally leave your job, you will be stressed, especially if you did not negotiate a severance package. To alleviate this certain stress, save an amount equal to the number of months you plan to be a stay-at-home parent.
4) Have a heart-to-heart about division of labor.
Despite the progressive thinking of today's generation, traditional roles often still linger in many households, leading to misunderstandings and frustration. Men tend to think they do more around the house than they really do, to their wife's dismay.
Come up with a list of everything that has to be done, then divide the tasks based on what seems fair. Upon agreeing to the division of labor, print out the tasks so both parties can clearly see who is responsible for what.
Set clear expectations!
5) Think about the future to get through the hardest of times.
During challenging times, remember that this too shall pass. Twenty years from now, you will wish you could rewind time to experience the moments today. Being a full-time parent can get mighty lonely.
Finally, think about how much closer you will be with your kids in the future. If you have a great relationship with your kids for the rest of your life, being a stay-at-home parent will be well worth it.
6) Do something for yourself, just in case everything goes horribly wrong.
There’s always a chance that you could spend years as a stay-at-home parent and end up regretting the experience. The feeling of regret is the main reason why I don't think most parents should spend more than three years being a a stay-at-home parent.
Your partner might take you for granted and divorce you, your kids might not appreciate you, your weight could balloon, you could lose touch with your friends, and fall into deep depression. If these things happen, you might end up resenting your kids and your life.
That’s why, like any good investor who understands there are no certainties in life, you hedge. You hedge against a bad outcome by doing something for yourself that no one can take away. This might mean excelling at a sport like pickleball, which helps you make more friends and stay in better shape. It could also mean continuing to work part-time to keep your skills fresh, which makes you less dependent on your partner.
For me, it was writing Buy This, Not That and maintaining Financial Samurai. If everything had gone wrong, I could still look back and say that during my seven-and-a-half years as a stay-at-home dad, I at least wrote a bestselling book and over 1,100 articles on Financial Samurai.
Diversify your activities beyond just being a stay-at-home parent to ensure your time is well spent. The only challenge is that it will require even more effort on your part to hedge against a suboptimal life. Here's to waking up by 5 am every morning to pursue your interests!
Poorer, But Content As A Stay-At-Home Dad
Since 2017, I’ve sacrificed at least $2 million in income opportunities to be a stay-at-home dad. That amount could have generated an annual passive retirement income of $80,000—forever.
If I had returned to work by 2020, perhaps I wouldn’t have to grind my way back to financial independence. Or maybe I still would have gone all-in on our current home, leaving me in the same bind. It's hard to say for certain.
However, the crux of the matter is the promise I made to my family—committing to being a stay-at-home dad for five years for each child. And a Financial Samurai never breaks a promise.
I’ve just come to realize that being a stay-at-home parent for one to three years is enough. Please don't let pride and honor get in the way of doing what you think is best. If after six months of being a full-time parent, you can’t take it anymore, go back to work. Stay flexible!
I’m going to use my newfound freedom from Monday to Friday to mentally recover and get fit. Maybe in the new year, I’ll muster up the energy to pursue employment again. But for now, writing on Financial Samurai is good enough.
Reader Questions
Are you a stay-at-home parent, or have you been one? If so, how many years did you dedicate to it, and do you think it was worth it? What do you believe is the ideal length of time to be a stay-at-home parent? What other tips do you have for people who are considering giving up their careers to stay home with their kids?
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I just took a break from work (making $600k per year) to spend 6month – 1 year with my kids and wife. I’m two months in and, so far, it’s been incredibly rewarding. We’re homeschool both our kids who are 6 and 4. We’re traveling a lot and I’m loving teaching the kids alongside my wife.
I did the same thing 5 years ago—taking off 6 months to travel through Europe with my 14 month old daughter at the time. One of the best decisions I’ve made.
My plan is to continue working hard for 5-6 years at a time—then take off for a year(ish)—and repeat. I think this is a great way to enjoy family and kids—without “retiring” or taking off for multiple years.
Love the post. All the best!
Well done! Glad you’ve been able to take time off for yourself. And if you could share what you do for a living to provide that type of income and flexibility to go back, that would be insightful! thx
Absolutely! I’m a commercial real estate developer, targeting primarily single tenant, NNN deals. I worked for a national development firm and have been doing this for over 10+ years. I was a salaried employee ($500k straight salary) and earned an additional ~$100k from commissions (I have my RE license) and bonuses.
The salary may seem high—but I would individually secure ~$10M of new business per year. I also managed a team (14 people) at the company doing the same thing.
I have the ability to go back and work at the same company (owner has offered to make me a partner) but am considering exploring a new sector (data centers).
I also walked away from a $500k role back in 2019 (publicly traded firm) at a different company and took a pay cut for 2 years until I worked my way up at a new firm. I don’t mind taking a pay cut and leaving money on the table—if it allows me to take time off and learn new areas of real estate.
Cheers!
My kids are off at university and I retired at 50. I don’t regret retiring and I don’t miss work for one second (despite having an extremely fulfilling career), but boy do I miss my kids like crazy. You will never get this time back. Enjoy it! Enjoy every hug, cuddle, happy moment – even the tough ones. There is nothing better than being a parent to my 2 amazing, beautiful children.
My daughter was born in 2017 through surrogacy in the US (gay dad here). The timing pretty much aligned with my ‘retire early’ goal at age 44, from a gruelling corporate career I had no intention to return to. I had made my money, was burned out, and no longer enjoyed the work. I moved to SE Asia and had full time Nanny help, which certainly kept me sane. It meant I could actually leave the house. I also did some part time English teaching which was fun. I met (and married) while on this little adventure, so somehow the stars aligned. Would I do anything differently- probably not. I think it was a gutsy move in hindsight. However, I am now back in my home country and considering part time work options. The biggest question is… how to present myself to potential employers for part time work. I am all set financially, but I am starting to crave more social stimulation, in a work culture that is kinder and not so brutal. I have a deadline of end September to get my applications out. I’ll keep you posted on how I go. – C
What was the impetus of you moving to Southeast Asia after retiring and having a child?
Why a September deadline?
Had been a long term goal, to reach by age 45. Cost of living was another factor, familiarity with the region (was head of APAC markets for some years), love of local culture. I’ve been mulling return to part time work for some months. Stay at home dad as a long term proposition is not my calling. Cheers.
Cool. I enjoyed my time living in Kuala Lumpur immensely.
Sungei Wang is my go-to whenever I’m visiting KL, plus the open air hawker centres. If ever I move there, I’ll take the soft option and find somewhere in the Cameron Highlands, KL gets super muggy.
Cool. Ah, the memories. How about Lot 10? That was the posh place where I would eat at Cal’s Diner on the ground floor. I’ll always remember a beautiful girl winking at me while I was drinking my milkshake. I never found out who she was as she was leaving.
Ah yes Lot 10, I used to visit KL for store visits mostly. Places like Lot 10, Pavilion, KLCC, Sunway Pyramid, Mid Valley Megamall, Utama. I still preferred the ‘mom and pop’ stores though, something raw and real about them, and chatting with the uncles and aunties! And I like to bargain. Times Square had a bit of a mishmash of shops too. As for the beautiful girl winking at you, I totally know the feeling of never knowing and always wondering. A sliding doors moment.
Tell potential employers during interviews that you moved to Southeast Asia for business opportunities. Then describe a business and how you folded it up so you could move back to your home country. Then you don’t have a gap in your resume.
Great idea. I did have a small consulting business while there; more of a side hustle to keep my mind active. I’ll include this. Thanks so much.
Hi Sam,
I used to read your blog years and years ago, and just recently picked it up again (along with your books!) as I’m reaching another pivotal decision point in life. I have a bit of a contrarian view on staying home when the kids are young – now that my twin six-year old boys are in first grade, I actually think they need me MORE than in the first five years!
We’re a two-mom family in the Bay Area who have both always worked full-time. In my 18+ year career, my 4-month maternity leave is the longest “break” from office work I have taken (but taking care of twin infants is the hardest work I’ve ever done, far harder than when I worked 80+ hour weeks at investment banks!).
Now that they are six years old and in first grade, there are so many more things that they can do, and extracurricular offerings: there are homework projects and school events/volunteering, field trips, after-school choir, basketball team, Chinese school, tennis lessons, swim, soccer, science fair, etc etc. I still work full-time but am trying to pivot to a career that will allow me the flexibility and funds to do all these things with them (but not all at once). As you’re probably seeing with your own kids, they know a LOT more now! And I don’t want to take calls in the middle of dinner or from kids’ events on the weekends anymore.
I think the key to minimizing regret in the early parenting vs. career juggle is to stay true to yourselves and be at peace that you are making the best decisions you can as a parent. Only you can judge what is best for you and your family because everyone has to optimize for their own set of values, beliefs, available resources, and life goals.
I do think that is a contrarian viewpoint. All that stuff can be done after or before school. What does a SAHP do for 40+ hours a week while they are in school? I can see spending one or two hours a day, or 5 to 10 hours a week planning. But not 40+ hours a week.
If you frame the decision as full-time work vs. full-time childcare/parenting, then yes, you can make this a full-time job for yourself before they start school (or even after if you homeschool). However, I would think about the available options, the best use of your time/skillset, and of course what you think is best for your kids. From 0 – 2.5 years old, nanny took them to parks, libraries, etc. and they were perfectly happy playing with rocks and sticks. Once they hit 2.5yo we could see they were ready for more and started preschool at the height of Covid. They learned Mandarin, letters, numbers, science, art, music, soccer, and had fun playing with other little kids, things I couldn’t have done for them at home.
You’d be surprised how many things require parental participation during the school day! Field trips, volunteer events, assemblies … it’s not every day but if you don’t have flexibility you couldn’t attend. The homework projects, the administrative overhead, driving them to and from school, practice, rehearsal, etc. can easily add up to 15-20 hours a week or more.
I’m not surprised by the many things parents do for their kids while at school, because I’m doing them with my wife. Even if it took 20 hours a week, that still leaves a lot of free time to do something else.
I don’t want to be too idle during that time as it feels like a waste.
Also, there is a reason women’s earnings lag men on average – there is a huge opportunity cost to taking time off work in your prime working years. If you can reach financial independence early that’s fantastic. But most people aren’t able to do that in the relatively short window that you have for kids.
Oh, I totally agree. So one benefit of companies providing EQUAL parental leave time off is that more men may take off time to care for their children, thereby lowering the wage gap.
Hi Sam,
I’ve always enjoyed your newsletter. This article reflecting on your experience of being a stay at home Dad really resonated. I am a solo mother (not by choice) and full time call taking anesthesiologist. Child rearing, household duties and financial responsibilities fall solely on my shoulders and it always feels like so much. Thankfully now as my son is older (almost 5) I feel like I have a little more of a handle of things. I’m actually in the process of signing on for a new job (90% full term) in a new area (suburbia vs NYC so I can drive and everything is close) with the goal of being around for my son a bit more and also creating more time/energy to work on creating other sources of income. The reality of raising kids and the sacrifice it involves isn’t talked about as much as it should be so thank you for sharing your honest thoughts.
Warmly,
Stayed home all five years for my son. He just started kindergarten. My wife’s income has been more than sufficient to cover us, and we even had money to invest in real estate and vacation, but I do feel the constraints of only consulting 120 hours a year, which doesn’t bring in that much more additional income, though it was nice these past four years having adults to help out on an occasional basis.
I’m honestly not sure what I will do now. I have maintained flexibility in case the school situation doesn’t work out for our neurodivergent kiddo, but the first three days were promising. I will probably work on getting my mental and physical health together, both of which definitely took their worst hit during my SAHP stint. After that, I suspect it will be a little more clear where I want to put my attention. I am grateful I have a partner who can support me through that time until I figure it out.
Good stuff. What does your wife do?
And how did your wife feel about not being a stay at home mom and you being a stay at home dad?
I could not convince my wife to go back to work after one year after each child was born. She felt too guilty and did not find work to be enjoyable enough to sacrifice time away from our children.
Congratulations on fulfilling your commitment, Sam!! We don’t say this enough to each other: you are doing a great job!!! Thank you for the sacrifices you and your wife make everyday. There are so many reasons why fathers are so important!!!
I was fortunate enough to stay at home with my first for one year (my husband has always worked full-time). Going back to work full-time after a year was tough, I had 2 hours a day with her which included making dinner and bath time. We were in the hamster wheel. I began working part-time when she was 3. I stayed at home with my second for two years (mainly due to the pandemic). I went back to work full-time and recently dropped to 30 hours per week. I am 100% remote and have no intention of going into the office due to the flexibility. I am so fortunate and will keep this up as long as I can.
1) I don’t have to work. I choose to for extras like travel, savings, etc. It’s also important to me that my daughters see me working. I want them to know they can work (if they choose to).
2) I’ve heard that your kids need you just as much when they get older. My oldest started middle school this year. There are so many events and emails from teachers. My point is that there is always something and a tradeoff of time and money. Time will always be your greatest asset. Spend it wisely.
3) I used to to tell myself “this to shall pass”. This implies that your waiting for things to get better. Now I say “celebrate the journey “. There are always challenging times. Find the good in them.
Thanks! Sounds like you have a great flexible Work situation. A blessing for sure. I’m looking for the same but it’s hard to find.
It’s good to celebrate the journey, but when there are really tough times, I think it’s also helpful to just sit with it and absorb it in.
Sam, I’m glad to see you come to terms with your role and experience related to being stay at home parents. I’ve been a long time reader and I can remember when you first started writing about having kids and your plans to stay at home and focus solely on the kids and I immediately knew it would be a problem. Having kids is simply a game changer in so many ways. It’s great that you could afford to stay home even if it did cost you opportunities but as you have determined what is perceived to be the right decision early on changes quickly as you have multiple kids and work/life balance adjusts.
I think it’s great you had so much time with your kids at an early age but I’m glad to see your mindset change as a provider and full time parent. Getting those kids out socializing with others in daycare/school and not being helicopter parents is so important.
The good news is there’s not right or wrong way to raise kids and everyone has their own way and should not judge others. Glad you are at peace and I wish your family well in whatever next steps you take.
Thanks, what did you end up doing as a father? Always curious to know how long other stay-at-home dads lasted in their roles and what they’d have done differently.
I actually didn’t focus solely on my kids since 2017. I hedged. Every year since 2017, I wrote at least 150 articles on Financial Samurai, and then wrote my book, Buy This Not That, which took 2.5 years. I had to grind it out from 4:30 am – 8 am often, but I wanted to do it because I like to write and create.
We didn’t have the option of both being full-time parents. We started our first child in daycare at 1 yr and the other two much younger and don’t regret it. My wife eventually stopped full-time work but does work part-time and I’ve been full time work the whole time (kids are 13, 10 and 6).
I think everyone has their own way but it’s just so hard to plan to do one way because things change so much. It’s kinda like childbirth. The mother may say I want a specific birth but when push comes to shove (literally) the doctor sometimes has to get the baby out regardless of your birth plan.
I remember I didn’t want to have a baby until I had saved up enough money for their college (roughly $200k in my head). That obviously didn’t happen, lol.
There is a middle ground. I worked full-time and my wife worked at least 20 hours a week (and mostly full-time) the entire kids upbringing. What we didn’t do though is have or pursue $$ over everything else. We wanted careers but also wanted to be there for the kids, we loved being parents. In some sense we did as little as possible in our careers (ie., managed our careers) to prioritize as much time for kids and “family”. I coached our kids sports, never missed (ok maybe one) a play or musical performance, etc. Sure there are sacrifices. I gave up my love for golf and sports in general to make more time on weekends for family time. My wife and I committed to family dinners every evening at home together for instance. I never attended happy hours at work to preserve those dinners. Maybe it cost me a client or two and $$$, but who knows. I was happy and we made “enough” already. Since we both worked we had to made some tough choices to eliminate vacations with extended family to preserve time for just our family. Stuff like that.
Kids are now 26 an 23 and wonderful. Both of us have great relationships with them. They have degrees and good jobs. Never have I ever heard them say “Gee Dad, I wish you had been home more…”
It isn’t that “you can have it all”. Your really making sacrifices on both ends (career and parenting) but its doable to maintain self-satisfaction in a career and raise great kids.
That’s great to hear. Is there anything you would have done differently if you could rewind time 15-20 years?
Nope not at all. I would have worried less about my kids. I learned kids can really be resilient. You can’t take your eye off the ball and must teach them lessons of life, but I worried all the time and probably was not necessary. Both of my kids went through some rough patches so we increased our, for lack of a better word, “attention”. For instance we didn’t hesitate getting help (e.g., therapist) if we felt out of our depth on parenting a specific issue. Biggest thing though I learned is you have to let them become themselves. Hovering and micro-managing your kids lives only is appropriate during short term crisis periods. And by all means, encourage relationships outside the family. But that is just worked for us – I am also convinced kids can respond to all manner of parenting styles, as long as they see done in love.
There is a great saying for parents I heard once, “It is OK if you want to be more like your kids, but never try to make them more like you.”
Cool. I have never met someone who didn’t look back and want to change something or improve upon something. Pretty neat. This must be what true contentment is like.
That’s an awesome saying; I’ve never heard it before.
“It is OK if you want to be more like your kids, but never try to make them more like you.”
I have a fantasy in my head of learning lots of things together with them as they get older (e.g., gymnastics or martial arts or scouts, stuff I didn’t do as a kid). Dunno if that’s being more like them or just being a kid again :)
I was laid off from my software marketing job when my daughter was almost two years old, but looking back, it was a blessing in disguise. I chose to stay at home after that, and it’s been almost three years of raising her now. It did help that my daughter was able to go to school half days since she was 2. Now that she is 4, she is going to Pre-K full time. So I’m back in full-time job searching mode for a marketing gig. Over the past three years, while being a stay-at-home mom, I started my own real estate company and purchased and flipped a single family home (that we eventually decided to hold on to). I also got into short term renting after having my daughter. Over the past three years, we have built/ marketed/ managed several different STR properties. I went through a lot of savings, but I also managed to increase our net worth. We’re now asset rich (we currently own three houses, two outright), but cash poor (we still have savings, but the numbers scare me). We also have debt from the last year, paying bills for three separate properties. So that has been stressful as a family. I’m a risk taker, my husband not as much. We have somehow managed to stay afloat this past year, which was by far the most stressful/ difficult – thank you LLC. I have a financial plan to get back on track once I find a job (fingers crossed). I do not regret at all having the time with my daughter. I think I made the best of the three year’s by doing ‘something’ to keep building wealth, when I wasn’t doing the standard full-time gig. But now I have reached a point where I’m ready to get back out into the world, and do more for me again. So I would agree that the three year mark was the right amount of time for me and my family :) PS Your newsletter inspired me along the way. I also became an investor/ shareholder in Fundrise after reading about it from you.
I think you made the best of your three years as well! The layoff enabled you to spend more time with your daughter, and become more entrepreneurial. Got to love that combination. And now you know what you can do and that itself is quite valuable.
Real estate was a double-edged sword for me. One bad flip made a stressful year even more stressful. But we made it through and have a solid foundation in place for what’s to come. REI is definitely worth getting a handle on and may be how I continue to spend my time rather than trying to grow my client base.
I didn’t stay home, and neither did my spouse. I took a 3-month maternity leave. Things were difficult with my first child as I was still relatively young in my career, and I felt guilty that I was failing as an employee and a parent. I didn’t have the option to stay home with my first one, so I felt like I was in survival mode. It was a difficult time.
I had my second child when I was already well-established in my career, and it was so much easier. I knew I needed a nanny and that when I returned to work, I couldn’t carry a full load because it’s hard to perform when you are sleep-deprived, so I went back after three months on a part-time schedule and only went into the office a few hours a day (going into the office felt like a reward at that time).
My tips, unfortunately, only apply to the top 5%. Ideally, you have an experienced nanny, a weekly cleaner, and some amount of meal delivery. You also start a part-time daycare or Montessori-type school when they are 12 months old for a few hours in the morning, then the nanny picks them up around noon and covers the afternoon hours. We liked having our nanny start an hour or two before pickup to get going on kids’ laundry and other chores around the house, like putting away grocery orders or prepping dinner. Then, when we finish our work day and exercise, we can focus 100% on the kids from about 5 pm until bedtime and wake up time until daycare or school dropoff. If working from home, we also enjoyed some time with them during the day.
We probably would have done okay if I had stayed home with my second child starting at birth, but by then, I had such a great setup with flexible, remote work that I didn’t feel it was necessary.
“Every day you spend being a stay-at-home father may feel counter to your purpose to provide.”
It may, but only if bringing home money is what you define as providing. Some fathers have a tendency to focus on work with the belief they’re providing for their family in the best way possible, simply because they feel unable to provide in other ways.
I think I understand what you are saying. Does this mean you are also a fellow stay at home parent? If so, how long have you been one?
I’d love to get more perspective from stay at home dads.
Thanks
I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for 6 years and am self employed, working from 5:30am to 7:30am before my kids wake up. While I acknowledge that earning money to the extent of meeting basic needs is part of providing for a family, I don’t believe it defines a father’s role. I’ve seen how some fathers (including friends of mine) use work as a way to avoid the deeper responsibilities of fatherhood. They comfort themselves by claiming that working long hours is just them “taking care of their family,” but they reluctantly admit that it’s also a form of escape.
Fatherhood is being present, engaged, and involved in the daily lives of our children. This role cannot be effectively fulfilled only on weekends or during the few hours between coming home from work and the kids’ bedtime. Our society, especially in the U.S., has normalized this limited involvement, but I think it’s a norm that needs to be questioned and challenged. A father’s presence is essential every day, not just during the leftover hours after work.
I also have strong feelings about the way our society structures education, particularly the idea that kids should be in school for 6+ hours a day (hence why I homeschool), but that’s another topic.
So how do you provide without having a paying job then?
Like I said, I believe having a job and earning income to the extent of meeting basic needs can be part of a father’s role. I’ve just seen many instances, including good friends of mine, who dive headfirst into their work and end up spending even more time at the office because they’re avoiding time at home with the kids.
Agree. I gave way more to my son over the past 5+ years staying at home with him rather than being at a job. My wife made enough money. How much more would it have benefitted him for me to work, too? Especially as a neurodivergent kid with lots of appointments, it was so much better for him that I could be there for him. It’s something I didn’t have for myself, and I don’t regret making the decision, as hard as it has been on occasion.
I only took 6 weeks off as paternity leave for the time that my wife was recovering from the Caesarian section (both babies were super-big 4.7 and 4.5 kg). My mother-in-law also visited from China for long periods around each birth. We’ve never actually used a baby-sitter (my wife refused to even look for one, so I gave up on this) but aggressively used daycare. Even in the pandemic when here supposedly only critical workers were supposed to use it at one point as no-one stopped me… Throughout the last 8 years however, I worked less than before, as my hours of work are not really set at all being a salaried worker and an academic.
Do you wish you had spent more time being a stay at home parent? Did your wife go back to work?
Yes, after one year of maternity leave my wife went back to work part time. She was always less ambitious than me anyway (though I am now also less ambitious). I don’t wish I had spent more time being a stay at home parent. Weekends, evenings, some days in school holidays, vacations, walking to and from school/daycare and all the extra time in the pandemic were enough for me.
I quit when I was pregnant with my 2nd child and never went back. We had 4 kids, so I was a FT stay-at-home mom for 24 years — including homeschooling some of them for 4 years. 1) $$ When we were first married, we knew that we wanted the option for 1 parent to stay home. So even when I was working, we lived off of his salary and saved all of mine for a house down payment. 2) Mental orientation: I always considered my full-time mom status as my “vocation” and, in my mind, considered my 4 kids like my “resume” if I ever interviewed with an employer in the future. 3) What did I do when they were all in public school? I always went to a women’s weekday Bible study (which had assignments to do at home each week), volunteered to help in each of their 4 classes while they were in elementary school, also volunteered as a leader in at least one of their extracurricular activities (soccer coach, girl scouts field trip coordinator, team mom, carpool, etc). While they were in middle and high school, I was actively identifying their passions, strengths and weaknesses, keeping an eye on their academics, and researching after school and summer program opportunities for them to be able to explore and grow in their passions and buffer up their weaknesses. I was also the one who researched college majors, colleges, financial aid, and scheduled/attended all of the college visits with them (both before they applied and after they got accepted). When they were seniors, I helped them with their college applications — helping them to market themselves by defining their unique pitch, suggesting topic possibilities and giving feedback on their essays. We paid for very few tutors, no test prep, and no college counselors. The results? Most of them ended up with straight A’s in a rigorous curriculum of a dozen AP classes. Two scored a perfect 2400 (SAT) and 36 (ACT). With no “hooks”, legacy, nor athletic recruitment advantages, they were accepted at Stanford, MIT, Wharton, and a pre-professional BS/MS program (guaranteed seat at a very competitive Physician Assistant school waiving normal requirements like the GRE and PA-CAT and skipping the usual required 2,000 hours of healthcare experience). All have friends and are caring human beings doing interesting things with their lives. Has my investment of pouring into their lives been worth it? I think so!
Wow! Very impressive. I think your time with them has been well worth it. Well done.
What did their dad do?
You mentioned self-sufficiency. I forgot to mention that when I sent them off to college, they could all cook, clean, and do laundry for themselves. Those who are out of college all have good jobs now too.
Their dad was a CFO of nonprofit organizations. We budgeted and thus were comfortable financially. We definitely didn’t have the $$ for private school. We did public school (and homeschool for a few years) and were selective with the kids’ extracurriculars.
Also, you mentioned self-sufficiency. I forgot to mention that when I sent them off to college, all of them could cook, clean, and do their own laundry. Those whom are out of college all have good jobs now too.
By the way, Go Bears! My husband and I are Cal alum (me from undergrad; him from Haas).
We did the same as you and wanted to both be stay at home parents. Had 3 children back to back. When my youngest was almost a year, my husband went back to work full time. I went back casually when I was about 5 months pregnant with my last, returning about 4 months after the birth- again just casually.
Having 2 parents at home is actually kind of a difficult dynamic with multiple kids because the more permissive parent ends up being the go- to and there are arguments all day about which person the kids need to listen to. At least that’s what happened at our house. Personally I find my kids behave much better when they are only being taken care of by one person because they know what to expect. This may change as they get older.
I’m a very careful person, and it seemed foolish to give up my hedge at work because my employer offered really sweet conditons to come in. I also don’t have to work much to keep the hedge, so I can get by with an occasional babysitter, weekend hours, or husband can take a WFH day.
The flexibility has been key.
Besides all of this about childcare, it was probably better for our mental health and social connections to go back to work. We were also pressured by our extended families.
Long term we were also worried about maintaining awareness of opportunities for our children if we weren’t connected to the workplace. It’s a hard decision for sure, and stay at home parenting is so much work and is totally undervalued.
“ Having 2 parents at home is actually kind of a difficult dynamic with multiple kids because the more permissive parent ends up being the go- to and there are arguments all day about which person the kids need to listen to.”
Good point. Parents can have different parenting styles, even though they are supposed to be on the same page. So having two parents at home can definitely create conflict and confusion.
What’s interesting is that in my household, the kids are very well behaved with me, and not so much with my wife. So this creates frustration on both our parts.
Stay at home Mom for 13 years. Gave up a great career in international consulting traveling all over Europe. Who cares? I will never regret it. No one lies on their death bed and wishes they worked more. My kids are incredible people and I got to witness every moment of their childhood. Best decision we ever made.
I’m glad things have worked out well for you.
Why do you think people end up working more then? How much do you think having a working spouse has to do with your viewpoint? What were some of the stresses in your partner’s life during this 13-year period?
One of the things I’m trying to figure it out is how a parent can fulfill their time AFTER their kids are in school for 40 hours a week? I know there is household chores, scheduling, food prep, etc. But can you share how you’ve been spending your time after they went to school? All suggestions welcome. Thanks
The only reason I had for thinking I might go back to work here and there through the five years I was raising our son was that it seemed like it was getting to be too much. It would have been easier in some respects to go to a job and leave childcare to someone else, but I persevered, and I’m glad I did.
Things did not work out for me. After being a stay at home mom for 13 years, my husband and I got a divorce, and I was only able to survive due to alimony. I gave up my career to raise our son. What I should’ve done was continue to do some part-time work to make getting a full-time job easier after the divorce.
That’s good your life worked out Tiffany. But it’s worth recognizing your privilege of having a working spouse and staying together. Not everybody is as lucky.
I’m going to recommend my daughter to continue working or doing some part-time work after having children. Relying on a man is not a plan.
I agree with you Julie. I grew up in a single parent household where my mom never made a lot of money, but she did very effectively drill in to always make sure my sibling and I figure out how to survive independently. Rule number one was always Do not rely on a man or subsidize one.
Well said and much agreed! You get ONE shot at it.
Thanks for a thoughtful and transparent analysis. All very good insights.
This seems to have a bit of a selfish slant to it. My mom gave up her career to be a stay at home mom for me until I was in public school and it had a very positive impact on my life. Our parents won’t be around forever and I’m grateful for those 6 years she spent with me.
Have you asked your mother the sacrifices she had to give up to raise you? Sometimes we only accept and take, and not appreciate and support.
And have you been a stay at home parent yourself? If not, what’s stopping you from being less selfish with pursuing money and your career, and more selfless to raise your children?
Thanks
Hi Sam! Thank you for a wonderful article. Yes, it’s difficult and sometimes feels so painfully thankless. In the long it isn’t at all. My daughter is an adult and an artist. It’s so touching when I see themes introduced by me when she was only three years old developed by her in her artwork!!! She is not even aware of this herself.
You gave your children, a priceless gift, love. It will carry them through their own tough times.
I totally agree with you about childcare help though. It’s much better to have qualified help around when they are little. I regret not spending the money on that too.
Thank you for a great newsletter!
Raising kids without consistent help from grandparents, a nanny, or babysitter is hard. Even with help it’s hard because there are endless things to do for them, for yourselves, for your household, for outside work, for your finances, for your aging parents etc. Lean into each other’s strengths and divide and conquer as best you can. Appreciation also goes both ways. Both spouses have endless things to do, many of which you probably don’t even have the energy to tell each other about.
At the end of the day your kids are super lucky to have you. Clearly you care a lot about them and have done so much! That’s something to feel proud of and celebrate.
you are right and it;s true