Money guilt is something I've been suffering for a long time. Ever since my friend died in a car accident when he was 15 and I was 13, I've felt guilty. He was one of the most popular kids in school. Why did he have to die? Why was I given the chance to live, create, earn, love, and learn?
My parents came to visit me for only three short days recently and I miss them already. One of the reasons why I wanted to leave my stressful job in finance was to spend more time with them.
I flew back to Hawaii four times in 2012 and three times in 2013 to visit for two-to-five weeks at a time. But since then, I haven't been regularly flying back, so I feel guilty.
The Desire To Make My Parents Proud
Ever since going to college, I've longed to make my parents proud. My goal was to do well in school so I could earn enough money to support myself, a family, and them. They took care of me for the first 22 years, it's only right I take care of them.
Some children have no problem accepting financial help from their parents as adults. That's probably because they weren't bad like me.
I got in a lot of trouble as a teenager, and I really feel guilty for giving my mother so much heartache. I wanted to make up for all the money they spent on me by proving they didn't raise a dead beat, but someone who could be independent as soon as he graduated college.
Money Guilt Living Abroad
I also suffer from money guilt because I grew up in developing countries for the first 13 years of my life (Philippines, Zambia, Malaysia, Taiwan), and frequently went to China and India for work.
Every time I'm about to buy something I don't need, I think back to the times when I witnessed destitution. Every time I eat, I try and eat more slowly in order to be mindful of the starving.
Developing countries are full of hope and growth, but the juxtaposition between the haves and the have-nots is very stark. The poor are extremely poor and the rich are obnoxiously rich.
You want to help, but after a while of helping, you come to the realization that the poverty is endless – like trying to catch a rain drop moments before a monsoon washes you over.
More Background That Created Money Guilt
My parents earned middle class wages as US foreign service officers. They were frugal and taught me the importance of saving. Thanks to their good money habits, they were able to send both my sister and I to college without anybody taking on any debt. College tuition was lower back in the 90s, but it still took a lot of discipline to save ~$100,000 a child for college on an average government salary.
Because I went to public school, there was a surplus of my college fund that was invested in the stock market some time during my junior year in college. I still can't believe William & Mary was only $2,800 a year in tuition. Junior year was when I started getting interested in a career in finance. The stock market was the most exciting thing I could think of at the time.
My Mother's Financial Gift
Fast forward to my parent's recent visit. Before hugging my mom and dad good-bye at the pier before they left on a cruise around Cape Horn to New York City, my mother gave me an envelope as she so often does when we meet. Perhaps it's Chinese custom or maybe it's because she's always so thoughtful that she always wants to help me even though I'm an adult.
Every time she gives me an envelope with a check, I decline because I want her to enjoy her money during retirement. But I'm also careful not to offend her good gesture either. Rejecting people's gifts can get tricky.
In the end, I'll accept and cash her check if it's under $150 bucks. But if it's over $150, then I'll leave it in a drawer somewhere and let it expire. I was once cleaning out my coffee table when I found a check for $200 from my mom from three years prior! I told her and we laughed together.
This latest check of hers was a whopper. It was so much bigger than the others; I cannot disclose the amount. All I can say is that it was a good portion of her annual income while she was still working.
I only found out how big the check was when I got home after dropping them off at the cruise ship. I immediately told her over e-mail that there was no way I could ever accept the check.
True to form, my mother in her often jovial manner insisted that I cash the check. She told me to use the check to fatten me up, or do some remodeling, or whatever I'd like. She told me that the cash wasn't earning any interest in her account, and to please take the money.
Honoring My Mother's Financial Gift
She then said something really heart-warming and a little melancholy, “Well, I'm just trying to make the best use of my money, finding different purposes for it (other than sustaining life) from what your financial blog promotes! After all, you are one of my beneficiaries. So why not use it while I feel like doing it once in a (long) while.”
I was touched by her response because it makes me happy when my parents read my work. One of the main reasons why I started Financial Samurai was so that I could provide another way for my family to communicate since we live all over the country.
But, I was also sad to hear her response because I never like to think about death. Every time someone or a pet passes away, my heart sinks to my stomach and I don't want to do anything for days.
This was our fourth e-mail exchange about me refusing and her insisting. In the end, I decided to deposit her check and figure out a way to make good use of her money.
What I realize now as a parent of two young children is that we want EVERYTHING for our children. Parents are willing to do anything and give anything to make our kids happy. Further, what's the point of giving money to our children after we are dead? It's much better to give money to our children while we are alive to help them in need and gain satisfaction that we are helping them.
As a result, my mom has continued to contribute to both my children's 529 college education plans. I no longer feel as much money guilt because her contributions are making her happy and giving her purpose.
Using My Mother's Money Wisely
One of the reasons why my mom is amazing is because she is so selfless. She's not wealthy, but she always gives her money away to causes she believes in and people she cares about. She is always thinking of other people first. Y
ou know the type of person who spend hours preparing an amazing meal, but never gets to eat any of it because she's always up and about to make sure your glass is full and the food is warm? That's my mom. We've got to insist she relax and join us often times.
She doesn't need much money at all to be happy. I'm sure she could live off $1,000 a month in retirement and not have any problems whatsoever thanks to zero debt. To be content with so little is a wonderful gift I strive to emulate as I get older.
I have to imagine that all any parent wants for their children is happiness and to feel like they still have a positive influence in their lives. So I thought long and hard about the best way to honor my mother with her contribution until I finally came up with an idea.
By the time everything is done with my house, I'll probably end up spending at least $100,000 in remodeling costs. It's an old house that needs a lot of work, but I knew what I was getting myself into when I first bid on the property.
Here's what I wrote my mom,
“Thanks mom. OK, I have cashed your check! Thank you! I will use it to pay for our new roof that is 25 years old and falling apart! A new roof costs a lot and should last for a long while.
Feel great knowing that you have literally provided a roof over my head and my future family's head! We will name it “Mom's Roof” and it will always be there to protect us. :O)”
As soon as I hit send, I began to cry. I was touched by her generosity, but I was also reminded that nothing lasts forever. Mom's Roof will eventually need to be changed in 15-20 years. By then, I'll be 52-57 years old and I hope both my parents will still be around.
Make Money Count
Accepting gifts from parents will always be difficult for me. I just want to give back to them and make them happy instead. But when I ask my mom if she needs any help, she always says “no.”
My father is very frugal as well, and has carefully planned out their financial needs. The best I can do is to stay out of trouble, stay in touch, and keep on going.
If you suffer from money guilt, I think the best thing you can do is honor the opportunities you have. Don't waste them because there are literally millions of people out there who don't have the same chances.
Work your hardest and don't take your good fortune for granted. Take more risks because others can't afford to. Accept financial assistance with humility and figure out a way to honor the helper. Find ways to give back.
Sooner or later your money guilt will be replaced with fulfillment. I'll let you know when my feelings change.
Reader Questions And Suggestions
Readers, do you suffer from money guilt? Do you ever wonder “why me and not them”? What are the things you do to overcome your money guilt? Do you have a difficult time accepting money from your parents as an adult? How is money viewed in your culture between generations?
Listen and subscribe to The Financial Samurai podcast on Apple or Spotify. I interview experts in their respective fields and discuss some of the most interesting topics on this site. Please share, rate, and review!
For more nuanced personal finance content, join 65,000+ others and sign up for the free Financial Samurai newsletter. Financial Samurai is one of the largest independently-owned personal finance sites that started in 2009. Everything is written based off firsthand experience.
Me, I feel guilty for the wealth I have now, but not for the same reasons as you, personally my parents were over-indebted (alone my mother worked), there was not enough in the fridge to eat correctly, they didn’t paid for me the university or other schools and didn’t want to support me morally in my studies (it was even the opposite), I remember having paid myself the school canteen in high school, and when I no longer had enough money, I stopped eating directly the morning and at noon (I only ate the evening). Around 30 years old, I started to help my parents financially and others, my father died 2 years ago, and he had me disinherited. I don’t know if he’s proud of me or not for my career, and I never will know it.
No matter, I feel guilty for of my wealth towards my mother, my sister and my friends, even if they have of good jobs, but they are just in the lower middle class, they have never traveled in the world, haven’t of luxury : cars, house, jewelry, or artworks… So really they don’t know what I own, and anyway in my country the peoples hate the rich. I already tried to help of people but generally they don’t listen nothing, so it’s like that, it’s the life.
I’m working on my guilt everydays, without really being able to change anything about this situation, just I learning to live with ;)
I really appreciated reading your post. I grew up in an upper middle class in Europe but since I had 4 siblings there was never too much extra available. My parents were pretty frugal and my dad took the decision to retire early at 55 (not as early as you but I believe you can relate).
Of all my siblings I had the most underwhelming undergraduate education. After that I worked my socks off, went to a top grad school and after 12 years made my way to private equity. I was just promoted and will earn this year $1.2 million (not including LT carry). I am doing all the right things (saving for early retirement … my goal is 52/53 max) but I my earnings is still hitting me like a ton of bricks. My wife tells me I worked hard and deserve it. I nevertheless feel tremendous guilt. I can rationalize this income for a doctor or a law partner. In my situation I feel it is wrong. Very weird.
This is my problem. I feel guilty for all I have but the feedback I get is that just giving to family w less doesn’t make them feel good. How do they know? Makes me feel good. Or less guilty.
Sam, reading this touches my heart. As a Chinese (from Malaysia), your mom gave you the money as her way to show her love and in her own way of doing her duty as a mother providing for her child.
Although I am 47, I still accepts the Ang pows (red packet) my moml gives out for my birthday and during the Chinese New Year. She is retired.
Even though I am financially okay, I still accept her gesture of not rejecting her gift as I believe it is her way of showing her love and duty as a parent
Dear Sam, thanks for this post! Right now I’m suffering from terrible guilt and anxiety regarding money given to me by my parents for tuition. While I was always a good kid, tried hard, and was very successful in my undergrad, following college, it was harder to get any full time work than I’d anticipated. As a result I freelanced, worked part time, and did carious seasonal work to save for grad school. I also was awarded a large sum of funding that basically covers my rent, but my mom insisted on paying my tuition fees. Even though I’m a careful spender, and will repay every cent once I graduate, and will still have emergency funds in savings following the year, I can’t get over the terrible guilt that they’ve loaned me this money. Sometimes I can’t even sleep at night. Are there any ways to overcome this? Thanks! Emily
It’s important to tell your parents thank you. All they want is what’s best for you. Give them updates on what you are doing and tell them how hard you are working to make them proud. All they want to do is see you HAPPY! Parents would rather spend their money on their children while alive than after they are gone.
Thanks so much for replying! Of course you’re right, and my mother’s always invested in us both emotionally and financially, which is why she gave me the money in the first place. Lately I’ve been avoiding Skyping because of guilt pangs, but you’re right; I think she’d appreciate knowing that I’m doing well and am (mostly) happy and productive. Thanks again for the advice!!
No problem. The guilt you feel can be harnessed to do great good and to not take anything or anybody for granted.
All the best!
Sam
Thanks again! Great advice! Cheers, Emily
another way of looking at it:
feeling guilty about spending money your parents earned is a tiny step in a process that goes back to the first monetary exchange in the sequence. we feel more emotion in relation to our parents because they are near to us, we see them and love them as human beings worthy of care and regard. but the billions of people before them in the chain become more and more invisible to us, we do not think about them, and therefore there is no emotional charge for us. but they are really no different than our parents, no less worthy or respect and fair treatment. but when we fail to see that, we focus instead on our immediate desires to possess and protect and benefit ourselves and those close to us, forgetting all the rest. but the whole chain represents benefiting from the sweat and struggle of others except each step up the chain gets a higher upper hand and a higher profit. we feel guilty doing this to our immediate family, but generally remain blind to the fact that we do this to our greater human family with every profit driven transaction and with every hoarding of wealth. it is the narrow view, the ignorance, that seems to fuel a profit ecomony. perhaps we are more comfortable feeling occassional guilt and shame from time to time than giving up our starbucks latte and sweatshop-made clothes and technological gadgets. the focus is on our momentary emotional discomfort rather than the suffering and poverty of those whose feelings remain perpetually silent and ignored. thoughts and responses?
for me the guilt about money relates more to the profit-system that seems to exploit the have-nots through inequitable exchange (the mechanism of profit). it is a win-lose scenario in any capitalist exchange. the more one person wins, the more power they have to continue winning. and when wealth is subsequently accumulated, with no one using it except bankers taking the profit system and making it exponentially more inequitable for the poor…it appears to amount to a form of violence and indignity to our human community and the planet we exploit as a resource rather than as our home and co-existent organism. i dont blame anyone in particular. it is a system that we have inherited through culture, and our origins are essentially brutal and tribal as a political species. this is the real source of guilt and shame for me. and i have yet to discover a way to resolve it in a world where most people are only focused on themselves. even this article only seems to focus on the social status and feelings about social status, of people caught in the money system. it is about personal family rather than global human family. these conversations rarely go deeper to the underlying issue, which is one of subjugation and exploitation and basic inequity. i dont have an answer, but am curious if anyone has contemplated this issue themselves?
Take another bong rip.
I’m not sure what you mean by this comment, but I assume it is something disrespectful and dismissive. Which is fine, if you want to behave like an ass.
Just read an article about migrants breaking there backs supplying our way of life. Another reminder of what a terrible person I am for being financially secure. I’m generous Like my Father was but it’s not enough. I do feel joy when I give. It’s a passion. At times, exhausting.
You mention the focus on family…I don’t have one. If I did, I would cherish every moment “living” instead of worrying, feeling guilt, shame, gut wrenching sadness for humankind. Money is worthless with out family to love. It’s just life support.
Hi. I think about these issues a lot and feel sad. I feel like trying to be a more loving person and support initiatives such as social justice movements, environmental regulation, and fair trade initiatives is helpful. I think that some of not treating our planet and all of humanity in a loving way is just a reflection of our consciousness. I am trying to be loving and functional and not get overwhelmed by the greed and destruction. There are a lot of loving, generous people.
[…] as I made my way back home, I started feeling guilty about my living situation. So, I went online again and drove for another […]
I do at times have guilt over accepting family money. It’s mainly because my parents are frugal Asian immigrants, who never made much money but have recently joined the 2 comma club. I’m an only child and they love to spoil me with gifts of money. They are typically small gifts ($100), but I did receive a 5% down payment for our townhome as a gift, which was very generous.
Looking into the future, if I were to receive any inheritance from them, I’d feel guilty spending that. Mainly because I know they achieved that money by NOT spending. Also, part of me only wants to spend money that I actually earn myself in my career.
But I also could see myself “paying it forward” to my own kid. That would help me justify spending that money.
[…] folks! Plenty of people don’t even have electricity, let alone internet access. We’ve talked in depth about money guilt in the past, and I think it’s good exercise to continue talking about money guilt as we […]
[…] always thought I was way too lucky to deserve the income I earned during my career in finance. All I did was study hard, get on a 6am […]
[…] people who constantly give a crap and feel the most guilt are likely some of the most stressed out people you’ll ever meet. They might be wonderful […]
[…] I now wonder whether the reason why I stayed at my firm for 11 consecutive years is because of my predisposition to feel guilty whenever something good happens to […]
Very cool of your Mom and Glad you can put on a roof – You put on the “right” roof though and you won’t out live it ;-).
My family was middle class from the time I was born until about 12 years when we got very poor. We were so poor in fact, that at times we had to eat rotten food. I therefore, do not suffer from any guilt. I am just so overwhelmed with the amount of food at my disposal and just started accepting, after almost 20 years, that I can have food any time I want to. My parents no longer give me money because I have enough of my own and also because in my culture, children are the ones who are supposed to give their parents money. It is frowned upon if it is the other way round. However, my parents give a lot of their time to us their children through helping with e.g. supervising our building projects and running errands when needed.
I am very grateful for what I have and what my parents and siblings now have.
I am not from a very rich family and my parents were not able to afford me everything as I demanded. As a kid, I always used to think that they does not love me enough. After getting into the professional life, I know how hard it is and the problems my parents faced. Now I feel really sorry.
Great article, Sam!
I’m currently sitting on a check from my Mom for my 35th birthday a few weeks back. She’s currently unemployed and it doesn’t feel right to cash the check. However maybe it shouldn’t be my choice, maybe I should accept her gift graciously and think of a proper way to use it – perhaps on her the next time she visits or in a way that honors something she appreciates.
Thanks for helping me think it through!
Money guilty was a problem that cost me a lot of money. When I was younger I felt it was not right for me to have more money than others.
I overcome this limitation when I realized something that can be summarized by this famous quote by Grant Cardone: “Success is your duty, obligation, responsibility.” This idea really moves me to get the most out of what I got from life.
Thanks for your story, If not the best, this is one of the best posts of Financial Samurai!
Robert
I feel guilty all the time…..my parents give me money for Christmas and birthdays and I always just cash the check. But I do feel bad because I know that I/we make far more than they ever have. I always tell them to spend it on our kids if they want or write a check and I will put it in the kids college funds. :)
I feel more guilt these days when I realize how much I have and how unfortunate other people are in both our local community and elsewhere in the world and country. I just started thinking that I need to help other people in our local community and am going to start trying to figure out the best way for me and my family to do so. We are so fortunate that we make what we do and although I attribute it to hard work and discipline, I feel bad for others who are not as fortunate as we are.
Very nice post. My parents would give the shirts off of their backs but they didn’t ever have any money to give us kids. I do however relate to your mom as I try to do the same for my kids now. As far as money guilt I use to think there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have any guilt but I got over it. I don’t have a massive portfolio, just enough to pay my lifestyle cost. I came from low income and feel empathy for those in this world trapped by poverty that isn’t of their own doing. We do donate what we can and maybe that is from a subconscious guilt. I guess a little more self-assessment is in order.
Sam,
Great story there. Sounds like you have wonderful parents. :)
I’m extremely grateful for what I have, but I don’t feel any guilt about it. I’ve both incredibly poor (grew up in a drug house in Detroit) and I’ve been fairly well off for my education and age (where I’m at now). I worked hard to get to where I’m at, but I also got lucky in certain ways.
That being said, I also believe that even if all the wealth were redistributed many people would end up right back where they’re at now. So I don’t feel guilty about my situation; however, I do hope to one day be a position of substantial philanthropy many years from now.
Best regards!
That was a very heartwarming story, thank you.
My parents don’t make that much (probably in the low-middle income bracket), but they get by with their frugality. My dad always gives me money when I see him and I too want to refuse it because I make so much more. But I accept it, for the same reasons you outlines. Maybe it’s an Asian thing.
I am frequently given money for my kids by both my parents and my aunt, and it’s something I struggle with but have learned to accept, following a conversation a few years ago with my aunt. She had just given me the usual envelope with cash in it, and I tried to give it back to her, saying that I really wanted her to go out and spend the money herself on whatever it was that would bring her the most pleasure and enjoyment. She silenced me by replying “That’s exactly what I’m trying to do, and you won’t let me”.
Very nice and touching story. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure you know that money and career are important, but not as important as family. As we get older, I think it’s imperative to spend more time with parents and get to know them better, not just as parents, but as people. They had hopes and dreams when they were young and often times have made sacrifices for the sake of their children so that we can receive unconditional love and raised us to become good people. Sounds like your mom raised you correctly and instilled the right values to be a good human being.
Great article. I read your blogs everyday , it has become a routine. Every Xmas my parents give me about $50 in a envelope. I know it’s not a lot and I tell them not to get me anything, I make more money than my parents and they are not in the best financial situation ,but my mom feel like I’m still her little boy and I should use the money . I guess it makes you realize that your parents will do anything for you and all you can do is just spend time with them and love them .
Sam,
Unlike all the other commenters above, I have absolutely no money guilt. Even after getting a job while in college ( graduated debt free as a computer engineer) , borrowed money from my parents ( who are very well off by Indian standards) , for apartment deposits and other things.My parents paid for my schooling , college expenses ( just living expenses , I studied on full merit) , paid for my wedding , made investments in real estate and other things in my name. I’m very, very grateful to God for giving me such a set of loving parents, but I have absolutely no guilt over the money they spent on me nor thought about repaying it back.
While working in the States , I have sent them quite a bit of money and never asked what they did it ( most probably put it in my name).So when I go to vacation in India, i take them out on expensive vacations,stay at expensive resorts,eat out at nice places,buy them electronic gadgets and try to be a overall good son to them.I also contribute to charities that they work with and donate to.
Guilt ? Absolutely none,just gratitude.