If you love your spouse, you'd make them financially independent. If you don't truly love your spouse, then you'd make them depend on you for all their financial needs.
Depending on someone for money is a terrible feeling. Imagine being a grown adult and returning home to live with your parents after four years of college. Every time you go out, you've got to ask them for a couple bucks to buy a loaf of bread or more likely, beer money to hang out with your buddies.
Now imagine marrying someone, giving up your job to raise a family, and being entirely dependent on your working spouse for all your spending needs. A common situation, but is it ideal? I think not.
It's one thing to depend on someone for money as a kid. However, it's another thing to be dependent on someone as an adult with so much education and experience.
For all this talk about the desire for financial independence, it's odd that some couples aren't willing to establish separate financial accounts to allow each other more freedom. There should be a concurrent quest to build your couple's finances together and separate.
My Husband Is A Rich Controlling Miser
I recently received an e-mail from a reader who highlights the point about the importance of financial independence in a marriage. I asked her to elaborate her thoughts on the subject after her initial e-mail, and this is what she wanted me to share. She clearly loves her spouse, but she has issues too.
Sam,
It's been a while since we last corresponded, but I wanted to drop in and say how much I agree with you regarding the importance of having separate financial accounts.
My husband and I are worth about $4 million, up from $900,000 in 2012. Last year, he made over $1 million from his business, but you would never know it.
We live in a house worth less than 40% of our annual gross income, while some people spend 3-5X their annual income on a house. We have a 10+ year old car and he prefers to bike everywhere.
I've been a stay at home mother for the past 10 years. I help out with our business where I can. However, between picking up our daughter from school and shuttling her between activities, I admittedly don't do a large amount of business work as I used to. It's his baby.
I've been with my husband since the business first started. For years, we hardly made any money and I was his support system. I did a lot of the grunt work in the beginning to help lift the business off the ground.
I was also a happy, independent woman who had a day job before our daughter was born. Having my own paycheck to spend is liberating.
Despite the rise in our wealth and our income, I felt trapped. We only have joint accounts with different spending habits. My husband is a miser who wants me to run all expenditures by him first. We're talking about even a $25 toy for our daughter.
If I spent $1,000 more a month, it wouldn't make a dent to our budget. We only spend about $4,000 a month and pull in over $100,000 a month. However, to him, spending $1,000 more a month would be a big “no no.” That would would be a 25% increase. That's right, spending more than 5% of our monthly income is way too much for him to handle. That cheap bastard.
My Husband Is Too Frugal!
He simply cannot let go of his excessively frugal ways, even if it was hurting our relationship. As you know, being a stay at home parent is hard work. I resent having to “ask for permission” before buying anything, even it's for our family.
My husband spends more time on his business and on his hobbies than he does with me and his daughter. He's always jockeying to promote his business by doing interviews and TV spots. It's nauseating how full of himself he is.
He tells people publicly how little he cares about money to justify his parsimonious ways. But in secret, he is money crazy. All he wants is more of it!
Given our differences, I decided to get a divorce after 15 years of marriage. It was a tough call but I'm much happier to have my freedom back.
He bought another house close by while my daughter and I stay in our original home to reduce disruption. I think you called it “bird nesting.” I call it stupidity because it was an unnecessary $300,000 expense if we would have worked things out.
He can hoard his money as he pleases. I'm now free to do as I please with half our assets.
Regards,
Financially Free
Love Your Spouse: File For Divorce
If you haven't figured it out by now, money is one of the top 10 reasons why couples divorce. Financial dependence is the worst!
The other reasons include: infidelity, lack of communication, constant bickering, weight gain, unrealistic expectations, lack of intimacy, lack of equality, not being prepared for marriage, and abuse.
If you have one spouse making all the money, there will naturally be a lack of equality, no matter how much you believe there isn't.
It's like a couple owning a car. If one spouse only has the keys, that spouse determines their destination most of the time.
Think about the power dynamics in the workplace and how it is frowned upon for managers to date their subordinates. Think about the #MeToo Movement.
If you want to control your spouse, then feel free to make more money and throw up checkpoints before every dollar can be spent. The lack of equality between spouses is a bigger problem than society recognizes.
No wonder why divorce is so common among wealthy people.
Ways To Make Your Spouse Financially Independent
- Marry. Marriage brings about stability for the less wealthy spouse. Assets accumulated after the marriage will be divided equally in a divorce. Alternatively, assets will be distributed based on the conditions of the prenup. A spouse will also receive their deceased spouse's Social Security benefits.
- Sign a prenuptial agreement. Although not romantic, a prenuptial agreement helps protect the less wealthy spouse in case of a divorce through not fault of their own. The longer the marriage, the more at risk financially a non-working spouse becomes. The greater the net worth difference before marriage, the greater the importance of a prenuptial agreement.
- Establish independent financial accounts. Independent financial accounts should be additions to a couple's main joint accounts. The independent accounts should be seen as “pressure release valves.” They give each spouse the freedom to spend as they choose.
- Create a business and give ownership. A business is a separate legal entity that can have whatever ownership structure you want. One way to create more equality is to give a greater percentage of ownership to the spouse who earns less or doesn't earn at all. Not only does this show good faith, but a higher ownership structure might also motivate the spouse to work hard at building the business.
- Contribute extra to their retirement accounts. If one spouse has less in his or her retirement accounts, the other spouse can contribute more to create more balance. Given you can't contribute to someone else's 401(k), it's best to help build your spouse's after-tax investment accounts. You can, however, elect to contribute more to your child's 529 plan.
- Pay down their debt. Paying down one spouse's credit card and/or student loan debt upon first entering a marriage is a very strong gesture. Even if there continues to be an income imbalance, the spouse whose debt was paid off will feel incredibly liberated and appreciative.
- Assign an income to the SAH parent. If one spouse works and another spouse is a stay at home parent, then assign an income amount for the stay at home parent. No job is more important than taking care of a child. Therefore, the stay at home parent should be paid top dollar. Do an honest assessment of the number of hours the SAH parent works in a 24-hour period. A six-figure income for a SAH parent is completely reasonable, especially if the household lives in a high cost of living area.
- Make sure your kids are financially taken care of. Even if your marriage doesn't make it, it's important for your children to always be taken care of. This means funding a 529 college savings plan, opening up a custodial Roth IRA, writing a will, creating a death file, and potentially setting up a revocable living trust. Your spouse becomes becomes more financial independent when they no longer have to worry about their children.
- Create A SLAT (Spousal Lifetime Access Trust). A SLAT is an irrevocable trust where one spouse makes a gift into a trust to benefit the other spouse (and potentially other family members) while removing the assets from their combined estates. All appreciation of transferred assets are not subject to estate taxes.
Love Your Spouse: Set Your Partner Free
I've seen too many divorces where the wife ended up in financial turmoil because she had sacrificed her career for her husband and family. Then they broke up. Being out of the workforce for years makes finding work difficult. I know, as someone who retired in 2012 and began looking for work in 2023. You have to prove to your interviewers you've got what it takes to hit the ground running.
By helping make your spouse independently wealthy, no matter what happens to your relationship, your spouse will always be fine. This is true love. Besides, marrying your equal is better than marrying rich. It's better to come from nothing and build your wealth together.
The key is to be selfless and think about the bigger picture. Don't be that rich, miserly, ex-husband as one reader described above. Having millions of dollars but nobody to spend it with is sad.
Financial freedom is a wonderful gift to give. When I helped my wife negotiate a severance in 2015, I was thrilled for her. Before 2015, she was so focused on climbing the corporate ladder. But she was passed over for a promotion one year and it crushed her spirit. When she finally left, it was the most incredible feeling for both of us.
Now that I'm 47, I've been focused on decumulating my wealth more. And as I reflect on the best ways to decumulate wealth, I've decided that giving my wife the freedom from work is one of the best. At the time, it felt scary for both of us to be unemployed. But more than nine years later, things have worked out.
If you seek financial independence, then you must also give financial independence. Strive for equality every day. This is the best way to love your spouse.
Short Cut To Making Your Spouse Financial Independent
The first step to making your spouse financially independent is by making them financially literate and motivated. You can do so by gifting them a copy of my new book, Millionaire Milestones: Simple Steps to Seven Figures. With over 30 years of experience working in, studying, and writing about finance, I’ve distilled everything I know into this practical guide to help you achieve financial success.
Here’s the truth: life gets better when you have money. Financial security gives you the freedom to live on your terms and the peace of mind that your children and loved ones are taken care of.
Millionaire Milestones is your roadmap to building the wealth you need to live the life you’ve always dreamed of. Order your copy today and take the first step toward the financial future you and your spouse deserve!
Love Your Spouse And Keep Track Of Your Finances
The best way to build financial harmony is by tracking your finances together. To do so, sign up with Empower, the best free financial tool online. I've used Empower with my wife to track our finances since 2012 and it has been a huge help.
Before Empower we had to log into eight different systems to track 35 different accounts. Now we can just log into Empower to see how my stock accounts are doing. I can easily track my net worth and spending as well.
Empower's 401(k) Fee Analyzer tool is saving me over $1,700 a year in fees. Finally, there is a fantastic Retirement Planning Calculator to help you manage your financial future.
Love your spouse and track your finances together!
Invest In AI And Private Growth Companies For Your Kids
Today, one of the things I stress about is whether artificial intelligence will take away my kids' future jobs. The world is already ultra competitive thanks to globalization and technological advancements. Now AI has the potential to wipe away millions of jobs in 20 years.
Because I care for my kids, I've come up with a solution. I am actively investing in private and public AI-related companies as a hedge. If AI does revolutionize the world over the next 20 years, then my AI investments have a high likelihood of making a positive return. If not, then my kids will at least have decent jobs after so many years of education.
I recommend checking out the Fundrise venture product that invests in AI companies and only has a $10 minimum. Specifically, the fund invests in the following five sectors:
- Artificial Intelligence & Machine Learning
- Modern Data Infrastructure
- Development Operations (DevOps)
- Financial Technology (FinTech)
- Real Estate & Property Technology (PropTech)
Roughly 65% of Fundrise's private growth investments are in artificial intelligence, which I'm bullish about. After my kids are out of the house, I don't want them asking me why I didn't work in AI or invest in AI near the beginning!
Most venture capital funds have a $100,000+ minimum if you can get to invest in the first place. The InnovationFund only has a $10 minimum and you get to see what the fund is invest in first before deciding on how much to invest. Fundrise is a sponsor of Financial Samurai and Financial Samurai is an investor in Fundrise.
Related Posts:
The Average Net Worth For The Above Average Couple (net worth targets to shoot for)
How To Get Your Spouse To Work Longer So You Can Retire Earlier (fun post)
Solving The Happiness Conundrum In Five Moves Or Less
Join 70,000+ others and subscribe to my free newsletter to help you achieve financial freedom sooner, rather than later. Love your spouse and make them financially independent!
I stumbled upon your article on ” what should a woman ask for in a prenup, ” and it’s a fantastic resource. Your writing is clear and concise, and the information provided is essential for any woman who is considering a prenup. Thank you for sharing your knowledge on this topic.
Just wanted to chime in about a book that changed the way my husband and i talked about money: Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach. I was recommended this book by a friend early in my marriage and am forever grateful for it! Husband and i were already living together and having separate accounts for 5 years (with some money squabbles for sure!), but didnt know how to handle our finances after marriage. I read the book to him during a long-distance drive and using the book’s guidance, we made some crucial decisions together on how we would manage our money. Money conversations have gotten heck of a lot easier, even though i sometimes have to break the bad news of poorly performing funds. I would highly recommend couples to work through the book and talk about money, perhaps even before getting married (!) so you dont find out too late if you’re financially incompatible.
Sounds good! Not sure if you know this, but David Bach went through a divorce though. So it shows how difficult marriage and money is.
Well I’d have to assume that considering he is a financial guru and wrote a book that they divorced not due to finances? There’s probably a lot of other reasons couples divorce?
Sure, nobody knows for sure except for them.
“Sign a prenuptial agreement. Although not romantic, a prenuptial agreement helps protect the less wealthy spouse in case of a divorce through not fault of their own. The longer the marriage, the more at risk financially a non-working spouse becomes. The greater the net worth difference before marriage, the greater the importance of a prenuptial agreement.”
This seems counter intuitive to me. Can you explain? I married a wealthier man and soon had to give up my own lucrative professional career when his required a move across country. I retired to follow him. No income in 15 years. Pre-nup is horrible and provides a total of less than I would have earned in 2 years. How is that protecting the “less wealthy spouse”?
This is such an important topic! At the end of the day, both partners are “trapped” together in a marriage unless they have enough net worth as a couple for them to get divorced and still each be financially independent.
For this reason, my husband and I have decided to shoot for roughly double what we truly need to retire before quitting our lucrative careers. I hope we don’t ever divorce, but I’m 38 and he’s 44 – if we live another 56 decades who knows what will happen, what I may want, what he may want. I refuse to end up one of the many 50-something women having to go back to work after divorce after years if not decades outside the workforce, hoping to make half what I used to earn.
And for the record we both make about the same amount ($300-$400K) and share finances including just one joint checking account. But we both spend whatever we want on our individual credit cards (which get paid from the joint account, which is where all income, including gifts to me from my parents each year, are deposited). I had 5x the net worth he did when we married, but we opted against a prenup as we had no idea who would make more, if we’d have kids, who might raise them, etc. Part of the point of marrying for us was to build wealth together, and we have done that. But I still want to protect my future self to the extent possible.
Interesting topic .
In my case it’s exactly the opposite .
My wife wants me to spend more from our savings as she thinks life is short and wants to enjoy .
I am retired and depend on my 401k for monthly expenses . I try to explain to my wife that we need to be conservative in spending as I don’t want to outlive our savings .
I’m a little surprised that you connected this persons letter of divorcing their spouse to not having separate bank accounts and financial independence.
Let’s be real… they would have still divorced.
It seems to me the answer might be a little more obvious:
They didn’t share the same core values.
Separate accounts for this couple would have only led to dishonesty and deceit (which there probably already was).
Different accounts and paying yourself or spouse a “salary” (aka an allowance) feels tactical at best, at worse it’s financial control.
Marrying someone whom shares your same core values, having open and honest dialogue, and being willing to compromise in times of disagreement seem like a much better recipe for a healthy marriage and joint financial plan.
I liked the last two comments a lot.
I was bothered by the tone of some of the previous comments, some people seemed to have much resentment towards their spouses, and the other gender.
Sam has always respected Sydney and appreciates how much effort she puts into raising their children. He also enjoys caring for them. His children are so lucky.
I am 80 years old and have enjoyed all my life. I was extremely fortunate to have loving parents who encouraged me, a girl, to break the barriers. And a husband who has always been so supportive.
We got married at 22, first baby at 23 and now married for 58 years. We emigrated from the UK in 1982 and both started again.
On reflection, my mother especially was my driving force. As little debt as you can manage. The mortgage is the first one, house buy immediately. Graduate from university before you marry and go back to extend your qualifications.
But her main advice, which I have carried with me for all these years was that a woman, you have to be self sufficient. Always. So I worked till I was 75 to maximize MY SS. I loved teaching so that was no hardship. And I also maxed out my 403b account. And then maxed out MY Roth IRA. And I have worked for the past 5 years as a substitute teacher in my local school district. I got Covid money when I couldn’t work because of Covid. I still substitute now because it pays the grocery bills (as my husband says). And it benefits my city.
But it means that it benefits my husband because we have always pulled together.
Good advice from a woman whose husband was called up in 1938 and served till 1946 AND brought up 3 children AND paid the mortgage.
Me again.
I have always been horrified at the number of my female friends who don’t open retirement accounts but put all their incomes at their families’ disposal. Leaving employer money on the table and letting their husbands do the retirement contributions.
Ladies, you will be in poverty when you reach old age.
Please look out for yourself.
Hi Jo, I hope women pay attention to your message. I am easy to ignore since I am a man and people don’t want to be “mansplained.”
But as a husband and a father to a daughter, I really care about the financial independence of both partners in a relationship.
Maybe my goal should be to have this message given by a woman in the form of a future guest post. If you’re up for it, let me know!
Yes I will do it for you.
I am passionate about empowering women. People don’t realize that there are at least 2 parts to a partnership.
Thank you! My e-mail can be found in the About page towards the bottom.
This is another point to mention for your post:
“Women tend to live longer than men. Actually, that’s a financial downside as well, Whitney Pesek, director of childcare policy at the National Women’s Law Center, previously told Insider.
“While women end up with less retirement income than men, they also tend to usually need more retirement savings because women tend to live longer than men,” she said. “Women are more likely to be single later in life and have higher health costs than men as they age.”
Did Jo end up with a guest post? If so, what’s the link to it?
No, guest post. She didn’t follow through. Unfortunately, 99% of people who disagree, or want to share something different, and say they will follow through with a guest post, do not.
I think this is one time I might have to disagree with you a bit! My wife and I have no separate financial accounts at this point. I think if both spouses have a truly equal say in the financial management, and open lines of communication, the relationship can still be perfectly healthy. If my wife or I have to go over budget, we simply re-evaluate our current budget and if that was a one-time expense or if we genuinely have a need to increase the budget. With that being said, she is not a stay-at-home spouse yet. She has voiced the desire to do so in the future (once we have kids), which is perfectly fine with me. When that time comes, perhaps we’ll adapt to something more similar to what’s laid out here, but I think what will end up happening is that she’ll take a more active role in the finances and I can step back a bit (which is a load off of me, to be frank). However, I doubt we’ll have separate financial accounts.
As a secondary note, prenups are fantastic. Many think they kill the romance, but they open up communication a lot as you look towards marriage. Also, a prenuptial agreement can help BOTH people. A lot of people seem to view it as a way for one spouse to exert control over the other, but that’s simply not the case (unless you have exceptionally bad counsel, I suppose).
Also, I want to point out that separate accounts definitely has merit, and may work for some, but I’m not sold on it being a one-size-fits-all solution.
All good to disagree! Everyone should do what they think is best in their household.
But I would like you to send this post to your wife and ask her thoughts and let me know! Thanks
Got her to read it!
She wouldn’t actively recommend separate accounts, but she gets the thought process. I’m paraphrasing, but she basically said that the system which works for the couple – where both people feel like they’re having a say – is right for them. In her opinion the actual practice can vary wildly. In our case it isn’t separate accounts, but she said she can see why a lot of women want that depending on their partner or background.
She loved your comments on retirement accounts. Most people forget to make up some of the difference when a spouse stops working and loses access to things like a company match. We had even recently been discussing how we wanted to handle that too.
I am one of those 50yo women….out of the work force at least 20 yrs now…..having raised my kids already, 1 absolutely perfect grandson, blessed with family. Not so blessed with a fair marriage. My husband absolutely exerts power and control over me with his money. He admits to doing this, he won’t deny it. It turns out to be all kinds of bad treatments. I feel bad all the time about it. So the case really is that it CAN absolutely be the case.
I’ve been married to my husband now for 11 yrs. In this 11 yrs time I moved his parents 3 times out of city, handled the sales of those homes, found and handled the purchase of 3 homes, cared for his father’s pets, handled the sale of a home out of state, once they passed I took care of all the business side of things (remains/certificates/legal) whereas all the while while busting my ass for his family all the while I’m moved away from my kids (which I stayed home to raise for 20yrs), develop an aggressive form of breast cancer, chemotherapy, 5 surgeries, 2 of which almost took my life…… the whole 9 yards. I was dying. But I didn’t. I am cancer free today after 3 years of fighting it and 2 years of healing from the fight. Then COVID hit. Although fully vaxxed I, I fully got the virus. Not once……but twice. And hear I am today with symptoms of Long Covid (I get the distorted smell and fatigue).
It’s my birthday. Not just any birthday, my 50th. I haven’t had a special birthday in 10 years. Not one. I left him this morning after starting a fight with me at 5am as I’m packing our truck to leave on a road trip (all of us were going) us and 6 dogs with 2000 miles to destination. Confidence in his voice as he berates me with his first words of the day being “you need to walk the dogs in pairs. And today is no more special than any other day”.
That was it. No more. And with $90 in my account and $870k in his, a portion of that being mine from sale of our house last month. I am in a hotel with my dogs and he’s behind me 5 hrs. I don’t want him here yet he’s coming anyway.
Don’t ever say something is “simply not the case” when you have never experienced the “case” to begin with.
All true. And right now. 9/27/22
Happy birthday! And I’m thrilled you beat cancer! Hang in there and fight on! I’m sorry your husband has not treated you better. Thankfully, at age 50, you have years left to live a better life.
I’d guess that in a lot of marriages only one spouse takes care of the bulk of the finances. While that can work for some couples, I think it’s highly beneficial for both spouses to be involved. Perhaps not to the same degree, but the more aware each spouse is the better. And yes totally agree on finding ways for both spouses to be financially independent. Both spouses need to be on the same page with investment and financial goals for both short and long term success.
This is a great topic. My wife and I have been navigating this for over 25 years and once we realized certain things about each of our attitudes about money things made alot more sense and were easier to navigate. My wife has been employed most of the 25 years, but makes much less money annually than I do. We both took active roles in raising the kids, but for about 5-7 years she sacrificed career ambition to take a larger role in raising the kids. No an unusual story for a couple in their 50s.
I think it is important to identify the role of money for each person in a relationship as the starting point. For me, I learned in my 40s that money = security = freedom. I am a saver cause money in the bank is an “emotional buffer” that allows me to experience a certain amount of freedom. My job for many years was rather tenuous and a great fear was being laid off and my family suffering and not being provided for. Also, I needed to save a certain amount of money cause I always wanted to retire early – so if I wanted to retire early and feel secure, I/we really needed to save fairly aggressively. I won’t go too deep into it but some of this came from my parents attitude toward money growing up.
Of course, my wife didn’t share this view (LOL). A much freer spender. For many years it “felt” like she was disrespecting my goals but I eventually learned a simple fact that for her money didn’t equal security. She did not need to analyze every purchase cause for her money was not a value-laden thing, not connected to her goals (She loves her job and is fine working well into her 60s) and she didn’t fear being “without” – money held no value in an of itself at all, but just a mean to an end. No money = freedom connection. She was happy as long as she was doing what she enjoyed. I then realized how lucky I was to be married to such a wonderful person and how I could learn from her in many ways.
But anyway, in our earlier days when were not so self-aware, these attitudes would lead to our standard argument. Say she would buy plane tickets to florida. My approach would be to check prices on multiple airlines for multiple days and look for the best deal. If I could save 20% on tix, I would take a 7am flight instead of a more convenient mid-day flight. My wife would get online and find the first flight that leaves at a convenient time and purchase it – whether $350 or $600. For her, to spend the extra time and effort was not “worth it”. Better ways to spend her time. You could plug in anything other than airline tickets and same idea. Furniture? dog care? I am the deal hunter, she is not. I feel great when I can get six strip steaks on sale for the price of three. Nothing about that rings my wife’s bell.
So what happened? Well, once we discovered how money effects each of us she became more sensitive to my feelings. I will buy (or at least review with her) the big ticket items. She understood why I stressed out over something she had no stress over. For me, I needed to give up feeling of loss when she would spend $200 on a grocery bill where I would have spent $170. IT is just a matter of respecting eachother. Partnerships must compromise to survive. No two people are alike.
Many of the stories I am reading on here are about people who are using money = power. This is not good at all. They are using money to exert power over another, probably to make themselves feel better. This also likely reflects their views on the relationship. Many older men don’t view marriage as a partnership. They see their spouse as an appendage to themselves, unable to fathom different views or goals. It is unfortunate. For others, it appears that they are feeling so horrible about themselves, and so powerless in their relationship, that it is their last vestige of power to hang onto. Often that doesn’t end well either.
My only advice is that if you are in a relationship that is stressed over money, then reflect with you partner over how it functions emotionally for each of you. You may be able to use that knowledge to find a middle ground. If you are in a relationship where money = power, then that is a tougher one and a fresh start may be better. If it is you, get some therapy. Definitely, if you aren’t married yet and sense your partner uses money as a power play, probably run fast now. It likely won’t end well.
Thanks for sharing. And all good thoughts and recommendations.
“using money = power” – Unfortunately, money and power are often tied together. Hence, if we can give one spouse financial independence, we can give them more power too.
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I’m an avid reader of FS but must have missed when this article originally posted. Whoa! I rarely see this much negativity in the comments! Hopefully, we can see some happier comments on this lovely day.
To help my husband be financially independent, I purchased a 3-year old Toyota Tundra for him since he was a handyman and was constantly spending time fixing one thing or another on an old SUV. It wasn’t good for his business to have to reschedule appointments with clients due to car trouble. Then when we started purchasing investment properties, he was set as the sole proprietor for that business. He had already been fixing up other people’s investment properties so it just made sense for him to work for himself and reap the rewards.
My husband never asked for any money for the car or to start a business. Honestly, he was fine with life. He didn’t have any debt and lived a simple life. His house and car were paid off. I suppose when he met me, I wanted so much more out of life and because he loves me, he goes along with my crazy dreams.
Nothing better than having a partner who wants to go on your crazy journey together!
Life is so much easier as a team.
Looks like you struck and open nerve here, Sam.
My wife and I have a similar model to some of the commenters here. We talk about household finances monthly, but I never ask her if she feels trapped as a SAH mom.
Sounds like we need to have that conversation.
Thanks for the post.
No problem. Never hurts to check in and ask how she is feeling and what she might more of and less of, especially if your wife is non confrontational.
Heck, sometimes we don’t even know what we really want until we are shown the possibilities!
Great discussion. As a single woman I am especially grateful to be financially independent after a 15-year career slog. My parents have been married for over 50 years, both worked in similar jobs making the same money. Dad’s money was his money, to be spent on toys like multiple boats and fancy gadgets. Mom’s money was their money, to be spent on things like paying down the mortgage or buying a new appliance (that benefited them both; my mom was a wonderful cook). Their 50+ year marriage is honestly a cautionary tale to me. I pity my poor mom. She waited on him hand and foot, did all the housework, and even justified the dynamic with constant comments like “your father is so clever, we need to give him space to create/invest/etc.”
I remember my dad complaining to me about the $50 private dance lessons my mom wanted to take in retirement, the same year that he spent $90,000 on a large boat ($500/m in slip fees on top of that purchase). Again, their income was equal. My mom could have and should have had “her own” money so she also could have indulged in a fun purchase on occasion, and without attitude from my dad.
I would like to have a partner one day but I will run from any situation that reminds me of my parents’ marriage. Separate finances all the way, even if I end up with a man who has far more assets/earning potential than me. I have more than I need to be happy already, so eyeing the assets/income of my SO is just…foreign.
Thanks for sharing your story.
“Dad’s money was his money, Mom’s money was their money” – insightful! Reminds me of the Joy Luck Club scene where the husband insisted on every expense to be split 50/50, yet he made way more.
I’m all for empowering all women to be financially independent and have the freedom they deserve! I hope this for my daughter as well!
This would be funny if it wasn’t true. So many ethnic men as well as Christian evangelicals don’t want their wives to be independent.
This comment us malicious and false. It should be removed.
Let her put her ignorance on display for everyone to see. No need to censor – we have way too much of that these days.
As to the article at hand, separate accounts cause significant issues in many marriages as well. And whether you have separate accounts is irrelevant in most divorces. I’d also be interested in getting the husband’s POV and their actual true spend history – I would bet the story is no where near as one sided and moderate chance it’s nearly the complete opposite. People justify a lot of stuff in a divorce that simply isn’t true.
What are the significant issues of having separate accounts with joint accounts?
Few major issues off the top of my head but plenty of smaller ones
1) You have to debate over every joint spending issue whom is contributing to what, especially if one of the two parties is always broke from spending their $ and the other is a saver. This can lead to seriously inconsistencies with joint family goals when its a your money / my money scenario. I can’t imagine trying to save up a lot of money for a house in this scenario if one of the two spouses is a huge spender and never saves. Or who covers the new roof?
2) In most states, the money is joint in terms of separation/divorce regardless of whose name its in, so if you have one saver and one spender, the saver gets screwed in the divorce (and a pre-nup won’t always save you, and most folks don’t have one anyway)
3) Can lead to ill will if one spouse’s career takes off much faster than the other. When my wife and I got married, we each made about $30k a year. She stopped working (no kids, just hated working) about 5 years ago at $36k/yr while I was at $350k/yr at that point and now over half a million a year. I can’t even imagine how ackward our relationship would be if I saved nearly all of my money for myself and just contributed to joint spending items – spending that I also would have a large and equal say over.
Similarly, not every person wants to work a corporate job and not having a joint everything really hinders that. One spouse may want to be a stay at home parent. Another may want to go do volunteer work or start a side hussle (and the other spouse is good with any of these options)
4) I’ve found savers help spenders live a better, more balanced life and spenders help savers live a better balanced life.
Like all thing in a marriage, communication is the most important thing. I prefer joint everything even though it “hurts” me financially on a personal level, but drastically increases my wife’s happiness and therefore our overall happiness. If folks want separate fun money accounts that’s one thing but main separate accounts I think leads to more issues than not for most couples (although as always with most things, YMMV)
Of course it’s false. It’s false because it’s incomplete! There are many more cohorts that feel similarly. Most of us could write the same statement with sets of two completely different groups who hold these views. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason: they hold a lot of truth.
Ideas based on false premises will always fail. Men and women are not the same, each has their own strengths and weaknesses. There is a reason a dowry was part of marriage for centuries…
I created a SLAT (Spousal Lifetime Access Trust) for my wife that she is the trustee of. I have no control over it. It is hers and her beneficiary’s for the next 300 years (Texas). She can withdraw any amount she wants whenever she wants, and is truly financially independent.
Great addition. Thanks for sharing the SLAT.
In regards to this subject, a man has no right to claim that making their wives financially dependent but giving them more work to do if they have children. It’s like a man making decisions about birth, abortion and birth control. It’s not your place. I don’t understand men, do you not understand… we give you our youth, our body to have children and you have the nerve to tell us your doing us a favor by giving us more work? Men need to suffer. I’m so sick of this.
Women should be financially dependent on men! How dare the author encourage men to be financial independent and have financial freedom.
Amen! You are so tight! After 35 years of raising our 2 children , working a 40+ hour week job, and taking care of my husband’s every need including working inside our house we decided I’d stop working and travel with him for his work as a power lineman. The first 2 yrs was great. Then I got sick with cancer and it all went to hell. Along with his midlife crisis and his need to make his truck faster and the stereo louder I became upset that we never spent any time together. When he is was home he was sleeping. I grew lonely. My treatments for cancer demanded I stay in 1 place for healing. When his shorter than ever before paychecks were deposited he would smart off comments about him working and how I sat on my behind. Not making any money. Then he started hitting me telling me to do eave demanding a divorce . Everytime I’d question him about his short working hours he’d come back at me asking what I did the previous week to earn money. Nothing was my reply. My state approved insurance costed him nothing as well as my medication. Life became unbearable. And that’s where I am now.
Sorry I’m late to this party but have to comment. I’ve been with my wife 13 years and we have a wonderful seven year old daughter. I am the only one working and who can drive. We have one car which is pretty expensive with the insurance and payment and the rent plus other bills. I barely make 35k a year and am trying to do side hustles for extra cash. I get up go to work get home eat clean the house… you read that right. Clean the litter box etc etc. spend time with the kiddo. I go to sleep at 12 sometimes wake up at 5 am. I do everything! If I even dare bring up how I clean and need help she starts a huge fight. I do laundry it sits unless I put it away or do it. I’m beyond stressed but do it for my child. My wife basically sits all day. Than she starts projects and side businesses but never follows through. It’s exhausting. Sorry.:: it’s a lot. I’m really at my wits end. She also gets mad if I want to spend some of my hard earned money. And gets mad if I fall asleep at 10 pm because I’m exhausted. She’s a good mom. Just a lousy bossy wife. I don’t like to argue because of our child so I always usually bite my tongue. Any advice ? If I leave she won’t have a place to live. And I can’t let that happen. I’m so unhappy sometimes but I’d never let her go without. That would be pretty rotten. (Sigh)
Aiden, I really would suggest couples counseling as it sounds like the two of you aren’t communicating well. You are teaching your little girl that this is what a healthy relationship looks like and it doesn’t sound healthy from what you described. Do you want your daughter to grow up and treat her spouse the same way? Or be treated the same way you are?
“do it for my child”
*Our* child.
“my hard earned money”
You’re married, it’s her hard-earned money, too, actually.
“lousy bossy wife”
Yikes.
Please see a couples counselor and talk through what’s happening together. Therapy is expensive but divorce costs way more and since you’re the bread-winner you’ll be footing the bill for her to divorce you if things don’t work out.
GTFO. Aiden, Evie has ZERO valid points. The counselor is going to teach you how to bury your feelings deep down inside so you dont off yourself so your wife can still collect a paycheck by claiming dominance over you.
The situation you’ve presented sounds clearly toxic and parasitic, not mutually beneficial. The one point Evie did make is in your mind you are already starting to detach yourself from the relationship, which with the current situation what reasonable human wouldn’t? She has to be presented with the situation of contribution, how do you contribute to this “Relationship”? If she has a problem with it then you know she is upset at you for having thoughts about making her contribute. That is toxic, and your child shouldn’t be brought up in such environment or they are going to think this is okay practice. Don’t let these people fool you, it is okay to be happy. Life is short and we only get one shot at it, don’t be on your death bed wondering why was I so miserable.
Good Luck Pal. Evie, keep your feminist bs to yourself.
You are a good man and great father. Sounds lie you are very unappreciated. She definitely is taking you for granted. If she had a husband like mine that punched her then she would appreciate you. My husband does nothing but go to work and come home. I’ve never asked him to out away laundry or help in any household chores that’s women’s work. The husband is to make money and take care of house repairs and now the lawn is how I was raised. . somewhere along the lines my husband was abducted by aliens and for a couple years I prayed they would return him but I know that’s not happening. Do I’m waiting til my cancer either kills me or I get better to leave him. God bless u dear. You deserve better.
LMAO – financially free from half of his hard work and money. Typical.
I would love to go back to work. I don’t want to be financially free with someone else’s money.
I worked since I was a teenager, when I met my husband 4 years ago I was very happy with my job. I had a great career, not making lots of money but it was enough for me. I was happy and at peace.
My husband after we got married didn’t allow me to work, to go to school, to do anything where other men are. He is saying that a wife should not be around other men.
I am a professional dog trainer and love what I do, but he cuts my wings.
He controls everything, what I wear, what I spend the money on …
He even wanted to control what I watched.
I moved away from my family and friends quit my job, it was a mistake. The control is nauseating. He calls me names when I disagree with him, when I voice my opinion.
He calls me lazy because he is saying that he is giving me the greatest gift a girl can get from a man…the ability to not work for someone else. Lol. I have to say that I was happier getting up at 5 am and going to work. I can’t appreciate something that is forced onto me. I never have cash, I do have a debit card which he controls. Qhen I took cash back one time I was called a “C…”. He yells in my face that he isbthe boss, that its his house etc. When I try to talk to him about letting me go to work he is saying that he will divorce me and I will get nothing. I moved to a different country for him, and he used the immigration paper work to control me as well. I had 4 dogs when we met, still have them and all I hear is how he paid for them how he made it happen that they can run free on 5 acres bla bla…I still want to pay for their vet and food and our food. Why can’t he see that this is destroying our marriage? I guess he doesn’t care, he will go to the next one. I dream about freedom, about this heavy something on my chest to go away.
Am I really a brat that is not showing my husband appreciation? Should I just shut up and forget about me, what makes me happy?
He told me to get off ny lazy … and start a business. Well that would be great, but if I am being told how to run my own business and that I am not allowed to train other men’s dogs…how is that my business and freedom???
I am lost.
Why haven’t you filed for divorce yet? You’ll get half his assets and he’ll also have to pay you alimony, I’m sure.
I’m Daniel. I have had to file for disability for mental health reasons. This has been going on for a year now and no light at end of the tunnel. She does not make enough money to cover our bills and we keep sinking further in debt. About 15,000 just in regular bills. I feel like a loser every single day as we continue to get shut off notices constantly. We’ve exhausted all options out there and it just gets worse. All I can do is take care of the household duties to help, but I sure can’t fill the fridge. I have to rely on her for everything. I can’t get medicaid or help from the state because they say she makes too much money(35,000)! And I make zilch. I’m always afraid she is going to have enough and call it quits with us. When you’re sitting at home, you think the worse and feel the worse. No idea what I can even do. I’ve looked into home online jobs and they’re a scam. Ended up with a virus on our computer. I used to be successful and now it’s like hero to zero. She has a medical condition as well which requires transfusions and she still goes on strong. I can tell she is now worn down though. Very much so. We don’t communicate much and she just sleeps all the time when she’s home. I try to think of anything all day everyday and its just not out there. I love my wife so much. So much I wouldn’t blame her if she called it quits simply just for her health. I am obviously an added expense she cannot afford and I see it on her face every time I have to ask for anything. I’ve sold just about anything worth anything. I wish I could hit a reset button and everything be better.
I understand this is very hard. Keep trying to find resources that may help you to stay functional and independent if possible. Check with your doctors and therapist and exhausted every absolute option that’s even remotely possible; even prayer. Try new therapies under a doctor’s supervision such as ketamine… it was a true God send for me and my family. Never stop. Prayers for you and your wife!
I’ve been married 10 years and my spouse does most of the bills by choice. I have offered to set up bill pay to track bills but his preference is to write them all out each month.
He always ask about the grocery bill, or gets frustrated if I go to super market twice a week.
I make good money and all but $100 goes into our joint account. Recently I’ve had an opportunity to work an additional job for the last 4months. Every paycheck my husband tells me I need to put half into the joint checking. He even gave me a blank check to have the money go into our joint checking account which I have declined to do.
I’m i being selfish wanting to keep the entire check to myself? This second job does not pay that much about $1100 every two weeks. I used this money to purchase groceries, items my children or family need clothes, bats /cleats.
I’m at my wits end about this money pinching.
I’ve always worked part-time jobs over the years because healthcare providers are always needed.
My husband told me if he had a second job he would contribute his check. I think this was odd because he’s never worked two jobs at one time like me.
Ha, good point. I really think you should talk about setting a family budget. What are things you want to contribute to each month, and what does each person feel like putting towards those items, and then keep the rest separate!!!
Family items can include:
* Groceries, Utilities, Rent/mortgage, cars, insurance, kids’ activities, clothes, vacations savings, etc.
Figure out how much money is left over. From each of your paychecks.
Let him know why you would like to keep the additional money, why you think that is fair. See what you come up with. Just ideas. Good luck!
My partner and I have been together for more than 28 years, and we have never married. We have lived together exclusively, outlasting our combined parents and even a sibling of his.
I try to teach him how to manage money/investments, but he prefers to do other things.
I have appealed to logic, told him how he would save money and be much more protected financially, and how he would inherit my SSA money and save on his taxes…
I sold him one-half of our home (which is paid off) a few years back for $1 to protect him there too.
I am going to keep working on him. I wanted it to happen in 2020, but he’s still not convinced marriage is right, yet the American system is surely geared pro marriage.
At least he’s beneficiary on all my accounts now, which are getting close to $2M.
Good article, but some of out here are gay. My partner is a “he.”
Cool. Thanks for sharing. Do you find this article more difficult to relate to or less applicable to your partner because I wrote it from a husband and wife perspective?
If so, I’m happy to receive a guest post where you share your perspective and the differences. Thanks
It is irritating to me as a gay man – and presumptuous – but it’s also your blog. :-)
One of my undergrad degrees was English. I now see a common usage of “they” for single people that gets around this issue, but the purist in me dislikes that too. You could recast the article in a nongender-specific way and say, for example:
If You Love Your Spouse, You’d Make Them Financially Independent
The old-school me wants to write:
If You Love Your Spouse, You’d Make Her or Him Financially Independent
… but of course, this second recast is longer and still denies the intersexed.
I cannot listen to overtly (female) gender-specific songs in the same way. I never even dated a woman in my life, and as a Kinsey 6 at age 50, I can tell you it does mean something to me. It’s not bias, I hope?
The basis of the article is of course wholly sound. “If you love someone, set them free.”
;-)
Sounds good. For some reason, how other people write or think using gender doesn’t irritate me. I just accept things from their perspective and see if it can relate to my own. After all, it’s not up to me to change a stranger.
Maybe I’m just really easy going in thought in general. I Donno.
One of my favorite quotes is, “It’s easier to wear slippers than carpet the world.”
Hi I’m a 43 yr male looking for some advice.
I work two jobs ( construction) I make ok money.
Wife is 38 yrs old doesn’t work takes all the money leaves me with nothing to survive for the week.god for bit if I ask for gas money to get to work.. she’s always telling me are bills are paid .but I’m always getting letter’s saying bills are due. Car place calls me every month saying it’s late..
But when I ask her about it it’s a fight..
I feel control I can’t nor do something without her permission…I’m at my wit’s end..
Brother, man up. Your wife should not be in control of the money. Your the one making the money, you pay the bills, dont give it to your wife.
You have to ask for gas money? That’s ridiculous.
I am in a very tricky position. I fell in love with my partner at a time when she made more money than I did. Shortly after we got together, she moved in with me then demanded that I get a job to help her raise her son she had with another man or she would leave me. So I did. As a matter of fact, I got a job where I was quickly making twice as much as she was making and also working twice as many hours. I helped her raise her son and he has become like a son to me. Fast forward we are now a decade into our relationship. We own a house together. I have my own business and I make six figures. She makes even less than she did when we first got together. The boy is now grown and moved out of the house. I work my ass off to try and pay off our debt. She spends most of the day cooking and meeting with her friends. I have spent many months paying all of our expenses while she barely brings in anything. Our son is no longer around very much, so there are almost no responsibilities related to him. I am honestly getting really sick of it. I have asked her many, many times to work more and work smarter. She wants to run her own business but hates technology, so has no reliable way to get new clients and will nor invest in any kind of mentorship or coaching. I’ve offered to help her many times and she takes it but then falls off the wagon and ends up spending most of her time on her cell phone engaging in activities that have no chance of producing income. Meanwhile, I work 12 hour days running my business. She has told me she doesn’t feel like an adult. She has told me she doesn’t want to fight. Every time I bring it up, she throws it back in my face and tries to make me feel ashamed of insisting that she work more. She keeps pointing out how cooking and cleaning is a ton of work in itself. I’m about at the end of my rope. I feel like I sacrificed many years to support her and her son, but that she is indeed a child in an adult body and has essentially manipulated me into becoming the supportive father figure she never had. At the same time, she refuses to be raised. It seems to me like she just wants a sugar daddy so she can remain a child. I’m not legally married to her, but we co-own a house together. We’re blessed with plenty of space, but I feel like I am spinning my wheels because she just won’t do what is necessary to get her business or any kind of career off the ground and would clearly much rather be a housewife, even though I happily pay for a maid already and would happily pay for a cook too if it would get her to work. But she still manages to waste most of her time doing all kinds of things that have zero chance of getting her a client. And the reality is that meals, cleaning and sex are just not enough for me. I need a woman I can relate to and grow with and I just can’t understand how she could be so demanding of me, yet not hold herself to the standards she holds me to. One thing is for sure – I am not happy and my attraction to her wanes every day. I dream about other women nightly. I want to be with a woman who wants to work, wants to fight and will do whatever it takes to grow her business. I want to be with a savvy entrepreneur, not a housewife who spends more than she makes, whose child I helped raise even though I didn’t father him, and whose demands I met at no small cost to my time and my health, yet who refuses to even acknowledge her own hypocrisy, much less get her $#!+ together. I work so much I barely have a life. I can rarely take a break. I feel alone, even though I live with her. I try to involve her in fun things but she hates the things I find most enjoyable. It’s not looking good and I often wonder if she’ll ever grow up unless I leave her.
Wow! seems like you have made up your mind and want another woman period. Even if she got her business going and begins to make more money it won’t be enough for you. You are unhappy being with her period and need an excuse to leave her. So what’s holding you back? It can’t be because you feel bad for her? Could it be because deep down you’re guilty of feeling this way? Let me tell you right now that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side! You’ll probably find a “go getter” but that go getter probably won’t give you any sex bc she’s too busy with her business, def won’t cook for you or clean. Smh.. you men and your crazy way or thinking.
Dan –
I wish I had an opportunity to get to this comment box first. I haven’t read most of the replies, but it seems as though most people used this as an opportunity to vent about their relationships. Nonetheless, here’s my advice. I do hope you find this helpful.
It seems as though you are quite unhappy in your relationship. It happens often, that people just fall out of love. Yes, there are certain things that happen along the way, that further exacerbate those feelings. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your partner.
You feel that when you were demanded to work by her, you not only got a job, but went above and beyond to deliver. You worked excess hours, sacrificed–but most importantly–you raised a son that is not biologically yours. Now that your son has left the “nest” and there are less responsibilities for your partner, you’re upset that she has been unwilling to get a job, especially at your request.
Unfortunately, I think her not working is a symptom of a much deeper problem. The problem is that you feel unappreciated and that she is taking advantage of you. Although, this might be how you feel, I think you have to really take a deeper look at why you feel this way. It sounds to me like you have grown apart over the years from your spouse and may not understand your feelings completely. It’s very possible you might feel guilty about no longer wanting to be with her, so you try and justify your feelings with a more rational and practical reason.
That logic makes sense, but it’s because it’s been like that for quite awhile. You have just recently found a way to make it an issue, to make you feel less guilty about no longer wanting your partner. I think you should do some deep honest thinking about whether you would still want to be with your partner, if they were meeting your expectations.
It’s a hard decision to make, but if you’re unhappy, then you’re ultimately not going to be able to be there for your partner the way you know you can. For your happiness and hers, it might just be best to separate. I think that is the more noble decision, then letting this continue to fester and then doing something that could be hurtful to your partner and unforgivable.
I do hope this advice was helpful, and best of luck!
—
Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man
“So I did.”
That was your first and worst mistake.