Some of you have privately inquired what's gotten into me lately, writing so many relationship type posts. The simple answer is that I'm petrified about being a father. More specifically, I'm worried that I am going to be a horrible father to a daughter. Women are complicated enough. To add a daughter into the mix is absolutely terrifying.
I can imagine my teenage daughter coming home one day crying because her boyfriend dumped her for another girl. I turn to her mother, “Honey, I'll be right back. I need to go break some bones.”
No matter what I say, she won't come out of her room so I begin to wonder whether she's OK. Her heartbreak is my heartbreak. And as a father, I know she will tell me that I just don't understand what she's going through.
All I can do is be patient and be there for her when she finally opens up. In the meantime, I pray to God she's doing nothing to hurt herself. I also pray these are the times when her mother will be able to calm her soul and ease her pain. Feeling helpless to help someone you love is horrible.
I want my daughter to find the love of her life early on and never break up. I want her to be brilliant, beautiful, and happy. By the time she graduates from college, I hope society treats men and women perfectly the same. Let there not be arcane tax laws, pay differentials, and old boys clubs with glass ceilings. I hope she never experiences tremendous loss.
Perhaps I overanalyze things too much. There are millions of fathers who manage just fine. But I'm the student who never believes he's smart enough to finish an exam with 30 minutes to spare so I check every single answer twice over. My friends say that nobody will ever truly be ready for fatherhood. I know they are right so I continue to write and hope that one day I will better understand.
Related: Man Up Dads! Time To Be Better Fathers
For those of you who are fathers of daughters, or parents in general, how did you prepare? Where were expectations about parenthood different from reality? What were some things that really came out of left field which left you completely dumbfounded? For those of you with multiple kids, how do you do it?
Thanks,
Sam
Why worry so much now? Do you have similar worries about raising a son? I have two sons age 4 and 7 and a daughter aged 2 and personally am more concerned about my boys. All the scenarios you mentioned regarding heartbreak can be true with girls, but with boys you also need to worry about their temperament. Whenever I hear about some random shooting, some date rapes, drunk driving from kids who appear to have grown up in stable homes, I cringe.
You’ve got to teach me your Zen of never worrying. I admire people who can do that.
I hope you’ll worry much less once you actually become a parent. You seem very responsible from your writing and the choices you’ve made in life, so I’m sure you’ll be a fine parent to boy or girl. And believe me, I worry about my kids and other things such as job & finances in life just as much as the next person. I guess without knowing you personally, it doesn’t make much sense to me to why you worry a lot about some hypothetical event in the distant future if you’re not actually a parent or an expectant father to be. To me, it would be like worrying about whether you’ll be a good husband or doing a particular job well many years before marrying or having that type of a job. I think life is hard enough without additional self induced stress. Also, discuss with your friends who already are parents. I’m sure most will tell you that boys aren’t any easier than girls to raise, so don’t fear being a father to a girl only. If you’re going to fear, spread your fears to both boy and a girl.
My daughter was born in 2012 a month after my 33rd birthday. It is definitely very scary having a child. They are so fragile I am constantly worrying. Sometimes I think i am a bad father because i often feel like I don’t really enjoy child raising. I take care of her and know I am a good father but I feel guilty for not really enjoying parenthood sometimes. At least you are retired now so you will have the large amount of time required to raise kids. I don’t know how people do it having multiple kids. Some people make it look so easy. In the past I have always put myself first but I can’t do that now and it something I struggle with. This post may make me sound bad but I am trying to give an honest perspective.
The best parenting advice I have after doing this for 9.5 years is to take it day by day. You never know what will come up. We just take it as it comes and accept that it’s a wild, fun and sometimes stressful ride!
I have a 3.5 year old daughter, and her daddy and I cringe at the day when she will be sweet-talked by some unworthy guy. All we can do is teach her to be resilient and kind and industrious. I worry about teaching her enough math, shielding her from Disney princesses and keeping her away from media that objectify women, probably written by people who don’t have daughters. I believe if I work hard enough on becoming a better person, she will be one too. I can’t teach her anything I don’t know already, I figure. Latest project: learning to be calm.
PS I wish I’d read more of your site earlier!
Awww…. I came to this conversation late, by way of Blue Collar Workman.
Dude! There’s only one way to prepare for parenthood, and that’s by watching your own parents. Do what they did that worked. Try not to do what they did that didn’t work. And don’t be surprised to hear your dad’s or your mom’s voice come out of your mouth about the first time the kid is old enough to understand a full sentence.
All those good things you said in your post: Yes.
Otherwise: just take time to enjoy the kid while she’s a kid. Life is short. Eternity is long.
why would you want your daughter to find the love of her life early? Don’t you want her to enjoy life and be happy by experiencing the pleasure different men of all stripes can provide her? She has to decide what she wants, we cannot put our wants into our children.
Some background for those that don’t know me: I became a father to a baby girl at 20 just a year after getting married. This wasn’t planned but we did plan our kids age gaps to had to move forward with the plan :) we had another girl when I was 22 and a boy when I was 24. We are now pregnant again and I’ll have just turned 27 when this new addition joins us.
Prepare..hmm. There really isn’t anything you could ever do to prepare you for life as a parent because parenting is so dynamic. Being a parent throws so many curve balls your way, things you may have heard of before and things you never imagined, especially with the world changing at the speed it is. Your kids will surprise you at every turn and just when you think you’ve figured them out, they’ll surprise you yet again. Girl or boy, all you can do is do your best and hope for the best. You can’t and shouldn’t try to control every aspect of your kids life.
Some expectations I had about being a parent were shattered in so many ways..for example, as a somewhat educated guy that believes in self-reliance, I thought I’d be able to impart great wisdom on my kids. Having to wait till your kids are ready to learn something, or repeating something over and over until their minds are ready for it is something I didn’t quite get right away. It’s hard to explain but your kids will certainly teach you patience beyond your current understanding.
The left-field stuff is mostly that your kids will understand far better than you ever could, certain life lessons. They’ll pick up on things you never imagined they’d just get and they’ll surpass you in that understanding right before your eyes.
Another thing you’ll never expect is how the different each kid is after the next and how their dynamic of personalities comes together to create a family. Our first daughter was so laid back, so relaxed and still is. She’s beyond her years in knowledge and understanding and I always wondered why that was. Why we had such an easy child followed by our most difficult (she has many of my personality traits which makes her more headstrong, stubborn and outspoken). But just last week I realized that my older daughter is a far better example to the younger kids than if they had been born in a different order. She is the voice of reason and the other kids do follow her example and learn from her. They may apply that knowledge in their own way but it is there and it comes not from us the parents, but from our 6 year old.
It’s really hard to explain some of what you’ll learn becoming a parent, and it’ll take years and years for you to even see some of the things you’ll learn or that your kids will pick up. I can tell you that it’s worth every minute though. Every bit of heartache, every moment you share with your kids, good and bad. It’s worth going through all that because that brings family closer together.
By the way, don’t be afraid to get involved in the girly stuff. Be hands on at every stage. Don’t shy away from playing barbies and showing your feminine side because that time you spend with your girls will help craft the image in your girls mind of what kind of guy she will look for in a boyfriend and husband. That will help protect them from getting hurt by a guy that isn’t worth it.
I tried to prepare myself for parenthood, but when my daughter was born, my preparations didn’t add up to much and instinct took over. The bond between a parent and their child is just incredible. She’s made my life better – more fuller and satisfying. I worry about when she grows up and the challenges that come with that, but I know we’ll get through anything. I’m sure you’ll be a fantastic dad!
Thank you! I hope that father daughter son bond kicks in as well for me. Thanks for sharing your experience.
As a new mom I feel your concerns. I worried during my pregnancy, I cried when I found out I was pregnant because I was scared I would not be a good mom. Unfounded worries I am sure of now but panic can put crazy ideas in your head. You have nothing to worry about love will lead you in the right path when your time comes.
To respond to the daughter part: Marry the woman you want your daughter to be! You could be an amazing father but the mother matters too since she will see her mother to be norm of what a woman should be. My mom at times made more than my dad. Since I’ve started working I’ve been the “bread winner” so to speak in the relationship. I think seeing my mother be ambitious in the workplace contributes to my view of how hard I should work and what I also deserve in life! My father made me understand that there are good men who support ambitious women and supported fluid roles in life. To him it was something all men should aspire to! And so I have learned tons from him as well.
I’m also scared to become a mother. It seems a huge responsibility! I do no take it lightly at all. I totally understand your fears. As I haven’t gotten farther than you with this I can’t offer advice ;)
Congratulation! Are you going to be a dad soon? ;) Just kidding!
It’s easy for me to be a dad. It’s a ton of fun and a ton of frustration everyday, but I love it.
Maybe you just need a few more years to feel more comfortable with the idea.
Lots of good points already put in, but I’ll add my $0.02 worth anyway.
I never really thought of being a parent as a kid. I never held a baby, changed a diaper, etc. and knew I was totally unprepared for fatherhood. When we decided to have a kid we were the first in our circle of close friends to have a child and we had moved out of state from family so I had no one close to tap into. I read some books to understand the things to expect with a newborn, which helped to keep me from unnecessary panic when they caught colds or acted odd, they also helped me understand that not all parents are in love and “bond” with the kid the minute they are born (took me over six months or so). I also took some solice in other folks who just told me it would be okay, because it generally was. The books and some people’s advice can also be a ton of crap and you need to filter through it for what works for you and your child (each child is different even in the same family). What was the hot way to raise a kid this year will change in five, so take all advice with a big, honking, grain of salt. That includes what I say :-).
Three main things I have learned:
1. Your focus is your relationship with your spouse. The two of you are a team and should decide most things away from the kids ears, and even if you disagree in the moment you don’t cut each other down or undermine each others authority infront of the kids. You also need to work to keep your relationship loving and strong, or your kids lose their base.
2. Do what you say, especially when it comes to discipline. So never say stupid things like “if you touch that I’ll break your finger” or “One more time and you’re grounded for a year”. If you say, “touch that and you’ll get X (X being whatever consequence you use for bad behaviour)” and they touch it, you don’t repeat the warning, you don’t yell, and you don’t make a big deal out of it. Instead, no matter how comfortable, distracted, tired, etc. you are, you immediately move and do what you said. This is much, much harder than it sounds, but I feel it is really important.
3. Take time to get your butt down and floor and roll and tickle and wrestle and giggle and play with them. I think many women have learned or just know to do this, but guys often don’t. Later spend time teaching, throwing a ball, practicing soccer, etc. As part of that never lose an opportunity to tell them you love them and show them with a hug or a cuddle.
In the end you need to understand you aren’t perfect and you shouldn’t try to be. But you also need to understand that like anything else working at it may not guarantee the outcome you want but you won’t have a shot at getting the outcome you want without putting in the work.
We only met briefly in person, but from talking a little online and reading more about you I think you’ll be a great father.
Everything you are scared of will happen and more, but there is NOTHING like the relationship a father has with his daughters. It is so precious. My mother passed away when I was a teen and even though at the time my father and I did not get along, we are really close now. I was probably his worst nightmare as a teen, but he’s proud of me now and it’s cool to be able to call and be like “Hey, I’m nearby, want to grab lunch?” and stuff like that.
As a parent, I did not feel prepared. Honestly I got pregnant because of pressure from family and my then husband. I LOVE my daughters and am so glad I had them when I did, but I definitely was not emotionally prepared. I’ve been scared they’d be bullied because they have learning delays (runs in their fathers side), speech impediments (lisp from both sides) and things but they are both super popular.
Hard though, if someone hurts them, I don’t care what age they are, I want to take them out. lol. My parents dealt with that problem by having more kids. Siblings are like mini gangs and they will sort out whoever hurt you, even now as adults my siblings and I are super close and heaven help anyone who hurts a single one of us.
You’ll be fine xx
The very fact that you are thinking about this in advance tells me you will be a great dad. To excel in parenting requires the same formula as anything else we desire to be awesome at – we have to work at it. We don’t enter adulthood really knowing what how to handle our personal finances but through education, training and many missteps we figure it out. My wife and I have been through multiple parenting courses, mostly through our church that have helped us tremendously with our four kids. The best pieces of advice I could give are 1) don’t fear messing up – you are going to (I sure have at times. Kids are resilient and I have found them to be ready to forgive me when I mess up) and 2) approach parenting with a legacy perspective. It’s our way to leave a legacy in this world that could last generations. I wouldn’t trade being a parent for anything. I have found no experience to be more powerful than holding my four newborn babies in my arms.
As a father, having a daughter is the most rewarding experience in my life! It is so simple. Give them love, respect, and attention and they will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life.
I think what you say makes absolute sense. If she seems me treating her mother with love, kindness, and respect that is exactly what she expects her future partner to be and won’t settle. Great advice.
Good thing your sister has you and Gold Apple iPhones! :)
I have to imagine being a father to a daughter makes us the biggest advocates for women’s rights there is.
I know you’ll hear this over and over, but there is nothing harder than parenting. Plus, it gets even harder when you have a couple more. What makes it more challenging is that each of our kids have their own unique attributes: they each are motivated and frustrated by different things. Every day is discovery learning. We have tried to allow them as much independence as possible; we are big believers in free-range children who have enough structure to keep them safe and disciplined, but the ability to go out into the neighborhood and do what I did as a kid. We are not helicopter parents by any stretch. I’m also proud of the fact that our kids are indifferent to pop culture; we have raised them to read, go outside and play, do sports, etc., and the TV has not been an enormous factor in their lives.
You will be an awesome Dad, Sam. That is already clear from the writing you’ve done on other topics here. Enjoy!
Free-range children… nice! Like free-range chickens kinda? :)
Thanks Mike. If I ever become a dad, I will look to you for pointers!
I have a daughter who just turned 2. The way my wife and I prepared for her arrival? We created a Gmail account for her and began writing to her about our fears, hopes, and anticipation for her arrival. Putting these thoughts into writing was cathartic for us. It’ll also be an amazing memento for her when we eventually tell her about the account when she grows up (maybe when she turns 18, when she’s about to get married, etc.).
Insofar as expectations not meeting reality… for me… reality is actually much easier than my original expectations. I think it’s because that now she’s here with me, any effort that may have seemed insurmountable before doesn’t even require a second thought now. The love that you have for your daughter is that immeasurable.
What a great idea. I hope to share this post with her decades down the road. It’s so rewarding to write about things and look back and see what was on your mind.
Just read some posts on your site. Congrats on finding a new job in the Valley!
I too was a little fearful of this, back then. However, the very moment I was told by the doctor in the hospital that I had a beautiful daughter (we didn’t know baby’s gender before), I instantly lost that fear. It was a life-changing experience.
For a father of a daughter, or at least I can speak for myself, there is an incredible protective instinct that just comes out. That drive to take care of her simply caused that any prior apprehension to evaporate. Not saying it’s always easy, because your lifestyle changes completely – and yes, there are never ending worries that a father of a daughter probably has. But becoming a parent was the greatest thing to happen in my life, being a Dad is incredible.
Good to know Ray. Perhaps I will experience the same thing one day. Hope all is well.
Hi Nick, good luck with raising your daughter!Thanks for sharing.
I remember being nervous about becoming a dad, but for me all the nervousness and fear and everything else kind of just disappeared when I saw my son for the first time. It’s an amazing thing to feel that unbounding love for your child, knowing you would do just about anything for them. Becoming a dad was one of the happiest days of my life, and while it isn’t easy at first, you quickly become used to that new normal. It’s not always easy being a parent, but it’s always definitely worth it.
Just take time to enjoy your new little one, and just soak it all up. It goes by so fast!
Will do Pete. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
The most surprising thing that came from the birth of our little boy was how fast our lifestyle became “normal.” I went from being nervous out of my gourd to “just another day of happiness” in a matter of 1-2 months. As if we’d had children all our lives. Pretty amazing how our bodies work :)
I missed it if you had news of a wee one coming into your world soon, but if you are I’M SOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! You’ll be a great dad! And if you were just wondering out loud with this post, well, I’m happy for the FUTURE you when/if you have kids, haha…
Gotcha J. Nope, no baby on the way. Just talking about my concerns as a potential parent to be who knows when. This is what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands. Hope your boy is doing well!
I would agree that you are over-analyzing it. Enjoy your daughter in each stage of her life. You still have the joys of watching her discover new things every day by sticking everything in her mouth. The joy of hearing her first words, and watching her wobble all around the house as a toddler. Enjoy your daughter and your family.
Will do. How long have you been a father and what are some of the upside and downside surprises you have experienced?
Hi Sam, We have a 12-year-old son. Some of the funnest times were when he was a toddler figuring out how to get past the various obstacles that were in his way. Our son was a very happy baby, toddler, and little boy. He is apparently still happy, but we don’t communicate as much. Nothing has changed on my side, but he is 12, so he knows everything (except when he doesn’t.) He is in the middle school band and jazz band, so we go to concerts several times a year.
All my married friends used to tell me that marriage will change my life forever. Then my friends with kids told me that having a kid will change my life again by the same amount that getting married did. They were mostly correct.
Hi Sam,
Good post and one that I can comment on since I am now the father of a 2.5 month baby daughter… what a life changer.
When she was born she immediately started to cry and I had the distinct feeling that I want to get up to help her immediately, and was happy to do so (however, I was holding my wife’s hand and the doctors told me to stay put for a few minutes while the nurses cleaned off the baby). It was like I wanted to help the baby but I didn’t feel any of the negative sense of obligations, and I found that strange since I never had that exact feeling before in my life.
When you witness a birth, especially one of your own child, it is easy to think philosophically. For example, that child is like you or I 30 – 40 years ago, and when we look at them it’s just like when our parents looked at us. By the fact of us being here, it means that someone parented us the same way so we are just paying it forward, so to speak.
Everything towards your child stems from unconditional love. Of course the Chinese proverb applies, paraphrased to be “once a child is born, every second is a step taken towards death”. Not meant to be morbid as much as a fact that all life on this planet is transient so we must appreciate the moment. Let go of trying to control your child too much, as falling down, having a heartbreak, is all part of life’s experience. Having ‘perfection’ in life, measured by no hardships, is hardly a life worth living, and totally unrealistic for ANY creature living in this world.
Oh, the other thing I did was change my health for the better since I want to be around to watch my daughter grow up. I did a 2 month juice fast, starting it a few weeks prior to birth of my daughter, and am now 155 lbs on a 6’2″ frame, with 4.5% body fat… considering I was 205 lbs at the beginning of the year with more than 20% body fat, that is a great feat… I highly recommend it. Remember you had mentioned (many posts ago) that my ideal range is 170 – 205lbs because that was my historical weight? I just expanded that range significantly downwards, because at the end of the juice fast I was down to 147lbs and feeling pretty darn good!
The bonus is the increased energy levels are welcome when taking care of a newborn, and getting limited sleep.
-Mike
Hi Mike! It’s been a while. Good to hear from you and congrats on your 2.5 month yar old!
I must imagine having kids makes us that much more aware of our mortality. I want to spend as much time as comfortably possible with my own parents now than ever before. I hope they open up even more so I will thoroughly understand them. A large part of the reason why I write this blog is so that they can get an idea of what their son is feeling, the good and the bad.
That’s incredible you are down to 150lbs at 6’2″! Thanks for the motivation to stay healthy. I’m at around 163lbs, but am 3-4 inches shorter :)
Hope to hear more about your journey of fatherhood!