After reading Sam’s How To Prevent Your Wealthy Man From Straying, I’ve been thinking a lot about my own situation. You see, I’m the mother of three boys, and I’m the wealthy one in the relationship. As a government employee, I make about $78,000 a year, but my wealth really comes from my parents, who left me about $2 million dollars in real estate and investments when they passed away last year.
My husband is a finance professional who has floundered around in the finance industry for the past 15 years. He’s never worked for the larger, more prestigious banks, but always the lower tier financial institutions that never got any respect from clients. My husband isn’t the most handsome or the smartest man in finance, but he is very gregarious and sociable. Clients like him, they just don’t take anything he has to say seriously, if you know what I mean.
Let’s call my husband Jim. Part of Jim’s job is to travel around the country to wine and dine clients and make sure they are receiving the service they need. He usually goes for a couple days. One trip, I noticed his clothes smelled like female perfume. I’ve got a keen nose and knew it was Eternity for Women.
When I asked Jim why he smelled like CK's Eternity, he shrugged. He said that the perfume probably rubbed off on his clothes after hugging his female client goodbye. He explained they all went to a bar after dinner. Fine, whatever.
In The Middle Of The Night
Then one evening, I was awoken by couple text message bings on Jim’s phone. He was snoring fast asleep and I’m a light sleeper. I couldn’t unlock his phone to read the message, but I didn’t have to. The text message popped up on the homescreen automatically and said, “What are you doing honey? I miss you.”
I stayed awake for hours staring at the bedroom ceiling wondering who this bitch was. The name said, “Steve Eliz” which didn’t make much sense. Incredibly, right before I was about to go to bed his phone bings again! This time, the message was from “Steve Tracy” that said, “When are you coming down to visit me again.”
That bastard! “Steve” was essentially a fake name where he’d start to categorize the women he was going out with. Their real names would be Steve’s last name.
I woke Jim up, pissed, and asked him about Elizabeth and Tracy. He first said he didn’t know any Elizabeth or Tracy. And then he said Steve Eliz and Steve Tracy were friends he met on his travels. He then admitted after shaking off his groggy cobwebs that Elizabeth and Tracy were just two girls he met when he went on his last business trip to LA. They were just “friends” he met when he and his clients were out of town, but he didn’t want to put their full names in because I might get the wrong message!
I knew Jim was bullshitting, but I didn’t want to confront him any longer. Maybe he really was just having an innocent conversation with other women.
I’m used to Jim going out 2-3 times a week to entertain clients. But what I’m not used to is him not coming home. His first excuse was that he was too drunk to drive home, so he passed out in his car. Fair enough. But then the frequency of passing out in his car increased to once a week. When I told him to just Uber it home, he retorted that he would then have to Uber it back to work. Why waste $90?
Then one evening when he wasn’t back by 1am, I texted him asking where he was. He said that he was staying at his friend’s place in the city. So logically, I called his friend up and asked whether Jim was there. The friend said “No.”
I Know He’s Cheating On Me
I know Jim has been cheating on me for the past 10 years, but I’ve never caught him red-handed. I also know the women he’s cheating with are just laughing behind my back as he buys them lavish gifts and buys them plane tickets to meet him wherever his next business trip takes him.
The problem is, I feel like it’s impossible to divorce him due to the SHAME I will feel for my three sons, and the embarrassment I will feel from my friends and relatives. We had an amazing wedding with over 300 guests. How could I let them down? How could I let my boys down and explain to them daddy was a cheating bastard who doesn’t care about mommy anymore?
It’s hard enough raising three kids, let alone as a single parent. Jim and I have great moments together during the weekends where we spend time together as a family. He treats me and the boys well when we’re together for the most part. He’s just a philandering, asshole when he’s not with us.
If we divorce, we’ll have to spend money on lawyers. I’m also afraid that I’ll have to split my inheritance with him. If we divorce, I’m afraid my boys will hate me because they love their daddy and don’t realize what daddy is doing behind our backs. Boys have a special bond with fathers that I’m envious I cannot replicate.
Divorce seems like the messiest way out of an unhappy married given so much is at stake for me. I know I should leave him, but I’m afraid of living a life alone as a 42 year old woman.
The Pros Of Getting A Divorce
- I no longer have to feel like a fool for letting him betray me.
- I no longer have to listen to his lies as he explains where he’s been.
- I no longer have to feel ashamed for living a failed marriage.
- I no longer have to get laughed at behind my back by the women he’s with and the friends who know what he’s doing.
- The kids can hopefully understand one day the importance of being an honest person.
- The sooner I can break free, the sooner I can move on with my life.
- The sooner I can break free, the less he’ll take of my parent’s money.
The Cons of Getting A Divorce
- I’ll have let down my family, friends, and children.
- I’ll feel like an embarrassment to family, friends, and children.
- Lawyer fees are expensive and things could get very contentious.
- There’s a small chance he might actually not be consistently cheating on me. Maybe I’m wrong? Innocent people are wrongly incarcerated every year.
- It’s very hard to raise three kids by myself and I will need to hire help since my parents are no longer living, and I can’t count on his parents to baby sit anymore because that would be way too awkward.
- I’m accustomed to paying the bills, raising a family, going on trips, working, vacationing and all that as a married woman for the past 10 years.
- I’m afraid of being alone. And I think it will take a ton of adjustment.
- I don’t think I’ll be able to find anybody else at my age. Maybe, but I know it’s going to be hard. Who wants a broken woman who is 42 years old with three kids? Hopefully there is someone out there, but I don’t know.
Has anybody gone through such a situation before where they knew they should leave their spouse, but was too afraid to do so? What are some things you might attempt first before going through a divorce? We’ve already had couples counseling before.
Thank you for allowing me to share my situation. I hope to get some insights from the Financial Samurai community!
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My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, an unplanned pregnancy, a registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dances, and after the birth of a child we had to forget about them altogether. But I thought that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what. The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But there was not enough determination. Largely because everything was normal outwardly: we almost did not quarrel, did not live in poverty, the way stabilized over the years, the child grew up. But there was nothing in common.
At first we chatted a lot: where did you study, what do you do, how do you look at the world, who are your parents and friends, what kind of music do you listen to, what books do you read, what films do you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about. But over time, the topics have exhausted themselves. Both became clear – there was nothing to discuss.
Sometimes it came to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, the dialogue did not work out – it was more like consultation. The husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting bored.Communication should mutually enrich. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build together. When one constantly pulls the other along with him or when people follow different paths, the vital chatter gradually disappears.
It’s now 3 years later… does anyone know what Michelle decided to do?
Michelle – I am separated with 3 kids. I am so much happier separated. Our issues were not about trust, but other relationship problems.
We share custody and co-parent effectively. The kids are doing great. We still do some events together as a family.
The actual separation was of course a difficult period… emotions ran high and there was a lot of stress. We used a mediator to help us reach a separation agreement.
For me the biggest concern was around the children. I sought professional advice and also did a lot of research. Once I was confident the children could still be happy and successful, I was comfortable moving forward. My ex and I planned carefully how to tell them, and how to support them during and after the separation. This has worked out well.
I think it’s important that each parent supports the kids’ relationship with their other parent. I also think parents should not discuss private relationship issues or complaints about the ex with their kids. Children need to feel safe loving both parents, without any pressure to choose sides.
Financially… The cost of living alone is of course higher, and I also must pay child support to my ex. But the big plus has been that I can now make all my financial decisions without having to consult anyone else. I am a saver and my ex was a spender.
I hope everything has worked out for you! If you read this, let us know how you are doing.
Get the poor bugger some help. If you haven’t figured out yet that those years of floundering have affected his self esteem, well … then you’ve also affected his self esteem. Life is messy.
I’m sorry for your unfortunate situation. I am going through a similar situation. I am almost divorced after a year of separation. I have 3 children ages 14(boy), 10(girl), and 3(boy). I’m hearing a sadness and hopelessness in your post. I just went through the absolute worst and best year of my life. BTW, I am a 33 year old female. My ex cheated on me and I was going to divorce him quickly, but he begged for my forgiveness and then got me pregnant. So I stayed 3 more years with him mostly due to being pregnant and taking care of a baby. We still had some good times after that but I could never quite shake the distrust.
Eventually I realized I was fantasizing about a life I didn’t have and felt so empty inside.I too in some ways thought it might be hard to move on.I feel attractive for my age but we all have our insecurities, not the least of which was having 3 children. Unlike you I didn’t have a healthy income to raise my children with. The financial struggle has been the most real to me. I have worked my ass off the past year and wished I had more family help… They live far away and I am stuck now due to custody issues. All that being said, while I have not realized financial success yet, I am getting there and starting to see a glimmer of hope, starting to dream again. The battle you will face is probably not the one you are anticipating. For me it has been nothing less than an extreme mental challenge… I have learned that keeping a positive mindset and mastering my own thoughts has been the key to putting my life back together. At some of my lowest points I didn’t have the will to live anymore. One of the higher points was being validated by a man who not only told me I was beautiful but kissed me in such a way that made me feel so alive again. (It does feel good to be validated by others!)
I have found a wonderful man whom I’ve been dating for 6 months… He treats me amazing. We are taking things slow intentionally.
All that being said at the end of the day, you will look in the mirror and realize you are the only one you can depend on and you will most likely have major trust issues. Good luck and many blessings in whatever you choose. There is no right or wrong choice just many different paths to take!
Sorry to hear about your situation. I was 49 when I found out that my ex was cheating on me. He wanted to have an open marriage. I said no, and filed for divorce. We had been together for 28 years. We have 2 girls, one 20 and one 8 at the time. It has been 3 years and I can tell you that it was the best decision I’ve ever met. For me, cheating is a deal breaker. There is no shame in standing up for yourself. Refuse to be a door mat. People respect you for having the courage, strength and integrity to look out for yourself and your children. For the divorce, we split everything 50/50, and I found that being on my own, I am able to save a lot more money, and have been able to build up a very comfortable nest egg. I’m sure the fact that I’ve worked during the marriage helps. Please believe in yourself! Your children will admire you! Best of luck!
I find it telling that you included his professional shortcomings in this, as well as the fact that you don’t consider him attractive or intelligent. It is likely that he is insecure about not being the breadwinner in the family; that coupled with your contempt for him may be contributing to his behavior. As PK noted he may be trying to prove his desirability to himself and to you, since it seems he isn’t getting much respect at home.
I’m very sorry you find yourself in this situation, and I wish you the best of luck.
While I think it’s a very safe bet he is cheating on you, I would recommend finding out for sure. Private detectives are quite cheap, and if he’s being as indiscreet as you describe it will take one about 1/2 day to confirm for certain (if you go the route of a divorce, this will be a tiny drop in the bucket of professional fees). Also, it would be nice to know for sure if, down the road, he protests his innocence and blames you for the divorce (sorry to dredge up dark scenarios, but he could say you made up the cheating stories b/c you didn’t want to share your parents’ estate – divorce seems like it can get gloves off very quickly). People make think this is a stupid and wasteful move, but going from 99.8% certain to 100.0% would be worth a few hundred dollars to me.
And I do think his indiscretion is a signal – sometimes people want to get caught. If he is cheating, it’s a horrible thing, but perhaps he knows all too well your thoughts re: his professionalism (and looks, and intelligence) and wants to “prove” someone can actually like him for who he is. Or maybe (my .2% above), he’s making all of this up. Hearing his side – hopefully with a marriage counselor – would be a nice thing, even if you do end up divorcing.
I wish you the best of luck.
Bottom line, you’re scared. Your life is on autopilot and pleasant. You have a nice place, nice kids, nice family, nice social standing, and you are so terrified that could all be mucked up. You’re more worried about what everyone else will think of you and your standing in the community and with your family and how you will be viewed than about what this is doing to you. Just look at how you laid it out in the pros and cons, disappointing family, shame about what people will think, what the kids with think, etc. Those are all excuses to keep you from experiencing the scary side of living alone and being divorced.
You know what isn’t on the list? Getting a permanent STD like Herpes. Getting a nutcase woman wanting to be the lady in his life stalking you or more importantly your kids. Getting a call from a woman wanting him to start paying palimony for their love child, money that should be going to YOUR children. Having your bank account and your parent’s inheritance get slowly sucked dry to pay for his infidelity instead of helping you and your kids. Or best of all, having him find someone else and dumping YOU after cleaning out all the money and bank accounts.
Get a lawyer, get a privite investigator to track him on his trips a few times to get definitive evidence. Verify via the PI and Lawyer that he hasn’t been hording money or isn’t in staggering debt that he’s hidden from you. Start separating the money now before he does it for you, because he will. Even if you are willing to give marriage counceling a shot, go to the lawyer and PI first to get as much evidence to know what exactly you are dealing with. He may wait a year, or five, or ten. Heck, he may be waiting until the kids are adults before dumping you. But guaranteed when he sees an opportunity to go, he will go and take it all with him. It takes two parties to make this work. He has no, zero, zip, nada, incentive to make your marriage work beyond what is going on now. You busted him ten years ago and have done nothing.
So he has nothing to fear. He can keep enjoying things as they are until something better presents itself or until he decides to end it. You think you have everything to fear, but that’s the problem. Your own insecurities are caging you into living a life ruled by fear, fear of being alone, fear of being shamed, fear of his anger, fear of loss of social standing, fear of ridicule.
It’s your life, you have to decide how you want to live it.
I am sorry this is happening. Whatever the reasons he cheated, he cheated and you should end this. My biggest concern is how he risked your safety by cheating. Imagine if he got HIV, or an STD and then gave it to you. He was willing to risk the life you had for fun.
Not my business, but were you two having sex atleast once a week, going out on dates a few times a month? Do you eat dinner as a family together often? Attend church, talk, laugh and have fun? I would imagine this marriage has been over for quite a long time and is more of a friendship/roomates/ rasing the kids relationship.
You didnt fail, things happen. When the crap hit the fan he cheated.
Good Luck
Go over to survivinginfidelity.com. Start posting there. Read “Love must be tough.” I was scared as heck to be alone. I know the fear can be paralyzing, and the fear of what everyone else thinks can be paralyzing. I let that hold me back for a long time. I thought everyone will be so disappointed…my aunts and uncles, everyone who traveled, I’ll look like a failure. The reality is that you are not the center of the universe, and nobody really cares that much about your life. It is YOUR life and nobody is going to look out for your interests other than you. Especially not your husband. He’s got it good, doesn’t he? I would refuse to help him keep up the charade and have his playing on the side. They say you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You need to get his respect and pretending everything is just fine will simply cause him to lose respect for you. See the lawyer. You don’t have to do anything, just learn what your options are. Once you have that firmly in place, I would tell him that he is completely allowed to date as much as he wants, but not as your husband. He has to choose. You know he’s cheating, don’t get caught up in needing “proof”. You’ve got your proof. You may not have all the details but you know. Best of luck.
I disagree with those who say divorce is no big deal, implying that it won’t hurt the kids. In most instances, staying in a bad marriage is the lesser of two evils when you factor in the effect on the kids. Kids whose parents divorce have more discipline problems in school, have shorter life expectancy, and are more likely to divorce and/or have unstable relationships themselves.
I do agree Michelle should see both a therapist and a lawyer. But I think making the best of this very bad situation means making long term divorce plans and plotting this out very carefully…and ideally waiting until the youngest kid is at least 18.
I hope you can seek professional counseling for the two of you (and maybe individual counseling too) and really get to the point of having open and honest conversations about everything. We have heard one side of the story (and it doesn’t sound good), I wonder what the other side might be. Not saying that in a snarky way at all, by the way, but there are always two sides.
Ultimately, putting aside whatever we think represents right or wrong (and I think the cheating is never acceptable), it’s about shared commitment to each other and the marriage. I’m hoping the two of you can work through these difficult times and come though it stronger. All the best.
Oh, and pick up “After the Affair,” a stellar book on infidelity.
Suggest to your husband that he also read it!
Bottom line: all marriages have issues. There is NEVER an excuse for infidelity.
I repeat: NEVER.
Almost certainly both of you have contributed to issues in the marriage that “loaded the gun,” but no one makes anyone else pull the trigger on cheating.
Take care of YOU. If you think there’s a chance at salvaging the marriage, you can leave the door open for that for whatever time period you consider reasonable, but your spouse has to decide to walk through that door, and do it with the recognition that he will be an integral part of the healing process for you. If he does not do that, then you seriously need to consider if he is worth any more of your time.
I totally agree with this. This is the best comment here.
I’ll tag along with WSB. I think you have said your Hail Mary’s and are looking for support for the decision you have already made.
Having said that, if you still “love” your man and think he still “loves” you, you did say he was great when he was home, then by all means arrange some kind of counselling. If he doesn’t want to then that clarifies your decisions.
Again, if you still “love” your man and the time with him then by all means sit down with him and clarify what is going on. Would he be happy if you, excuse me ladies, had your fieid plowed by another farmer sowing their seeds? It might just get his head straightened out as to the implications of all this. After all, what is good for the gander is good for the goose. You would have to accept that as well, enjoying another man. You never know, you might enjoy it! Stranger things have happened.
More than most likely inherited money will remain yours unless as mentioned above it was minged in a joint account. Better to separate it out before hand.
Remember that lawyers make money arguing. So if you opt for a divorce then try to get things settled between you before meeting the lawyer. The hard part is trying to stay cool headed and ask for what you really need and not what your friends and lawyers will tell you that you are “entitled” to. Much less expensive if it is an “amical” divorce.
I divorced my ex back in 1990 after she brought home a bit more than a bottle of rum from a trip to Cuba. We settled everything before going to see a lawyer. YES, you can use just one lawyer if it is an amical divorce. Once we had settled everything with the lawyer, and she made some changes to what we had settled on, she then asked who was asking for the divorce. Once I said it was me she then said that she was my lawyer from that point on. I met with her after this and she asked me why I was giving away this or that. My response was that that is what we had agreed upon. ALWAYS remember that lawyers make money argueing, especially against one another. So if you can keep it to one lawyer there won’t be much argueing and that is a lot less expensive.
Stay cool, settle before going to the lawyer if possble, come out the other end sad but not down trodden. The only ones making money in a fight are the lawyers and you will not only have a lot less money but be bitter as well and that is not good for the kids.
Take care
So instead of trying to solve this in a mature way with your husband (privately) you decide to ask for attention from anonymous people on the Internet.
What a great “catch”.
Bob is correct. You already don’t respect him and you already made your decision before you decided to complain on the Internet.
You just wanted the comments to be filled with “you go girl!” comments.
If you cared about saving your marriage you wouldn’t go on the Internet to ask strangers about your life where he could potentially find this post in the first place.
Asking for attention =/= any solutions.
If you really want a Hail Mary go for the counseling but it doesnt sound like either of you care enough to fix it.
wall street playboy huh? your name explain everything…… I am sure Michelle here is ask for help, she prefer to go anonymously because she`s still not sure with her feeling….but I am sure she`ll soon learn that divorce is the right answer, because once trust is broken, you will never able to fixed it like before.
Be a strong role model for the kids…. They see EVERYTHING. Don’t be the example of how a woman handles a cheating man. And allows it… You have three boys, I don’t think this is how you would want them to treat their future wives/significant others.
No, it is absolutely not. I fear if I do something wrong, they will grow up to be just like their father….
I had so many of the same worries as you when I got divorced. I thought everyone would see me as a failure, I thought I would screw up my kids, I was filled with shame.
But after failed marriage counseling and being sick of being miserable everyday I decided to go forward with the divorce. Afterward it was HARD. Like really, really hard to be a single parent for that first six months to a year.
But now, I am the happiest I’ve ever been. It took some serious time to get adjusted but I have a good relationship with the father of my kids. (We do shared parenting.) My kids are completely happy and I’ve now found a man who has shown me what a good and healthy relationship looks like. I’ll never turn back.
Whoever, made that comment about a man needing to spread their seed is completely wrong. Not all men are like that. There are some amazing men out there who will want you and ONLY you and treat you like gold.
So in a nutshell, if your biggest worry is letting people down you need to push that aside. There will be a year long adjustment period for you and your kids but as long as you can maintain a good relationship with the father of your children everything will work out fine. In the long run you’ll get to see how much better life is without having to worry about what your husband is or isn’t doing.
Also, I was afraid to be alone too. But that was actually the easiest thing to get used to.
I’m wishing you the best for whatever decision you do make!
Thank you Alexa for sharing your experience. I’m glad to hear that you found someone and are getting along with your ex-husband. If being alone was the easiest to get used to, what was the hardest to get used to? How did you meet your new boyfriend? And if you didn’t meet him and were still single, do you think you are the same way?
I think I might have had more courage if I was younger. Now, I’m just not so sure.
From someone who’s been through this before, here is my advice:
1) Go to individual therapy. You can ask your therapist to code his/her diagnosis so that your insurance will cover the cost. If, after a sufficient amount of therapy, you determine that staying in the marriage will destroy you, then you have your answer. If, on the other hand, you learn that there are things you can do to save your marriage and keep your family intact, then you’ll have to try, otherwise you’re going to look back and doubt yourself for the rest of your life. Find a support group and start spending time with friends who are supportive and keep you positive, and pursuing activities that you love and make you feel happy or alive.
2) In the meantime, start getting a very good understanding of your families’ financial affairs by collecting tax returns, bank account statements, credit card statements, etc. Contribute as much as you can afford to your children’s 529 plans. Research your state’s laws regarding divorce and asset protection. In many states, as long as your inheritance did not become comingled with community property, then it would be considered your separate property in the divorce and would not be subject to the division (meaning also, it wouldn’t show up on your side of the ledger when you are dividing things up). You need to consult with a lawyer who understands both family law and asset protection and do what is necessary to protect your inheritance. Even if you decide to fight for your marriage, the fact that you have some very strong evidence that your husband is both unfaithful and dishonest means that your marriage is at risk of a divorce, whether it’s tomorrow or ten years from now. What happens if he falls in love with one of these women and decides to leave you? Isn’t it just a good business decision to spend $10 or $20k in legal bills to protect a $2m inheritance?
Thanks. I really need to get my family finances and affairs in order. They are a mess, and something I must prepare to do if I’m going to take the next step. I just hope things don’t get nasty with the children involved. He’s been withdrawing from my trust for way too long on things we don’t need.
Hi Michelle. As you can see we all have different views but a lot of themes are the same – seek legal counsel, consider marriage counseling if there are enough positives that make you want to keep the relationship, and try not to be afraid of change.
It doesn’t seem like your husband is going to change his ways with that many instances. Take pictures and copies of whatever evidence you can and talk to a lawyer. We only live once after all. You want to be happy and feel whole again. Best of luck!
Good for you for having the courage to share your story! First off…42 honey, your best years are in front of you not behind you…trust me there are no shortages of opportunities for love out there. I am 44 and when I was 41 I had a girlfriend actually tell me that she was my last chance and I’d never find anybody if I didn’t make it work with her (for the record she seeing her ex behind my back and was simply another way for her to try and manipulate me). So all of the posters here have some valid points, some more tastefully communicated than others. Not that you want my advice or opinion but here it goes:
1) you already know the right answer…hopefully writing it down was therapeutic and helped you see the light.
2) don’t be afraid to be single…embrace it, own it…confidence is intoxicating to the opposite sex
3) I have a three of married guy friends your age or less with 3 kids each…they constantly joke about how they get sex so infrequently it is comical. Like once a month type silly, pleasuring each other in other ways nearly non-existent. They are 100% faithful, but I personally could not live in that world. Your relationship with your partner comes before kids, before other friends, before work…essentially if you don’t work to put each other first it isn’t ever going to work. There are two sides to every story and I absolutely do not condone cheating of any type, but if you have let yourself go and don’t feel sexy anymore and have sex less than 40-50 times a year with your partner there’s going to be issues.
3) Get out sooner rather than later…I witnessed my affluent friends go through money like water in the 4 years proceeding them finally getting a divorce. Yep it will be expensive, yep he will probably get some of your parents money, but welcome to real world, definitely not fair. Men get the short end of the stick all the time too…you’ve made a series of bad choices, don’t compound it by staying in a crappy relationship because your afraid of losing money or respect.
4) Get busy living the rest of your life, exercise, concentrate on you and be a little selfish about doing what’s best for you, not your husband or kids. Nobody is going to be happy around you if you are not happy yourself.
5) Finish your divorce crap then try online dating and get yourself back out there!
I would be reluctant to listen to anything anybody says here aside from those advocating your need to seek professional marriage counseling.
Your husband is having multiple affairs and lying about it, and you’re questioning whether you should get a divorce?
Of course you should. You deserve someone who truly loves you and is committed to you. Your husband isn’t, even though “you have great moments during the weekend together” or whatever you said. He is using you and probably staying for you for convenience.
I think everybody deserves someone great. Unfortunately, not everything stays great forever, nor can everybody find their soulmate.
I agree that not everything stays great forever, but I would argue that both parties need to work on these issues. I would suggest counselling for both of you if you would like to salvage your marriage. That being said, I would not put up with cheating or lying about cheating. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have been in counseling twice…once after having kids and once again when we were having other issues, none of which involved cheating. He and I have both been very focal in the past regarding cheating, it is a huge issue that involves much more than just cheating. I hope that by going to counseling that we have avoided cheating in the past. Of course, there is always the future to worry about, but in my case I am not too concerned since we communicate very well. Good luck, but I would think twice about staying in the marriage. It sounds like he is insecure about himself.
Hi Kristy – Do you mind sharing why you two went to counseling? I’ve noticed a lot of couples break up after having kids, so I’m wondering if there is some type of idealized notion of having kids that’s different from reality when the kids finally arrive, and how to improve this. thx
I don’t mind sharing why we went to counseling. My husband and I have a fairly god marriage (If I do say so myself), but after having the second child, we were just not communicating well. Our second child didn’t sleep well and we were both working full time with a three year old as well. He wasn’t “stepping up” to the plate to help out more around the house and I was nursing and tired. He was snapping at me and I was not very nice to him either. We knew we were not communicating and for a short period of time, I did not like him very much. He wanted “something” from me, but I was not getting anything in return. We were not in therapy long, but we both realized that we need to do/be nice to the other one for our marriage. Men and women have different “needs”. I needed a little more romance and help around the house…you can guess what his “needs’ were/still are.
We were both giving so much to the kids and we were not taking enough time to work on our relationship. We both realized that although the kids are only with us for a short period of time, we still need date nights for our own sanity. Each couple is different and each person’s needs are different in a marriage. I need more time to myself and I get it by waking up at 4:30 or 5 am to run. In conclusion, we realized that we married each other because we loved each other at one point (and we still did), we just needed to find our way back.
We went through a rough patch last year as well. This time, it’s because we are taking care of young kids AND he is helping his elderly parents who live 3 hours away. Lots of disagreeing and not communicating effectively. It happens, life happens, stress happens. Sometimes couples just need a way to deal with it. Now we have date night every other week typically and I run 4 times a week. He does just as much with the kids and house work as I do and we are a team.
Thank you for sharing Kristy! Very insightful. I may make a post out of this if you don’t mind.
How much does marriage counseling cost usually?
I wanted to say that I think that both of us had in mind what the “ideal” marriage is and sometimes, it just doesn’t happen. I love my kids, but it adds an entirely different dynamic to a relationship. Most of the time life is good, once in a while you hit a rut.
Feel free to share. Marriage counseling cost us out of pocket about $100 a session. It is not cheap, but was well worth it. I am sure it is more expensive where you are and insurance oftentimes does not cover or only covers a few sessions.
Thanks Kristy. This is kind of a funny suggestion, but something I’ve heard many men joke around before due to movies and stereotypes: How about hiring a nanny if a family can afford it?
A lot of women I talk to hate the “Swedish nanny” idea, but if the nanny can take care of the house and children while both parents work, surely the relationship could improve, no?
Not a funny suggestion at all! We hired a cleaning lady to clean the house and sometimes we have a lawn service as well. We are fairly frugal, so didn’t want to spend the money on a nanny. Daycare where we are was much cheaper. During this time, I should mention that I was also taking courses for my real estate appraising designation and my personality is that “I” can do it all.
It took me a year to convince my husband we needed a cleaning lady. haha. She is my life saver….I always say that if we ever have to cut back, she will be the last thing that goes. We eventually worked it out, but sometimes it takes time. I feel that couples sometimes give up too early. There are going to be bumps in the road….you just need to figure out how to deal with them, hopefully together.
“I needed a little more romance and help around the house…you can guess what his “needs’ were/still are.”
I guess I’m always disappointed that women like to act like sex is something dirty they have to do to manage their little boy husbands.
So, basically, something that is emotionally fullfilling to a man and is one way we are assured in a monogamous relationship that it isn’t about the kids, or the bills, or the vacation, etc. but is about us and our relationship is to be scorned and mocked, while the woman’s desires are to be paramount in the relationship and the only side worthy of all consideration? Way to respect a partner.
In the end, most reasonable folks want to be appreciated and respected. Communication is at the heart of it but it really is all about appreciating the other person. That means appreciating that there are different desires and needs driving each individual and respecting, not scorning, those needs (provided the needs are reasonable).
Getagrip,
I am not sure why you are disappointed in my very honest assessment of our marriage. I never once said that I thought his needs were any less than mine. If you took it that way, I apologize. We were both very tired with two young kids and as you can guess (or maybe you are not married with kids?) we BOTH put each others needs on the back burner. We were fortunate enough to realize what was going on, to seek counseling since were were not communicating OR appreciating each other. It was not a one-sided issue by any means and we were lucky that we both wanted to work on our relationship during a strenuous time in our marriage. Others are not so fortunate, hence the divorce. There will always be issues in marriages, but I have to say that after we learned to communicate better, our marriage has become even better. I love my husband even more now.
It’s never worth staying in a relationship with someone who is lying and cheating. 10 years ago I was engaged to someone who cheated on me multiple with different men. I spent months and years struggling with how to make it work. I regret every minute that I wasted doing that. I’ve never met anyone who left a liar/cheater that ever regretted it for a second, kids or not. You only get one life. Do you want to look back on long life with a cheating spouse? Do you want your kids to know that staying with someone who doesn’t respect you is an acceptable life choice? There are plenty of good people in the world, don’t let one a**hole become a major theme of your life.
I’m sorry, Michelle, to hear about what you are going through. Your post shows that you don’t have much feelings of respect for your husband, given what is going on. Although you mention that he is a good “family man” back at home, maybe he is picking up on your feelings now?
You have to ask yourself first, would you like the marriage to work out or are you looking to move on? Only you can answer this so take the time you need to arrive at the answer. Your boys will thrive with the love you and their father will give them, don’t let that influence your decision. Also don’t worry about friends and other family and what they will be thinking. This is about you and your husband.
Once you have decided, do your best to support the decision without second guessing yourself.
I am sure you will ultimately find peace and happiness with this, once this process is completed.
Best wishes,
Mike
I definitely don’t have those good feelings because he consistently lies to me.
But you mentioned you still have a glimmer of hope… maybe that is just wishful thinking? It sounds like you need to put some distance between both of you first, as in a separation.
Doesn’t that make sense?
-M