Imagine being 31 and single, not by choice, but by circumstance. You've gone through several bad relationships and looked back asking yourself what were you thinking.
There was this one guy you dated who was secretly married – no wonder why you could never go over. Then there was this other person who after two years still wouldn't commit.
You were sick of waiting around, so you left him, your job, and the city where you both resided to live closer to your parents.
With pressure from your parents and a desire to start a family, you try the internet to find a match. After going on several unsuccessful dates, you finally find this guy with a wonderful resume – a law degree, a $250,000 a year job, a close family, and a good group of friends.
At 37, he wants to start a family too. There's only one problem. You're not physically attracted to him. Instead, he feels more like a brother than a lover.
After a year of dating, he finally asks you to marry him. What do you do? You value quality of life and emotional security the most. Sexual chemistry has only failed in the past.
Such is the situation of a FS reader named Mary Jane. She has until the summer when she officially becomes Mrs. MJ.
Marry The Resume Or Your Soul Mate?
MJ has never met a guy as stable as him. He also has the perfect resume. Every other guy MJ has dated was less accomplished with a lower level of education and financial wealth. After all, less than 5% of households make over $200,000 a year and less than 10% of Americans have a Master's degree.
If MJ marries him, she'll live a comfortable life, especially when she adds her $120,000 income to his salary. Some might think what's wrong with living a fabulous single life with her income until the perfect guy comes along. Sadly, when one bedroom condos rent for $3,000+ and the median single family home in the Bay Area is 10X higher than her income, life is OK, but not fabulous.
MJ is a realist. She realizes most marriages don't maintain their physical intimacy level over time, so what's the big deal if she isn't physically attracted to him to start? There's only upside! She cherishes friendship and companionship more than anything else.
At the age of 31, MJ also worries her pool of suitors is shrinking because she only wants to date older guys who are more accomplished. As we've learned in the Golden Cross Of Love, she is exactly right.
Some believe life is too short to marry someone with no chemistry. Why not just be friends? 31 isn't that old by any means, especially from the perspective of us older folks.
But what if he's as good as it gets? What if a guy of this quality never asks her to marry him again? She's already gone through multiple horrible relationships. She doesn't want to be alone and she loves attention.
Being with a financially stable person who treats you well isn't the end of the world, even if everything he does agitates you. There are many cultures where arranged marriages are the norm. “You may not at first love your arrangement, but you'll grow to love him or her over time,” one of my Indian friends said.
Should MJ marry the resume and live a financially secure life with a lack of chemistry? Or, should MJ continue to wait things out until she finds the perfect man who turns her on and has the financial requirements she expects? $200,000 a year or greater income, the ability to buy a $1.5M or greater home in the San Francisco Bay Area, a good family background, a professional degree, physically fit, 5′ 10″ or taller, and can always give her the love and attention she needs?
Please share your thoughts in the comments below and take the poll.
The One That Got Away
I'm guessing most of you will be romantic idealists and choose to stay single rather than marry someone with a great resume, but with no chemistry. Being practical is so boring. Why not just go for “the one” or nothing, right? Fair enough.
But guess who are the dreamers? Young people who've never been scarred! They enter the work force all bright-eyed and think they want to work forever. Then, one day a colleague stabs them in the back or they get hoodwinked by their boss.
If they haven't been diligently saving since day one, they might wake up like most people and have this “OH SHIT” moment where they've got no other option but to work at the job they hate because they don't have enough money saved.
The same goes with dating. We grow up watching love stories that always have happy endings. But after dating one too many scumbags or disloyal women, we start thinking whether we'll ever find someone worthy of being our life partners. We become jaded. We question whether someone else's affection for us is genuine, or a ploy to just toy.
It's really too bad we can't know then what we know now. Marrying is like investing your entire portfolio in one stock.
If the marriage doesn't work out, there's always divorce. According to Brette Sember, family attorney and author of two books on divorce, “You can plan on mediation costing somewhere between a few thousand and $7,000, whereas if you litigate, you could spend $15,000 – $50,000.” Then there's the wealth destruction of divorce itself.
For those of you who have that ideal someone please give him or her a hug. Go into detail about what you appreciate about them. Thank them for putting up with your idiosyncrasies that might drive a lesser person crazy. Let's never take our partners for granted!
The Pros Of Marrying A Resume
- More financial security
- Potentially less arguments since money is a top reason why couples fight
- More respect for a partner due to their professional achievements
- Parents might be more proud of you and your spouse
- More chances to network with other people who can provide more opportunity
- More financial security for your parents
- A greater ability to do what you want because your spouse makes enough money for both
- More money to help other people in need
- More happiness due to more financial freedom
- Won't be alone
- Nothing wrong with marrying a friend
- If you divorce you get half
The Cons Of Marrying A Resume
- Lack of passion or no passion
- Physical and emotional intimacy becomes a chore
- Higher chance of infidelity
- You might always wonder whether there's a soul mate out there waiting for you
- Less happiness because you've chosen to settle
- Potential shame or disappointment due to a divorce
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Your spouse can change on a dime but you dont know when. Love or un-love is one of the key motive in crime.
I meet all of those requirements, however I am 30.
I wouldn’t marry a resume: I am the resume someone might want to marry ;)
Resumes are a disqualifier rather than a qualifier. You can’t marry just a resume, you also need to share some commonalities like faith and goals, but marrying someone without the right financial profile is a recipe for disaster.
I’m not romantic in a conventional way, so I don’t think love is important in a marriage, but feelings are.
To borrow from Marie Kondo:
Does being in the presence of the other person spark joy? Do you have positive experiences associated with meeting the guy/girl or just neutral/negatives. Does he/she make you laugh? Do you see yourself living for 50 years without laughs?
“Physical and emotional intimacy becomes a chore”, this is by far the worst thing that could happen in my opinion. As humans, our minds are heavily influenced by our bodies. Sex creates good vibes, it promotes physical and and mental health. Even the most cerebral persons out there would still appreciate good sex, our bodies won’t allow us not to.
So, you don’t have to be in love with somebody, but he/she should at least be a “buddy” that you can hang out with, have fun with and have sex with. As long as you can associate them with positives in your life, you are good. Because what he/she brings to the table is valuable. If they don’t spark joy in you even at this point, what will happen 20 years from now when you have to deal with multiple problems like taking care of aging parents or finding the money to help your kids graduate?
Great article…
At first it is all depends on the women’s income
1). women who makes less money tend to marry very early and just stay at home with kids
2).women who make over 100K+ a year will enjoy her single life first then worry if she will be too late to have kids then just want to settle down
3). women who make over 100K+ a year but did not care if she is going to have kids or not… then can just continue enjoy her single life (but keep dating for fun..)
Life is about choices…you cannot have everything in your partner, (looks, make good income, is your soul mate, etc etc) have to be willing to give up something in order to get what you really want.
Soul mate? Really?
The most over-used, over-hyped, ridiculous concept.
Between Hollywood and Cosmo, American women have been indoctrinated that there is some perfect creature, aka “the one”, who will sweep them off their feet, satisfy their every need, as they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Grow up.
Love is hard.
Relationships are hard.
Get over yourself, and figure out what you need, and what you’re willing to do to get it.
Now suck it up, and go do it.
Well said. The concept of a “soul mate” makes my skin crawl. Life is give and take, joy and suffering. Love is really mostly about choice, the “honeymoon period” does not last, hedonic adaption will play its course.
I think it all depends on what stage of life you are in. If you are in the young and wild stage which is about partying and crazy sex then that is one thing. If you are in the next stage which is stability, growth, and kids, then that is another thing. If you are in the next phase about maintenance and raising a family then that is another. If you are in the empty nesting phase and in the next phase adventure and retirement phase that is completely different as well.
I am young (41), and still in my prime, but my kids are in college. I am almost in the empty nest/retirement phase. Try finding a woman who is 41, and is also in the same phase as me? My point is that I have done all those phases, and am ready for someone who is willing to have fireworks but realize I am not looking to spend the next XX years raising kids, I am ready to move on.
I can see the appeal of both but I am looking for solid friendship and the rest will follow.
The best marriage advice I’ve ever heard is: Marry your best friend.
Like blackjack, its depends on both the dealer and players hand. You have to be realistic about yourself on a 1-10 scale. It’s about what you want out of a relationship, everyone is different but sexual chemistry is very important if it wasn’t there wouldn’t be so much infidelity. Happiness is the goal, maybe it’s money, maybe it’s comfort and safety, maybe it’s super hot sex every night. Prioritize your goal and make your own life, and remember you can’t change someone else although you can modify behaviour.
You give up a lot when you just marry for a resume, the concern here being that giving into this may turn out to be a long insidious road to complacency and can come back to destroy everything down the line. In life two of the biggest decisions a person makes is what they decide to spend their time doing and who they decide to spend that time with, thus should not be taken too lightly.
However, our world has plenty of marriages where love grows with time as evidenced by the multitude of arranged or planned marriages that end up being very successful with little upfront time in terms of courtship investment.
This is definitely a case where you should go with your heart. If she strongly feels that she should go with resume and thinks that everything will work out in the end, go for that. If she thinks otherwise, go with soul mate option. Unfortunately with time ticking away that adds unneeded pressure.
Re: physical attraction… if she’s on hormonal birth control pills, she should see if she’s physically attracted to him when off them, since they can change who seems sexually attractive.
Other than that, only MJ can make this decision and what I would want is irrelevant to what she wants.
She should marry the guy and see if they can make it work. They could just get a divorce if it doesn’t work out. I don’t think the chance of divorce would be any difference from marrying a soul mate. Nobody is perfect. You just have to work with what you have. Physical attraction will fade.
One of my friend is 42 and she couldn’t find the perfect guy. She kept dating and now it’s even harder to find that soul mate. At this point, she wants to be a mom and she’ll probably have to go the donor route…
How does she know that she won’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t meet her requirements NOW, but will so later on?
I didn’t really have any requirements when I met my husband 15 years ago, but I’ll tell you this, his “resume” was terrible – separated with two young kids, living at home with his parents, and unemployed. I could tell he was a good man, though, plus we were attracted to one another and had similar life philosophies. Needless to say, we quickly fell in love.
Now we own a home, and he makes really good money which we are socking away for retirement. Life is good. Maybe I just got lucky, but had I looked at his situation and thought “loser” and moved on, I wouldn’t be as happy as I am today. Food for thought.
Nicole, but weren’t you in the exact OPPOSITE situation MJ is now? You want for the soul mate/passion route. She’s focusing on the resume route b/c she doesn’t want to risk leading a life she does not want to lead, even though there might potential.
I do agree that she could grow to love him more or find that physical spark if the mental connection grows.
I saw it mentioned a few times earlier, but I want to emphasize the man’s feelings in this case. It’s not fair to him if someone is only marrying him for his resume. Does the lawyer know what he’s getting into? Does he realize that she’s not physically attracted to him? I guess if he knows what he’s getting into, and they both agree on it, then it’s a different story.
I’ve definitely thought about this. But honestly, I think my earning potential is great enough and growing to the point that the resume of my SO doesn’t matter. That said, I really struggle to connect with people who aren’t highly ambitious and intelligent. Doesn’t necessarily have to translate into high earnings for me though.
It’s good to believe in oneself. As a NYC resident who may want to buy in NYC however, having a good resume partner is very helpful. In big cities, no longer are you competing with just an individual, but you’re competing against a couple and foreign buyers and their parents money as well. This is the biggest frustration I’ve seen single people have who live in expensive cities.
I tried this. I dated a kind, wealthy guy for 2 years. I was 28 and couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to marry him; it didn’t make sense. So when he proposed, I suggested we go to Vegas and get it over with. The next day, I woke up crying.
Why? Because you can’t force love. We got our marriage annulled three weeks later. It’s now been over a year, and I haven’t regretted the breakup once.
MJ, don’t do it. Hold out for someone who makes your heart sing. If it were right, you wouldn’t be writing in to a blog for advice.
Hi Susan, pretty classic to go to Las Vegas for a wedding! Perhaps if the engagement. It was longer and it was a more traditional wedding, you would’ve had more time to think about it and break it off for the actual wedding?
Is the X has been with someone else? How about you? Have you been able to find someone that makes your heart sing?
Yes, it was definitely an experience! I don’t regret doing it either; I learned valuable lessons, and am hoping MJ can also learn from my mistake.
I do think I would’ve broken off the engagement had it been longer than six hours — but it might’ve just prolonged the pain and confusion for both of us. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to marry such a great guy; I figured there was one way to end my indecisiveness once and for all, and I was right.
I know my ex has been dating, though I’m not sure about his current status. I wish him nothing but the best — he deserves it. I did find someone else who made my heart sing; being with him made me remember what true, passionate love should feel like. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out , but I am optimistic about the future.
It’s out there, MJ. And it’s worth waiting for!
Very provocative post! It’s a bit of a twist on the ‘money or your life’ dilemma. When we’re at the store and can’t decide on something, my wife and I will often say “If you don’t know, don’t buy.” It breaks the uncertainty and has undoubtedly saved us thousands of dollars over the years. I think the same applies here – if you don’t know, don’t marry.
I like that rule! Thanks for sharing.
Never, ever, ever settle…as a man with his act realtively together I find the opposite problem. Physical attraction and chemistry no problem, but if these women were judged by the same metrics men are judged by they would for the most part be labeled as underachievers hoping to latch on to someone who has made the sacrifices they were not willing to make. The one if it’s meant to be is out there, it would be like a prison if you settled only to have the one come along…happens all the time, at least according to cable television.
This is a tough one. I don’t think attraction is black and white. There are a few stages between being really attracted to someone and repulsion. Please don’t marry someone that repulses you. Now, say you just didn’t have the absolute hots for him but you are okay with the idea of this person sharing your towel, sharing your bed and their morning breath (like 50% attraction), then you may proceed. As time goes on and you start to reap the benefits of his awesome resume, i’m sure the attraction will grow. No one is just miserable with a 1.5 million house and a fairly nice husband that’s just a little too hairy. That’s very manageable.
I was always very skeptical of people who said that you just ‘knew’ when you found the right person; it seemed like people were just using the benefit of hindsight to describe how their relationship formed. But with my current partner, something just clicked when we first met, and we’ve kept our relationship strong for almost two years. While some things fade, that conviction of knowing that you’re with the right person has to be the bedrock upon which the rest of your relationship is founded, or else you’re setting yourself up for failure (or unhappiness, or listlessness).
I think that if the woman in this scenario feels so strongly in her core that this isn’t the perfect match, that she should move on with her life. Could she make it work? Possibly, but consider the damage that could be done to both of them if that is revealed or one ends up being unfaithful. I understand the social pressures of being in a relationship or starting a family are huge (particularly for women), and it can be more difficult to be single once your friends are all paired off or have children. But it’s a rich world out there, and there’s a lot you can do on your own to find your own happiness.
Mary Jane’s fiance is in all likelihood settling with this girl and probably has doubts about her too. He’s probably just more realistic about romance, like many men. No two people truly know each other that well after only a year of dating in their 30s. She maybe dating her resume guy in her mind, but if she truly has that much to offer, she wouldn’t have to consider settling with him.
MJ is still young, many successful people are just starting to think about marriage at this time. Second, she should immediately break up with this guy and let him find someone who will appreciate him more than she. Shes also about to hit the first wave of young divorcees so theres always that.
Clearly, she is the problem, and underlying constant in her relationships, provably time to be super honest with herself and do a little growing up. Attraction level nor sex frequency needf change after marriage, thats a cop out.Until she comes to grips with her responsibility in all this, the cycle will repeat. If she just marries one day she will regret, resent, and the marriage is doomed anyway. Issues dont seem to “get better” after marriage, set up for disaster.
Lastly theres no such thing as a soulmate, theres probably loads of people youre compatible with, in the end you choose and accept the whole person, and youre ecstatic about it!
MJ seems very immature (and at 31 is somewhat acceptable but time is running out for that), and likely the source of most of her problems finding the “right” guy. Usually these types love the “bad” guys, and the rare few that fit their bill, arent dumb enough to stick around someone who is almost certainly overly dramatic and ultimately a drain on any reasonable person who matches her pedigree/stats.
Anyone with that pedigree either is with the one they want to be with, can relatively simply, or is enjoying playing the field. It is rare that guys of this caliber (though my best friend is in a similar pickle, been engaged for years, lol, just waiting for his girl to set a date (they have geography issues of where to settle and shes a texan so…)).
I hope MJ is smoking hot and very interesting, because she will have a difficult time if not, most (at her criteria) will not put up with it because they have a gazillion other choices, and resume while important, is not a deal breaker for men. I have stopped dating women before when they were overly vapid and talkative, and I wasnt even successful yet, but I guess the foresight was there for them (was a resident).
idk about me though, I’ve always been a super introvert / loner and romantically hopeless, so the whole soulmate thing hasn’t worked out for me either! I would just definitely watch out for gold diggers though, marrying someone because they have money of their own and don’t care about your money (even though you may not 100% be “soulmates”), or marrying a woman you are both head over heals in love with eachother for who genuinely you are (aka “soulmates”), are both whole different scenarios from marrying a gold digger. F**k gold diggers.
This is a great topic for thought and learning, whether you’re a female or male.
My (male) 2 cents:
I married early, at age 23. While common in my parents’/grandparents’ generation, this is uncommon for us Millenials, especially those with college educations. Average age at marriage today for a male is 29, and significantly older for those like me with college degrees.
I am married to my college sweetheart. When we got engaged at age 22, I had relatively low savings and an (good) entry-level job. Essentially, my wife “invested” in me. I believe she truly loves me for who I am but clearly she and her family also needed to believe I had good potential on the earnings/provider front. So far, she’s correct: about 4 years later, our net worth is now ~$4m.
Another element of the equation is kids. My wife and I both want 3-5 kids, and we knew that for best results – low probability of birth defects + ability to parent energetically and have a long life as empty nesters – we needed to get started early. Thus, early marriage allowed us to spend several years together as a happily married couple, buy a house, do some self-development and relationship building before have our first kid. We did not feel super-pressured by time to have our first one, and looking back I feel this helped our relationship for the better.
In college and even before that, I had never been very popular with the ladies. I was obsessed with developing my career (through reading and internships), developing my personal skills (foreign languages, foreign cultural knowledge, field-specific knowledge), and getting high grades. Despite this, I did not go to an Ivy-caliber undergrad school due to my parents’ desire to avoid the high price tag.
Thus, I ended up feeling somewhat out of place at my average public high school and public university. I felt I did not have the time or energy to devote to “socializing” due to strict discipline of allocating time toward internships, school study, practicing my skills/languages, and maintaining personal fitness.
Anyway, I was obsessed with BUILDING the ultimate resume at the time where most girls were more interested in going on fun dates, group dates, parties, club activities, etc. I – selfishly but probably correctly – preferred study-buddy, workout partner, or language partner. Otherwise, not a good use of my time/energy and detractive to my ultimate goals. However, there was not a high demand among attractive girls to be “Rio_2016’s study-buddy.”
Finally I met my now-wife in my junior year of college. She was willing and even happy to sit with me for hours while I studied/read/practiced languages and would go to the gym with me as well. In hindsight, I now understand that while she doesn’t MIND any of these pursuits, she is not really as passionate about these activities as I am. She saw something within me – probably a combination of good potential mate, a nice person, a good potential resume – and decided to take a chance.
Anyway my point is that, for young people thinking about how to approach their future romantic life, there are nuances between “resume OR soul mate” and some gray areas as well. Was I a great resume when my wife decided to spend a lot of time bonding with me? No, not at all. I didn’t have a full-time job and was a college student at a relatively vanilla university! That said, those close to me at the time knew I had great potential. For women or men willing to look beneath the surface and, if they like what they see, take a chance on a partner while relatively young, the “investment appreciation” potential can be significant if you invest correctly.
And maybe the most important thing – I will be that much more faithful and loving toward my wife during the coming decades, knowing that she took a chance on me when my future earnings and resume were well under 100%-certain. Hell, I can remember countless times when I earned a precious block of free time but had trouble or could not even find a date for the coming Saturday!
Thus I KNOW for a fact that, even if some % of my attraction to my wife was “future resume potential,” she had to spend a lot of time/energy just to discover that, and furthermore take a gamble on the uncertainty – failure, sickness are always possible – and finally actively HELP my resume to come true. This is why I did not even consider for a second asking my wife to sign a prenup, nor do I pressure her too hard to work outside the home (she is a housewife despite having an advanced degree).
Now that my “resume” is starting to come true, it is a little hard for me to feel too sorry for the MJs of the world, to be honest. There are many MJs I would have been happy, or more than happy, to date when I was 20. Obviously I am a bit of an edge case but I feel this is somewhat true with a few of my successful peers as well. But I felt that the MJs of the world were not too interested in me at the time. We are too intense, not socially cool enough or in the right clubs/groups, not good at living in the moment, etc.
In college, my 2 most (ultimately) successful friends in the same field also had trouble finding solid girls to date, as well as enough time/energy to “chase” women. Yet those characteristics – working so hard at improving their personal abilities that they did not have time to wine+dine girls or go to many parties/dinners – also ended up allowing them to earn more money 5-10 years down the road. (As well as cultivate a good lifelong work ethic.) Somehow, few to no girls really tried to bond closely with them, even though they have ended up building ridiculously good resumes. I guess at the time, the girls lacked foresight + wanted to enjoy college/early+mid 20s (rather than encouraging their guy to read another chapter of a book) + admittedly the guys did not have time/energy to put themselves out there very much.
I also know centimillionaires with very similar issues. Surprisingly, at the time they were quite young and PRE-success (working hard into the night to build the foundation), few to no women had the foresight or IMAGINATION to see into the future, to $100s of millions of dollars of wealth and the potential to build a life with a guy like that from GROUND ZERO.
I do know one couple kinda like “us” – decimillionaire guy whose wife saw his great potential at a quite young age – and they are quite happy, without a lot of the trust, closeness, or maybe even fidelity issues I sense in pure “resume” marriages.
(BTW, I don’t like high marginal tax rates due to a similar issue – I know how much many, though admittedly not all, high earners had to work/sacrifice from a very young age – in my case, sacrificed a lot of potentially fun times from age 13 to now in the name of building my personal skills and creating future wealth – and think it’s a little unfair that later in life, the reward would be reduced by significantly higher tax rates than most others pay.)
If I had met my wife in my late 30s, or even in my late 20s, I’m not sure how I would feel. I would have already earned significant money, already built the resume. I would probably be a little worried in the back of my mind: she’s marrying me for the resume, she likes me for the money/status, etc. I feel much more satisfied today, knowing that not only did my wife love me when I was just a nerdy, introverted college guy, she also gave me support in various ways to actually go out and build the “resume.”
To use a VC metaphor: my wife was NOT doing a late-round pre-IPO “momentum” Series F. She was not trying to cash in on a clearly already-successful situation, expecting a near-immediate IPO (financial windfall). No, she was an ANGEL investor, funding me without expectation of liquidity for several years, and with no thought of ever trying to challenge the CEO, obtain liquidation preference, or ask for various pre-IPO financial manipulations. Yes, we get along very well and truly love each other. But it’s not like we were soul mates from Day 1.
Like Kameron implies above, sustainable good chemistry can take time, work, and patience – in our case, years – to develop. I also think the perfect resume does not necessarily make the perfect partner, and like bearkat says above his character needs to be closely judged before making a decision. MJ may have already gauged his character, as she has accepted his engagement, but I would advise her to try to make sure if possible (and I disagree w/Matt – having a JD and a high-paying job is NOT a great proxy for character. Probably there is a correlation factor above zero, but it’s far less than 1.0.)
PS, I would recommend the below book for both men and women:
Angel investor! I like it! And given most Angel investments end up being worth 0, she hit the jackpot!
I would say Angel investing in college is no big deal b/c nobody is rich in college, and nobody has done anything with their lives yet. College is much more focused on the “soul mate” end of the spectrum, full of passion, and intimacy.
If people can grow into their potential, then that is great. Look for people with potential. It’s hard for you to see the other side of the story b/c you found someone. Imagine being 10 years out of college and not finding anybody still. That is when you can really understand MJ’s dilemma imo.